Dear Friend

Thoughts on a friend who unknowingly helped me to jeopardise the friendship we share.

Dear friend,

We were friends for over six months. I decided to make friends with you because you treated me as an equal from day one. You listened to my story of my dysfunctional family, and the hate I once had for my poor father. You shared me your story of abuse and lack of love, plus the stories of heartbreak over the boys who gave you the love you deserved and then tore your heart away.

Our friendship was based on laughter, love, a sisterly bond, trust… But now I can feel it beginning to diminish into nothing because we didn’t see the signs that one was hurting the other, and vice versa. What’s more, I had to hear it from your sister rather than from you.

I’m glad you can confide in your sister, but if you have any problems with me, why can’t you just be upfront? Don’t give me garbage about how you’re afraid to hurt me, because you already have.

She said that you told her that you feel like I trample all over you… I had no idea that I was, and I didn’t mean to, either. Apparently I’m also trying to control you. I’m not. I’m two years your junior. That’s ridiculous.

When you seem down, I ask if you’re okay. All you give me is, “I’m fine.” You LIAR. I did something and you won’t even tell me what it is. I’m not a mind reader. I know you were mad about me sending too many text messages while I was at camp, but what could I do? I said sorry, and I meant it.

Your sister tells me that you don’t like having too much contact. We’re isolated from the city. I’m still new to the rural world. I am aware of the limitations of living in it. I even had to cut down on phone calls to keep you happy. A lot of contact seems to be intoxicating for you. I know you’ve been hurt so many times because of your mother and old boyfriends. I know you’re trying to build up a relationship with your father. At least your parents bother to talk to you. Mine decided that I don’t exist! But just because you got stung by bad liaisons, it doesn’t mean you have to keep everyone else at arm’s length! You’re the only friend I have down here. Everyone else is in the city, but it costs too much to talk to them, and they’re hardly ever on MSN. I’m not your mother. I’m not a guy. So why are you pushing me away? I’d never do that to you.

I remember you saying, “Just because I don’t ring you everyday doesn’t mean I don’t love you.” I don’t expect you to ring me everyday. But I am starting to doubt that we’re going to be friends much longer. Heck, I had to hear all this new information from your sister. Why didn’t you tell me how you felt? I’m feeling hurt right now. I’ve been hurt by people who pretended to be friends and then ditched me a year later. But I still try. I want us to remain close together, but you’re hindering it with your lies and deception. If I’m doing something wrong, tell me. Don’t leave it to someone else to say it for you.

I wish I knew better. Somehow I knew deep down that I shouldn’t have gotten so attached to you. I didn’t know what made me think this, however. I’m not okay. And neither are you, so stop LYING ABOUT IT!! I try so hard not to let the tears fall. It doesn’t matter how many times I apologise, something is always up. You never even give me a sign to let me know if I’m forgiven or not.

Sometimes I feel like screaming, “HEATHER, YOU’RE A BITCH!!” because of what boils beneath the surface when you’re not communicating anything to me. I need to know.

However, as harsh as it sounds, I don’t want to be friends with anyone who isn’t honest with me. If I’m so bad, I can’t hurt you if we don’t talk anymore.

Yours sincerely,

Emily Beinke