A/N- I was just having fun… Call me crazy… But I’m innocent; I’ve been wanting to make a random act story for so long now, so now I have my chance. I hope you all love this.

Random acts of Stonerism…

“The adventures of Keebler!”

“(whistling) Oh Keebler!” shouted the voice

(Lassie theme plays)

Over the mountain came galloping the fat twenty pound British Tavy/bobcat Keebler with his gut jiggling. He stopped on top of the hill before lifting up his hind leg to lick it. Young Billy ran to him before cradling the fat cat into his arms.

“I love you Keebler!” exclaimed Billy as he hugged the cat.

“It’s the adventures of Keebler on SBS! Today’s episode, Keebler saves Billy’s uncle from a fire.” Said the announcer. “Today’s episode has been brought to you by Soylent Green, its people! Peeeeeople!”

The cabin…

“Well how bout it Billy?” said Terry with his crackling old voice.

“It’s all good Uncle Terry. Me and Keebler were going fishing today!” Billy replied as he pet Keebler’s back. He quickly started to scratch Keebler’s tail, which caused Keebler to lift his head and start to lick his whiskers. “Do you love me Keebler?”

“Meow!” meowed Keebler in his ungodly quiet and weak voice.

“That Keebler,” Terry said as he cleaned his wrench and smiled, “he’s something else.”

After putting the wrench down he picked up his rifle and cleaned it off. Billy knew that his uncle was preparing for the soon to come Communist invasion of 50s American Suburbia.

“Well, we gotta go now. The fish are about to wake up.” Billy said as he picked up Keebler. “He’s a heavy one!”

“Well I’ll see you boys later.” Terry said before petting Keebler’s head. “Tell me Billy, does this grenade look like it could blow off those Comi skulls?”

“Sure!” Billy exclaimed.

Terry smiled as Billy walked out with Keebler in his arms. After they left, the old man quickly loaded his rifle before taking a swig of moonshine and firing at a cardboard cut out of Joseph Stalin. What a patriot!

At home…

Mr. and Mrs. Smith were enjoying their morning breakfast without Billy for the first time.

“Have you seen Billy around this morning?” Mr. Smith asked after sipping his coffee.

“He went to Uncle Terry’s house with Keebler. Apparently they are going fishing.” Mrs. Smith said as she put a few eggs on his plate.

“Boy, that Keebler. What a total fat ass. He’s gotta bunch of work cut out for him. I’m so glad I haven’t put him to sleep.”

“Oh, but Billy loves him. Uncle Terry thought Billy would love to keep Keebler.”

“That’s true. Whatever Uncle Terry thinks must be right. He’s good man! Grew up on the farm, has a dying hate for the Soviets, part of the KKK, ex-pedophile, and World War two veteran—God he’s an American hero to me!” Mr. Smith exclaimed proudly as he wiped a tear from his eye.

“Wow, it’s so quiet without Billy around.” Mrs. Smith said as she poked her eggs.

“Yeah… You wanna fuck?” Mr. Smith asked.

Mrs. Smith quickly swept all of the food off the table including Mr. Smith’s coffee before slamming her hands down, “take me daddy man!”

“AH! Hey, I was eating that! Damn it, I’m fuckin’ hungry.”

“I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinking.”

Mrs. Smith looked at the mess and saw all the coffee on his pants. He was rather angry at the moment.

“You still wanna do it?” Mrs. Smith asked.

“No.” Mr. Smith declared in anger.

“We’ll be back after these messages!” the announcer exclaimed.

Pointless commercials…

If car dealers can’t lie…

“Hello everybody, this is our live television ad in support of Mike Thompson Ford and Lincoln dealer! Come on down here!” the bald dealer exclaimed as he ran his hand across the old cars. “You know a bad deal when you see it! You all remember Mike Thompson, he’s got the bald head and the greasy look, and he’ll fuck you and your family over. Check out our offers. You know you’re getting fucked over when you buy a car here!”

The bald man walked by the cars and then introduced them. He popped open a hood on one of the cars before seeing a mutilated engine. “This one’s only got 200 miles left before it coughs and explodes; it’s on clearance at 20,000 with down payments of 420 dollars a month! 20,000 for this piece of shit! But it looks nice. You know you’re getting fucked over here.” He quickly walked to the next car and popped open the trunk to reveal a dead woman in the back. “Dead hookers come in as a free ornament for our deals. But this stuff is a buy! Buy now! We have special offers if you’ve got high income. If you’re in the lower class,” the dealer said before swiping his thumb to the side, “fuck off we don’t need you! So if you like getting fucked over come down to Mike Thompson Ford and Lincoln dealer!”

(Cuts off)

“And now we’re back to the adventures of Keebler,” the announcer exclaimed, “only on SBS!”

Billy and Keebler were down by the river catching a bunch of trout for dinner. After pulling in fish number ten, Billy wanted to piss himself in joy.

“Wow Keebler, today’s just been our day!” Billy exclaimed.

Keebler looked at him with his confused cat face, “Meow” he meowed with his weak voice. After that he took a fish and carried it off into the distance.

“Come back Keebler!” Billy exclaimed.

Terry’s house…

Uncle Terry was wasted, he couldn’t control it. After downing about four bottles of moonshine he continued to fire at the Joseph Stalin cut out before having flashbacks. He quickly fired at his work bench before laughing at the memories of killing Nazis in world war two. A bullet flew off and struck his propane tank. An explosion occurred and spread fire all over the cabin.

“Oh shit!” Terry exclaimed.

The fire quickly blocked out the door and covered up the fire extinguisher. As he tried to get through, the fire extinguisher caught fire and too imploded on it’s self.

“Oh shit!” Terry yelled again.

The fire only continued to spread again before setting his moonshine bottles on fire. The whole place was covered in flames, but he had no way out.

“Oh shit!” Terry screamed once more before hearing Keebler’s faint meow and looking towards the window.

It was Keebler! At the time he was most useful, that time had come now. Terry quickly tried to make a move.

“Keebler, help me! Go get help! The cabin is on fire! Run Keebler, get help! Hurry!” Terry shouted.

Keebler turned around before walking towards the center of the grass patch where he lay down to go take a nap. Terry wanted to shit a brick, so he quickly held his head before weeping.

“Man, I’m so fucked.” Terry muttered.

At home…

Mr. and Mrs. Smith had finished cleaning up the floor when Billy walked in with the trout.

“Mom, dad, I caught a bunch! Keebler helped too.” Billy said as he sat the trout in the sink.

“Wow, so I guess you and that cat aren’t worthless after all!” Mr. Smith laughed as he sipped his second cup of coffee.

Billy sat down and his mom put some eggs on his plate. He quickly picked up his fork and ate away while his dad still continued to sip his coffee.

“Wow, this conversation so went dead!” Mr. Smith exclaimed.

They all laughed before Keebler slid in through the cat door. The whole family looked at him before going silent.

“Meow!” meowed Keebler with his faint voice.

“What is it Keebler?” Mr. Smith asked.

“Meow!” meowed Keebler again.

“What?”

“Meow!”

“I’m not following you.”

“Meow!”

“Uncle Terry’s been drinking today?” Mr. Smith said in confirmation.

“Meow!”

“His house is on fire?”

“Meow!”

“Holy shit!”

The family quickly rushed to Terry’s aid just in time too! Within the hour the family had salvaged most of the house and saved Terry’s charred body from the fire. As the ambulance pulled out Terry’s burning body, he screamed in horror and agony. The Smith family all gathered around him in joy that he was still alive.

“Oh my god, Uncle Terry, you’re still alive!” Mr. Smith exclaimed before sipping his coffee.

“Kill me!!!” Terry hissed as the agony became overwhelming.

“Keebler saved you, he told us what happened!” Billy said quickly.

“Oh Uncle Terry, we’re so glad you’re alive!”

“Kill me!!!” Terry cried once more before screaming as Keebler jumped up onto his lap.

“Meow!” Keebler meowed before licking his paw and wiping it over his head.

The whole family paused before laughing. Billy held his stomach as he gasped for air. The paramedics all laughed as well before even Terry himself stopped to laugh.

“I love you Keebler!” Billy exclaimed before laughing again.

“Today’s episode of the Adventures of Keebler has been brought to you by Soylent Green and Joe’s abortion clinic—helping to bring out the kid in you!” the announcer exclaimed.

Comments…

Darket and Travis sat next to each other smoking a blunt and then laughing at the whole skit.

“Hi, I’m Darket, the creator of this story.” Darket said quickly.

“And I’m Travis, a lazy bastard who has absolutely nothing to do with this production, but I’m here anyway!” Travis exclaimed.

“Today’s skit is true. I decided to write about my cat who is in fact useless, but yet so helpful. I hope you found today’s skit meaningful, true to the point, and hopefully just made you think.”

“On other words, we just hope you didn’t think it sucked.”

“Yeah. Totally.”

Peace