Barbie: A Friend or a Highly Effective Weapon??

Script to an infomercial with two parts and “volunteer”

1: Barbie. She’s a joy to little girls everywhere. She’s popular, fashionable, and a companion girls can’t be without. With her petite pink outfits, her mini accessories, and her easily styled perfect blonde hair, she can bring a smile to a young girl’s face. She will never argue with you, she always knows what’s in style, and you’ll have endless fun! Barbie is the most perfect of all friends, right?

2: I’m sorry, but you are mistaken.

1: How so?

2: Contrary to what most little girls believe, Barbie isn’t just a doll to play with. These cute little dolls double as an extremely accurate weapon when combined with a sling-shot!

1: Wow! You don’t say!

2: That’s right. With her sharp stiletto shoes, pointed hands and toes, and simply her head, Battle Barbie can be transformed into one deadly painted piece of plastic. She can blind, puncture, and otherwise injure your worst enemies!

1: But how can you get Battle Barbie to change from such an innocent little lady into a flying death missile of doom?

2: It’s quite simple really. All you need is a Barbie, a knife, a sling-shot, and an enemy! Just follow these instructions:

Saw off Battle Barbie’s head. (Flip to before and after picture of full Battle Barbie and then Barbie with head in arms.)

Place her head in the sling-shot. (Flip to clip of person loading Battle Barbie’s head into sling-shot.)

Pull, aim, and release the sling-shot at your enemy. (Flip to clip of volunteer being pelted with the Barbie head and screaming out in terror and pain.)

Make sure to save the body so you can use it as a guided missile. To do this, repeat steps one to three, and make a point to aim the body feet-first at your enemy to ensure the stilettos and sharp pointed toes hit them right in the eyes. (Flip to clip of volunteer getting Battle Barbie body shot in eye…)

Volunteer: (sobbing) CURSE YOU BATTLE BARBIE!! (Runs away in horror)

1: Amazing! How can I add Battle Barbie to my deadly arsenal of other sharp plastic objects?

2: All you have to do is call 1-800-7BARBIE to receive three Battle Barbies. You heard it! Three Battle Barbies! That is at least six injuries for the ridiculously low price of just 24.99! (In a softer tone) Sling-shot is 10 dollars extra. (Loudly) And now if you call in the next 10 minutes, we’ll send you THREE MORE BATTLE BARBIES and a sling-shot ABSOLUTELY FREE! Hurt your enemies today! That’s 1-800-7BARBIE! Call now!

1: Endorsed by the Sling-shot Companies of America and the makers of Tellytubby Terrors, My Little Razor Blade, and Strawberry Stun-gun.

2: (rushed) Any injuries caused by Battle Barbie are out of the responsibility of the Sling-shot Companies of America and this infomercial. All responsibility for any injuries and/or deaths caused by Battle Barbie is completely the Barbie Company’s fault. Please riot outside their building with your picket signs, torches, and beating sticks…not ours. Thank you.