Once upon a time, way before we had MTV and computers, there lived a princess. She lived in a sweet castle with her folks, but no brothers or sisters (how lucky!).

When the princess turned sixteen, her parents invited suitors to ask for her hand. People then liked to marry early, probably because they didn’t have medicine or proper doctors so everybody died early.

Our princess, whose name was Betty Sue, by the way (sorry I forgot to say it earlier), received two suitors. One was Brad Justin Connor Michael Christopher O’ Manly. The Fifth.

BJCMC5 was very handsome, but not that rich. Comparatively, the other suitor was a loaded prince named F.B. Jiggy. The F.B. stood for ‘Full of Bling’. Unfortunately, F.B. himself was ugly as a rock.

Annoyed, Princess B.S. ordered that whichever man could fill his shortcomings first would be her husband. So began The Amazing Race. F.B. signed up for plastic surgery, while BJCMC5 started a doughnut business.

F.B. underwent extensive, and expensive, procedures before going through long, anxious months of healing. There was a big event when they finally took the mask off his face – all his family and friends were there. They took off the mask and … well, it wasn’t pretty. Somebody gasped and dropped their glass, a baby started crying, and F.B.’s brother instinctively threw a tablecloth on him.

As it turned out, F.B. had spent – no, wasted – his riches on the same clinic that did Michael Jackson’s face. F.B. sued and won back much more money than he had in the first place. It was a shame he had gotten progressively uglier, though.

And what about BJCMC5’s doughnut business? Well, his face helped him to sell his doughnuts, even though they tasted like soil and could bounce off trees. His business, called ‘BJCMC5’s Holes’, became a multi-million dollar force, and he forgot all about Betty Sue, and married a supermodel named Olga. They were happy until F.B. tracked BJCMC5 down, clubbered his head with one of his own doughnuts, and shaved off his face to superglue over his own.

Poor B.S. never knew the difference, and the two married and had hideous babies, a mystery she would never figure out.

Oh, and by the way, Olga was framed for the murder of some unidentified person. She lasted two hours in jail before saying a wrong word to a hooker and getting pushed – I mean, falling down a set of stairs.

OK, that’s about all, and they lived happily ever after. Or you know what I mean.