Author's Note: This is a spoof on all the badly written fantasy stories you come across online--don't take it too seriously because that's no the intent. I hope you like some crude humor, you've been warned.

Chapter One

(A.K.A. Chapter in which we meet our female hero, our thief, our knight, our bard and our wizard)

The room was still; thick with the words that Mary's mother had just spoken. To say it was an uncomfortable silence didn't quite cover it. After all, most people don't expect to be told that their siblings are evil.

"What do you mean that Sue is evil?" Mary screamed as the looked at her mother. "She's my twin and I'm good, she can't be evil!"

"Actually, sweetie, it's a proven fact that there is always an evil twin. I'm just letting you know that. Oh, and she's plotting to take over the world. You might want to stop her." Her mother said, collecting her coat and heading for the door. "I'm going to the market place. When I get back you had better be ready to go on a quest."

Mary rolled her eyes and sighed. She couldn't get used to this, first PMS and now this. Casting a glance at her pet wolf, she raised an eyebrow. The wolf looked at her with an uncannily human expression meaning 'good luck' written all over its face. "Don't look at me like that; you're coming too." The wolf growled slightly but stayed in its doggy bed.

Mary went to her closet and looked through it. She didn't want to have to wear the same clothes for weeks at a time. Pushing her gowns out of the way and looking at the peasant clothes in the back, she pulled out two dingy outfits and rolled them up. She filled a toiletries bag to the brim with everything she needed from the bathroom and set it on the bed only to have it fall open, littering tampons over the mattress. The wolf looked at her with impassive interest but made no move.

After she packed her pack with everything she thought she'd need, she snuck into the kitchen and stole some extra cookies. If she was doing this she needed chocolate. Calming down, she went back to her room, picked up her laden pack, ad promptly dropped it.

"Damn that's too heavy…I guess I don't need ALL this stuff." She sighed. After unpacking and re-packing the lighter pack, she shouldered it again and looked directly at her wolf. "Come on Phil, it's time to save the world."

The canine sprang up and bounded to her sniffing at her pack where she'd put the salt pork. Mary ignored his begging and left the house. If she was gonna do this, she was gonna do this right; she needed a party. There was only one place in town she'd be able to get one. That was The Leaky Mug.

Stepping into it was like walking through a field of dog shit. Everything reeked. Scrunching her nose, Mary walked over to the notice board and read the various scrolls tacked up there. Pulling down three she looked around the tavern. Everyone looked at her hopefully. These people must be hard up if they were looking to a teenaged girl for adventure.

"Um…I'm looking for 'The unknown Wizard', Fifi, and Gary." She said to the waiting crowd.

Three people stepped forward and Mary took a step back. The first was Fifi. The name seemed a lot less silly now. The woman stood as tall as a toddler and was covered in rich, chocolate brown fur. She scratched a pointed ear and her long, feline tail twitched on it's own. Around her neck was a red cat-collar with an ID tag reading 'Thief for hire'. She hopped on a stool and looked at Mary with interest.

"I'm Fifi, but you can call me Fiona. May I inquire as to why you need my, er, services this fine day." Her voice was a coarse hiss.

Mary winced. "Fine day? Have you looked out a window, lady? It's raining cats and dogs." Fiona gave her a pointed look. "I need to save the world from my evil twin sister who wants to do evil things. Mom's making me," Mary sighed.

The cat woman nodded as if appeased. Mary looked up to watch the next to approach her. It was an average looking guy with a sward hanging off of his belt. The grunt. Mary could only assume that this was Gary Stewart Sharpblade. She looked him over and shrugged, she had hoped he'd be someone intimidating, but instead he looked utterly normal.

"I'm Gary, what'cha need, pretty lass." He reached out to touch Mary, but she slapped his hand away. He was filthy and she'd just washed her outfit.

"I need a guard. Can you do that for me?"

Gary was too busy looking at his hand where she slapped it and trying no to cry. His face was screwed up in pain and he looked stupid standing over the two women. When he did speak his voice was choked, and upset. "What'd you hit me for? That HURT!"

"I barely touched you!" Mary said, rolling her eyes. "Are you seriously that much of a wimp?"

"You hit me!"

"Never mind, I'll get someone else. Thank you for your time."

Fiona giggled as Gary turned away, still staring at his hand. Mary felt a headache coming on and she was sad. Pinching her nose, she entertained the thought of someone inventing a pill that would take away her monthly agony. The word ‘Midol’ vaguely registered in her mind but she dismissed it as imagination.

She sighed and looked up as the third approached. He was a wizened old man with a goat walking beside him. His hair was dull brown and it looked like he only had one tooth. He hand to grip the goat's horns while he walked to keep from falling down.

"I am the great, magnificent wizard Mal're'za-ok, at your service, m'dear."

Fiona and Mary both stared at him, mouths agape. Finally, Fiona managed to hiss out "That's not really your name is it?"

"I am the great, magnificent Mal'ra'zak." The wizard stated again, proudly.

"That's not the name you just said," Mary whined, looking at the doddering magician.

"Alright," He said in a suddenly young voice. Straightening up he reveled that the old man bit was just an act. "I'm Presley, nice to meet you two."

Fiona and Mary looked at each other and snickered for a moment eyeing the wizard as he disposed of the guise he had been wearing. He was actually quite young with fair hair and freckles covering his face. The only thing that remained the same was the fact that he kept the goat, now on a leash.

"Er…Are you going to bring that thing with us?" Mary said, eyeing the animal

with distaste.

"He's my familiar, why wouldn't he come with us?" Presley sniffed, patting

the goat on the head.

"It's a goat."

"So?"

"It belongs on a farm."

"You've got a wolf."

"That's different."

"It belongs in the woods."

Phil, the wolf, looked up coldly at Presley and let out a low growl the fur on his hackles standing up. His eyes flashed with a very clear expression meaning 'Back off or I'll eat you.' Mary petted Phil absently and then looked to Presley. "He’s my boyfri—er—He belongs with me."

"I suppose you're right." The wizard said, raising his eyebrow.

Blushing, Mary returned to scouring the notices on the board. Plucking up another one she read it carefully sighed and looked around the room again. The selection of people here was, well, pitiful. She smiled to herself, entertaining the idea of buying a few slaves from the market. Phil nudged her leg and jarred her back to reality.

“Um…I’m looking for,” She squinted at the paper again. The lighting was really bad in the tavern, as always. “Jethro and Tamen.”

Two people popped from their chairs and came forward. The taller of the two bowed to Mary and smiled. He was missing a few of his teeth but he looked for a formidable guard. Straightening, he waited for Mary to speak. That or he was mute. Mary eyed a medium sized pouch that dangled from his neck over his dull, worn armor.

“I’m Tamen.” He said in a gritty voice.

“Nice to meet you, I am in the market for a guard. Are you willing to take the job?” Mary said, trying desperately to be formal with him.

“Aye, if you pay good.”

“I will pay at the end of our endeavor and cover expenses as we go.”

“If you feed me, I will join.” He smiled, “I am hungry, like the wolf.”

Mary jumped as Presley’s goat bleated loudly. Phil had been sniffing at his leg and bitten him firmly, trying to tear off a piece of meat. There was blood dripping on the floor and the tavern owner was glaring menacingly at Mary’s little group.

“Phil! Heel!” Mary said pulling the wolf back by the scruff of his neck. “I’ll feed you in a bit.”

“He bit my familiar!” Presley screamed. “That HURT!”

“He didn’t bite you.”

“It still hurts me.”

“Next time don’t have wolf-food as a familiar.”

“Um, I’m Jethro, miss. And before you take my friend to meet death’s kiss, I was wondering, would you need me. I’m a bard, as you can see.” The warrior’s friend said.

She looked at the man. He was rather good looking, with wavy blond hair down to his shoulders and bright blue eyes. He wore a bright red tunic over black leggings with curved leather shoes. “Yes, I’m sure we could do with some entertainment.”