Chapter Four

(A.K.A chapter in which Mary is accosted by NaNoChat patrons. Animal, Vegetable, and otherwise

Also A.K.A. The inside joke chapter)

Mary woke up the next morning screaming. She sat up in bed and screamed at the top of her lungs, the shrill sound of it waking everyone in the suite with her as well as the rest of the building and several neighboring buildings. The rest of the party stared at her with wide eyes as she panted for breath. She looked around at the luxurious surroundings of the suite and shivered before hugging Phil closer to her and burying her face in his neck.

“I say, Mary, are you okay?” Jethro said, tying on a complimentary pink dressing gown from the bathroom.

“Where am I?” Mary said, her face still buried in Phil’s fur. The words were muffled.

“The Golden Unicorn, the owner gave us this suite because she knows you.” Fiona said, rolling her eyes and stretching her back.

“We were trying to plan your sister and father’s demise when you passed out.” Presley said, rubbing his goat’s stomach.

“I’m hungry.” Tamen said as he sat on one of the fluffy ottomans.

“I…I have to go! Phil, you stay here.” Mary said suddenly.

She was still dressed in her clothes from the previous day so she simply jumped out of bed and dashed out the door leaving everyone in the room speechless. She ran down the stairs and out of the door into the open street. More than anything, Mary wanted to get back to her house and beg her mother not to send her on this quest. Life was getting just a little too hairy for her liking; and she had forgotten her razor so she couldn’t shave her legs.

She looked around and suddenly realized that she was lost. She’d never seen this street before in her life and she people walking around gawked at her awkwardly. She tossed back her pin-straight hair and trudged up to the nearest café; NaNoChat. She looked at the assortment of people on the porch and took a breath.

To no one in general she said, “Excuse me, could you tell me how to get back to The Golden Unicorn? I’m lost.”

A red fox wearing a black leather trench coat looked up at her and cocked it’s head to the side. “What a cliché…”

“What?” Mary said in confusion.

“Oh! Oh! I get it. You’re the Mary-Sue of the story.” The fox said, clapping her paws together with delight. She gave a strange giggle as a boy behind her pulled on a leash Mary hadn’t noticed was around her neck.

“Um, my name’s Mary, my sister is Sue.” Mary said, taking a step away from the strange animal.

“Uh-huh,” The fox sighed. “I know how this story ends, trust me you’re a Mary-sue.”

“I pray thee, pay no attention to my villainous consort.” The boy behind her said politely, giving the fox’s leash another tug. “Who are you, my fair lady?”

“Shut up, Kortney.” A voice said from the rafters of the covered porch. A large carrot with black wings swooped down and hovered in front of the squire. The vegetable was wearing a pair of tiny glasses, despite the fact that it had no eyes visible. “Do us a favor, Mary, please grow up.”

“I…uh… What?! I’ve got a quest to go on. I’m lost! Just tell me how to get back to The Golden Unicorn.” Mary said, starting to feel frustrated.

“Oh! How do you keep your hair so clean and straight on a quest?!” The carrot jabbed, laughing. "Until you know the pain of being a guy with a name that makes everyone think you're a girl," she continued, gesturing with a tiny batwing to the poor squire, "you have nothing to whine about."

“Now, now Carroty, Vixen, leave the poor kid alone. She looks frightened and I think that you lot aren’t helping her at all.” A small voice said from next to the Fox’s knee. A tiny man with a knobby head and gray skin sat there. He was dressed in black clothes that bulged out a bit and a pair of black-tinted glasses. There was a tiny logo on his shirt that said ‘gnome-x’ over a small flame. “I don’t think she’s a Mary-Sue at all.”

“You wouldn’t, Agent Pherring,” The carrot snapped.

“Hey guys! How do you hide a body?!” Someone shouted from the corner.

Mary turned to see a young woman surrounded by a stack of papers, notebooks, pens and a coffee mug the size of a bucket with a giant Starbucks emblem on it. Her hair was short and dyed green with bits and pieces sticking out every which way. She looked up at Mary and growled. Picking up a crumpled piece of paper she threw it at Mary along with a few pens. “You stupid… You’re a horrible muse. I’ve not reach my word count in five days. I’m gonna kill off all your characters!” She screamed.

“Calm down, Codi.” The tiny man, Pherring, said softly eyeing her with alarm.

“I…I…” Mary stared at the assortment of characters on the porch, unable to figure out what to say.

“And another thi-” Codi began, only to stop and watch as a small black kitten walked onto the porch. “Hmm, Chinese food would be nice.”

The kitten was carrying a small, square package in it’s mouth that said Trojan on it. She mewed softly and then ran across the porch only to cross over the lap of a strange girl with an odd contraption settled in her lap. The girl had glasses that looked much to big for her face and her dirty blonde hair was tied back in a ponytail. She choked on the coffee she’d been drinking from a normal sized Starbucks cup.

“How the hell did I get that UbercoolspellofDOOOM?” She shouted looking at the tiny cat. “Fable wasn’t supposed to have any cheat codes! What letters did you step on? ANSWER ME! I’ve got to tell everyone online!”

The kitten just mewed and sauntered over to Mary’s feet where she took at playful swipe at Mary’s creamy, white ankles. Mary giggled and stepped out of the way. Stooping down she picked up the spry, young cat and cuddled it in her arms. The animal tried to escape but Mary held it quite fast petting it and making a cooing noise in her throat. “Oh, you’re just so cute you little thing.”

A crash of metal on metal made Mary turn to look at the far end of the porch. A tiny woman with auburn hair and brilliant green eyes was holding up a shining silver sword the sizes of a toothpick. She was wearing a pink gown that had no back to allow her to move her vibrant butterfly wings freely. A tiny roar emanated through the air and a dragon that was just larger than the cat in Mary’s arms came around the corner.

The faerie princess beat it with her sword as she flew deftly over it’s head. She slashed at it again in injured its wing badly. The miniscule dragon fell to the planks of the porch and landed without any grace, the fairy few after it and took another swing. In one instant she beheaded the beast and won the battle without even dirtying her pretty dress.

“Not now! I’m working on that idiot’s story, not yours, Katie.” Codi said, pulling out a chunk of hair in her distress.”

The faerie princess squeaked at reply and reattached the dragon’s head and healed it’s wing before leading it inside the café on a leash so they could grab a bite to eat.

“Now that’s not something you see every day,” The carrot murmured as she flew in after the tiny hero and villain.

Just then a woman wearing shimmering armor rounded the corner from which the kitten came. She had a sword raised over her head and she looked angry. The kitten scratched Mary and jumped from her arms, only pausing to look back at the lady knight. She mewed past the thing in her mouth and took off.

“Oh no you don’t, Alaria! You’re not fixed yet, I don’t need kittens!” She screamed chasing the cat down the street.

Mary stumbled away from the porch and took off in the opposite direction. She didn’t know who these people were but she had to get out of there. The thought she knew the way she’d come to that crazy place and it was worth it to her to take a chance and run back that way. Anywhere was better than the NaNoChat Café.

Behind her, she could barely make out an argument between the fox and the gnome.

“She is a Mary-Sue!”

“She is not!”

“You’re just saying that because you date the writer.”

“Leave DLDzioba out of this.”

“You’re biased!”

“Am not!”