64 days.

192 meals.

128 cans of the foulest vitamin enriched milkshake.

70 visits from the gentle giant therapist to the Anavrin crew - Dr Bernadi.

And I was ready to go home.

My recovery was more than numbers and a healthy balanced diet though. It was tests and therapy sessions, it was tears and a personal trainer. Food felt heavy in the beginning, like I was swallowing my own depression. I had no energy, and my voice needed work.

It’s always dark in the beginning.

But as the weight returned to my body, as my vocal chords began to heal from the acid in my stomach that had damaged them, as my friends and family forgave me, the days got brighter.

Sixty four days after treatment began on my broken body and I stood unaided in the hospital waiting room with my closest friends, with my smiling son in my arms and a song in my heart.

Of course while I was healing behind the hospital’s white walls, the media frenzy was growing. No one had made an official statement, preferring to put if off till I was strong enough to make it myself. I agreed with their decision but the media did not and rumours were flying - that I had cancer, or HIV, that I had malaria or some other exotic disease.

It sickened me that an eating disorder never crossed the media’s collective mind. An industry which is sometimes based on heaping unnecessary praise on beauties while cruelly teasing those who did not conform to unrealistic expectations did not believe that the unhealthy pressure they pushed on people was damaging.

The hospital car park was jammed with journalists, photographers and camera crews according to my body guard - a kind bear of a man called Anan. I instantly felt dizzy. Although I had recently reached a healthy weight, I still looked like a shadow of my former strutting self. Vain it may seem, but allowing myself to be photographed as a monster was like admitting they had won. Yeah, they had won the battle but the war was still raging and I was determined to succeed.

“Michael, I can’t,” I gasped, reaching out for his hand. Michael had been deep in conversation with my doctor. Well, maybe conversation is not the word - he was being lectured.

“Make sure he eats at least three times a day - build up his portion sizes gradually. He has to keep drinking his vitamin shakes and in time his skin, nails and hair will be back to normal. He should keep exercising, his fitness levels will return in time.”

“He’s going to be sick,” I told them, feeling my knees weaken.

“Ssh, it’s ok,” Michael pulled me into his arms with ease and the fear subsided slightly. “What’s wrong, Adam?”

“They…there are journalists out there and I don’t want to be seen like this,” I explained, blushing. It seemed stupid when I said it out loud but Michael understood. “Ok,” Michael nodded. “Lottie, can you keep a good hold on Jay? Try to cover his face, I don’t want the flashes hurting his eyes. Sonny, would you mind carrying Gabrielle?”

Lottie gently removed Jay from my arms as Sonny swung Gabby up into the air. Michael removed his black SuckerLove zipper and helped me put it on. He pulled the large hood over my hair. It would definitely keep me well hidden.

“You’ve never looked more beautiful,” Michael smiled, sweeping me off my feet. I giggled and buried my face in his neck, my feet dangling in the air like a child’s. I felt safe and happy in his arms, and eternally grateful.

Anan cleared a path to the waiting car and I clung to Michael as he carried me through the madness. I gazed lovingly at him as he fastened my seat belt and wondered why I had ever wanted to leave him.

---

I was happy to be home with Michael, Gabby and my darling new son Janoah. I felt like I was rediscovering the previously taken for granted joys of my life one by one. Memories of how simply content my family made me became reality again and only one thing stood in the way of me getting my life back.

My confession came in the form of a four minute long song recorded by Sonny and I for the True Beauty eating disorder charity. We collaborated on a song Sonny had penned during his own bulimic ordeal, and I could tell he was glad to finally come clean.

The song was brutally honest, almost painful and the video to accompany it didn’t pull any punches. The video featured photographs of Sonny and I, taken by our doctors when we were at our worst and they were truly horrifying. Skin clung to bones with no dignity or grace, simple desperation to live was all that sustained the skeletons in the pictures. Other male sufferers submitted photos till the video became a pointed message to society - eating disorders are not sexist, they do not discriminate. They kill without prejudice and remorse.

Recording the song with Sonny had been difficult, but getting through it in one piece only added to my strength. I was starting to look and feel like my old self again, even my voice was returning.

So a tour was arranged. I love touring and being on the road just as much as the next musician but for some reason the mere thought of being on that stage, being stared at and judged…it terrified me and I did not quite understand why.

“It’s perfectly natural,” Sonny assured me. “Sometimes it’s hard to shut the insecurities out and be that cocky, charming performer.”

“How do you do it?” I asked.

“I look at Skylar, and my girls. I look out into the crowd and I see thousands of faces, thousands of pairs of eyes. And it’s like…I know those kids are there to see me. They don’t need to see passed the stage persona, but their love…their acceptance is unconditional. You may lose most of your fans, Adam, most of the people who ever understood but if you have one single person on your side…that one person means you’ll never be alone.”

I stared at him and he smiled at me. Sometimes you just have these moments when everything falls into place, and looking at Sonny, knowing what he meant, triggered one of those moments and suddenly I was Adam Eden again. My mental clutter was boxed and labelled, neat and tidy except for a few heavy items - I would need help lifting those.

Michael and I went to see Sonny’s exceptional band, Trainwrecks and Firewater, play that night in the place where I first discovered them, the Beckett Bar. I was so proud of Trainwrecks - they had been the first band I signed to my label, Eden Records, and they were incredible. Being part of that was one of the most positive things in my life.

I stood just off stage and watched curiously as Sonny took to the stage alone, and sat at the piano. Our previous conversation was running through my mind. After stage fright, we had gone on to discuss Sonny’s late brother, Peter. I told Sonny that it was difficult, but he had to let go. He had to move on, had to live his life with his brother in his heart, but not in his way.

My heart leapt into my throat when he started to sing.

“Seems like it was yesterday when I saw your face
You told me how proud you were but I walked away
If only I knew, what I know today
I would hold you in my arms
I would take the pain away
Thank you for all you’ve done
Forgive all your mistakes
There’s nothing I wouldn’t do
To hear your voice again
Sometimes I wanna call you
But I know you won’t be there

I’m sorry for blaming you
For everything I just couldn’t do
And I’ve hurt myself by hurting you.”

Tears were streaming down Sonny’s face, but his incredible voice didn’t falter. The audience watched in stunned silence and I could tell their hearts were breaking for Sonny, they were relating to his pain. Skylar tried to brush past me, to stop Sonny singing, to take him in his arms and comfort him till the tears dried but I stopped him quietly.

“No, this is something Sonny has to do,” I told him, before focusing on the words Sonny was singing with such clarity.

“Some days I feel broke inside but I won’t admit
Sometimes I just wanna hide cuz it’s you I miss
And it’s so hard to say goodbye when it comes to this
Would you tell me I was wrong?
Would you help me understand?
Are you looking down upon me?
Are you proud of who I am?
There’s nothing I wouldn’t do to have just one more chance
To look into your eyes and see you looking back

I’m sorry for blaming you
For everything I just couldn’t do
And I’ve hurt myself

If I had just one more day
I would tell you how much that I’ve missed you since you’ve been away
It’s dangerous, it’s so out of line to try and turn back time

I’m sorry for blaming you
For everything I just couldn’t do
And I’ve hurt myself by hurting you.”

---

Sonny’s display of strength was inspirational to say the least. He told me how much better he felt after saying goodbye to his brother properly, and how his life seemed without restrictions and boundaries. I wanted that, but I needed help getting there.

Michael’s fingers laced easily through mine as if our hands had been silently communicating. His skin was warm and I could feel his pulse hammering. He was so alive, a glowing beacon in the land of the dead.

Most of the graves were toppled and trashed, remnants of their former mournful beauty. The only sound in the graveyard was Michael’s steady breathing. I hated the quiet but it was oddly comforting, familiar.

My heart led me to his neglected grave even though my feet did not know the way. I had only visited his grave once, and that was on the day he was buried. I had been weak then, alone. I was not weak or alone anymore.

Strange to think that one life, a gorgeous human being, was resting beneath one small stone, four carved letters. Michael let me go as we stopped in front of the headstone and I took a step towards it. I placed a single white lily on the springy grass.

Silently, I pulled a fading photograph from my pocket. The photo had previously rested in my wallet, haunting pictures of my friends and beloved family. It was time for an exorcism.

I watched with tears in my eyes as the picture of two young men, so obviously in love, burned slowly. The ashes fell onto the grass and I just stood and watched, lost in memory. I knew I did not have to let my memories go but I had to focus my grief in order to let it go.

The sun shone weakly as the photograph crumbled into the past where it belonged. A glitter behind the head stone caught my eye.

Luka had white petals in his precious blonde hair, and tears streaking down his almost transparent cheeks. His smile was wide and genuine. There were no words - what could I have said? I suddenly wanted to apologise but he shook his head.

“I loved you,” Luka’s voice was barely a whisper in the gentle breeze.

“I know,” I murmured.

He nodded, blew me a kiss and walked off, shimmering as he always had.

---

I knew Round 2 would be more difficult. I had faced Luka’s death head on, I had attended his funeral. I had left home the night Joseph died and although I had returned to the town, I had never visited Joseph’s grave.

Unlike Luka’s, Joseph’s resting place was well tended. There were fresh flowers at the base of his elaborate head stone. Once again, Michael hung back as I watched my memories burn.

Joseph leaned against his headstone, a hint of his old smirk toying around the mouth that had given me my first kiss. I gazed at him, eye to eye.

And before I knew it, Joseph was gone, dissolving against the wind. No words, no declarations of adoration from my first lover. I let the tears come and overwhelm me, knowing that every sob was a long overdue goodbye.

---

The Best Deceptions’ Bright Lights and Shadows Tour was kicking off in Los Angeles as I had requested. I think opening night is really important, it sets the standard for the rest of the tour. I was glad my friends and family could be there because I was more scared than I had ever been in my life.

The morning of the show came and I was raring to go. Sonny and Fay woke me up just as the sun was rising. I was bundled into a car with a coffee and a bagel but oddly without an explanation.

“Where are we going?” I eventually asked.

“To the SuckerLove fashion show,” Fay revealed with a wicked grin. “It’s time you realise just how attractive you are. I hope you can still swagger.”

By noon I was dressed up and made up and feeling very positive. My hair was thick and shining, my skin giving off a healthy glow. For the first time in ages, I looked like I fit in my own body. Of course, I was strut my stuff shirtless in a pair of clinging black drainpipe jeans with “SuckerLove” stitched expertly up the leg.

“I missed you,” Sonny smiled, emerging from his own changing room in his new and updated lace pants. A loose black shirt hung off his shoulders and he looked amazing.

“I’ve been right here,” I reminded him, confused.

“No, I’ve missed this side of you. The gutsy, glam rock star. It’s good to have you back, Adam.”

“It’s good to be back.”

I took to the cat walk ten minutes later and received a standing ovation. I slipped into my old swagger like silk and my stage fright sputtered and died. I was finally ready to resume the fight.

---

The screaming was as familiar as it was exhilarating and I ran onto the stage with my arms in the air and tears prickling my eyes. It was time for the battle to begin and I was going to start as I meant to go on - with my loved ones. I grabbed the microphone and started to sing.

“Now I know
That I can't make you stay
But where's your heart?
But where's your heart?
But where's your...

And I know
There's nothing I could say
To change that part
To change that part
To change...

So many
Bright lights, they cast a shadow
But can I speak?
Well is it hard understanding
I'm incomplete
A life that's so demanding
I get so weak
A love that's so demanding
I can't speak

I am not afraid to keep on living
I am not afraid to walk this world alone
Honey if you stay, I'll be forgiven
Nothing you could say can stop me going home

Can you see
My eyes are shining bright
Cause I'm out here
On the other side
Of a jet black hotel mirror
And I'm so weak
Is it hard understanding
I'm incomplete
A love that's so demanding
I get weak

I am not afraid to keep on living
I am not afraid to walk this world alone
Honey if you stay, I'll be forgiven
Nothing you could say can stop me going home

I am not afraid to keep on living
I am not afraid to walk this world alone
Honey if you stay, I'll be forgiven
Nothing you could say can stop me going home

These bright lights have always blinded me
These bright lights have always blinded me
I say,”

I sang as if my life depended on it and I could feel the words being repeated back to me by an emotional crowd and with every word chanted, we understood each other a little more, we got a little closer, we felt a little bit better. Sonny, Skylar, Nikki, Lexie, Jilly, Fay, Dave, Jeff, Matt and Michael took to the stage with weapons in hand, be they microphones or instruments. I felt their love and support as surely as I felt the music and the screamed.

I was trembling with emotion and I had one thing I had to do before I could finish singing. I had to beg. I fell to my knees before Michael, my hands reaching up for him as I sang the words that meant so much to me, that said everything I need to say.

“I see you lying next to me
With words I thought I'd never speak
Awake and unafraid
Asleep or dead

Cuz I see you lying next to me
With words I thought I'd never speak
Awake and unafraid
Asleep or dead

'Cuz I see you lying next to me
With words I thought I'd never speak
Awake and unafraid
Asleep or dead

'Cuz I see you lying next to me
With words I thought I'd never speak
Awake and unafraid
Asleep or dead.”

“No, baby, you have to be on your feet for this,” Michael whispered, pulling me to my feet and turning me to face the audience. Everyone was in tears and the euphoria bought on by the release of so much emotion was enough to make me weak at the knees. Michael held me against his body, holding me up as he always had.

“I am not afraid to keep on living
I am not afraid to walk this world alone
Honey if you stay, I'll be forgiven
Nothing you could say can stop me going home
I am not afraid to keep on living
I am not afraid to walk this world alone
Honey if you stay, I'll be forgiven
Nothing you could say can stop me going home
I am not afraid to keep on living
I am not afraid to walk this world alone
Honey if you stay, I'll be forgiven
Nothing you can say can stop me going home.”

The world, the pain, the path ahead of me faded away as I was reborn in the scarred arms of my lover. The darkness ran for it’s life as the light in the eyes of everyone present burned with fierce and unquestionable strength.

“Adam’s back,” Michael murmured in my ear.

“You better believe it,” I smiled, resting my head on his shoulder. “And he’s here to stay.”

The End

(A/N: Thanks to everyone who has taken the time to read and review this story. It's been a tough story for me to write, and I wouldn't have managed it without all of your support. I will be taking a very short break from fictionpress, but I'm coming back on the 1st of January with...

"Skylar...how come my life is just all...angst? And glitter?" - Sonny Jackson

So keep an eye out for the third installment of the Sonny saga :) I look forward to seeing you all in the new year, and I hope you have a lovely Christmas and New Year. Keep safe!

Disclaimer: The lyrics used in this chapter are "Hurt" by Christina Aquilera and "Famous Last Words" by My Chemical Romance. I do not own these lyrics, or the songs and this story is in no way related to the above mentioned artists!)