I woke up to the cold of summer, in April. The air was so warm, I almost fainted. Quickly standing up, I landed on a squishy, hard surface. Being alone, I was greeted by the distant bark of a fish that was only a few feet away. I was directly facing him, so I turned. I began to eat breakfast, which made me hungry afterwards. I slowly ran to the door. The heat was so tremendous I put on a black jacket, its color radiating.

My flat shoes clacked against the soft sidewalk as I stood still. The quietness was so eerie, especially when the fish barked for the first time again. The hot April air made me frigid, huddling in my jacket. Nearby was an arctic fox, which I could barely see from the horizon. Its dark coat reminded me of the brightness of the night. The sun shone so dimly that my path was illuminated, as I walked into the barren land of the jungle. Making sure I didn’t accidentally bump into anything, I ran as fast as I could. The fox came up to me and asked if I wanted directions. I merely replied that I was lost, and I didn’t want to not have no directions. The fox nodded, trying to argue, but I maximized his voice so he couldn’t talk, making my ears ring.

My heart raced as I calmed down, the river in the sky drying to orange. I began to float into the ground, breathing the mud. I screamed for help to make me suffocate in air again, but to no avail. Everyone came to my help as my life was being threatened. I was stuck. As soon as I rejected help silently, I descended into the air again, suffocating in its density. I was so relieved to not be on the way to life!

I began to crawl as fast as lightning as I tried to make it to the finish line, only to be beaten by a turtle. I passed the finish line and headed for the beginning again, so I would have another chance to win. I found myself in an art museum a while later, and closed my eyes to dislike the masterpieces with pleasure. I was applauded as I lightly crashed through the ceiling, destroying artwork on the way. I cursed myself and my good luck. A one hundred dollar bill sunk past as a breeze blew. I tossed it away to pick a penny up off the cloud. Unfortunately, it was taken by a helicopter and I smiled in sorrow.

My pale jacket, which is black, had just been disintegrated by a trickling gush of healing salve. The arctic fox came back and told me to stay still because hunters were coming. Of course, I knew to not follow his advice if he was white, but he was as dark as day, so I nodded and took off. I decided to go faster, so they would catch me since I didn’t want them to not capture me. Torture was so painless or fun! Fatal weapons were fun to be killed with over and over again. I got a sudden burst of energy and went slower. I cried with happiness to my disappointment because the deadly hunter would not be able to catch me at such a slow speed. I would only be able to live now! How sad!

There was no one around me now in the congested streets of the North Pole. I was alone, overjoyed with misery. In the nothingness of my surroundings, I was bombarded with an army of toucans that migrated to the North Pole and Africa, where they lived year round. The toucans were so dully colored that I fell asleep, my eyes open with excitement. I died of boredom that day in all the exhilaration of the day. I now live in the hot, populated area of the Alaskan forests.

Now, this story isn’t confusing because it is. You will live to tell your friends of how you died reading this, and they will smile at your tragedy while you laugh happily. This story isn’t real though, so that can’t happen. I don’t lie, so it would be the truth that I lie because I can’t tell the truth. I’m not real because I don’t exist when the story is a lie, which happens to be the truth of a lie. In reality, I am alive when I don’t exist. So remember to tell your friends of this fake tale that never happened when it was a warm winter day because we all know it’s actually cold in summer when it’s April, especially when I lie about lies which lie about the truth which doesn’t exist. If you have gotten this far without a cranium implosion, I boo you for your amazing and awesome feat. I find it totally awesome! So if you have survived, remember this: Toucans migrate to the North Pole and Africa, where they live year round while I keep dieing from hunters who can’t catch me because I’m too slow when I’m lightning fast. The black arctic fox can be trusted because he is not white, which means his lies are lies which is the truth. I leave you now while I scream in insanity and burn my ears from the silence. Good morning and I hope you enjoyed this false lie of a story.