what am i supposed to think?

you would have slept with her

i know we're not exclusive

hell

im the one cheating here

i have a boyfriend

but im sleeping with you as well

but what am i supposed to think when its her you were kissing

her you were touching

her you wanted touching you

not me

you left me out

not entirely but enough

and yet you said you cared

you said we were friends

and good friends

and i believed you

i thought we were special

i thought we could have something

maybe not legitimate but special and intimate

loving

but as friends

thats how i feel

i love you

so much

how is this possible?

i barely know you

but when you talk about your ex it kills me

and when she told me part of me died inside

slowly

and it hurt me

maybe you were drunk

like you said

and maybe she cares just as much as i do.

that scares me

because no one knows about you and me

but i know about the two of you

and that means you are more legitimate

more open to progress

more able to achieve

but maybe the secret way is better

and maybe things will work after all

and then again, maybe i'm a dreamer

floating around in my little bubble

where i can be happy

but sometimes the bubble clouds over

and i can't see

and that's what has happened now

i dont know what you want

i'm getting mixed messages

but so is she

and the thing is

she's the one who's pissed off

i'm just following you around

pleading for attention

like a puppy

the kind that gets kicked in the ribs by a cruel master

but will lick his shoes anyway

because the puppy cares

the puppy knows what and who it needs

even if the master doesn't need it back

please don't be that way

please

oh god i hope you're not like that

i couldn't take it if you were

how could i misjudge someone so badly?

and why do i care so much?

why is this tearing me apart?

my head is pounding

tears are spilling down my cheeks

and even as i worry about you and want the best for you and hope you're happy

i know i'm at fault here too

probably more

definitely more

i shouldn't be doing this

but i'm only human

i

no

hurts

can't think straight

the letters on the keyboard are wiggling around

they don't want me to write this

but oh god oh god oh god i have to get it out!

it's ripping me up inside and out

they all know i care about you more than i should

but that doesn't matter

the part that matters is they want to stop what i insist isn't going to happen

they know i can't stop it

subconsciously

they know

and that's why they're so cold

so anti-us

so against she and i talking about you hanging out with you caring for you

it's not our fault

and i feel her pain

but why aren't i more mad at you?

by rights i should be furious

but i'm just sad

i feel betrayed

and the worst part is

i am the true betrayer

this is all my fault

all mine

and i

can't

keep

doing this

but i want you so much

i need you

you complete the hole that is inside me

festering

the hole that has eaten away at me for a year

long distance relationships suck.

you said it can stop any time

but if i wanted it to stop i shouldn't have started.

i can't stop loving you.

you don't know that.

it would scare you, i think

and that scares me

because i need you so damn much

and that's wrong as well

oh, fuck.