Mizerable

By Wuzi

I rolled over and mumbled to myself. How could I have done that? It was impossible to think. I didn’t want to remember anything about what had happened today, the yelling and screaming still haunting the back of my mind, but there was nothing else I could think about that would get rid of this plague.

I couldn’t stand knowing that he had failed that exam because of what I had done.

He was lying next to me. We hadn’t spoke, not a single word during the entire night. Whenever I felt him move a wave of guilt and nervousness trembled within me. He had fallen asleep hours ago, I was glad he had.

I had looked through his bag when he had arrived home and took a shower. Thirty-four out of hundred and twenty. He was so smart and he loved medicine. Of course it had been my fault that he had failed.

Finally I gave up, throwing the sheets off me and sitting over the edge of the bed, wondering to myself what on earth I could do. At last I stood up and walked out into the living room.

I stood again there for awhile, alone, listening to the silence of the apartment. I felt so cold and lonely but I put it to the back of mind, it all reminded me of the way he must be feeling. I took a look at the television screen and looked away, what would be on except porn at this time of night?

I bent down and turned on the Playstation 2, if I couldn’t think of anything else, I needed something to take my mind off things.

I have no idea how long I spent on it, I finished the latest game I had bought and still it wasn’t satisfying me. I could have almost screamed at the screen. After a few more attempts I gave up throwing the controller onto the floor. I could have broken down and cried. No one would have known, he was asleep. No matter how long I could spend trying over and over to beat that guy on the screen, still it wasn’t taking away my pain.

I pulled myself on my feet again, searching my mind. Anything, anything to do. Tobias had said going to bed would have been the best and I believed him? He had fallen asleep hours ago. And I was still awake and my mind was screaming for escape.

I suddenly realized I was in the kitchen my eyes drifting around the whiteness, our home. My thoughts were so strong now I didn’t realize where I was going. Was I hungry? Thirsty? My throat was dry but I ignored it. As I came to the counter, I stared out the window to the midnight sky, I could feel the pain well up suddenly, my chest tightening, I stopped suddenly and fell to my knees they were aching terribly.

I buried my face in my hands and cried finally. I thought I couldn’t shed anymore tears, but how wrong could I have been? It was painfully stabbing at me, my every thought and motion. I was trembling now, I could feel the bandages on my wrists become soaked again. Whether it was blood or tears I couldn’t tell.

I ripped at them, at my wrists, pulling the stitches from them. Feeling the pain stinging down my arms, through my hands, I was trying to rid myself of the feelings, the pain, the torture. I could feel the blood down my arms once again, like so many times before. I was shaking terribly, my eyes were so full of tears I couldn’t see properly anymore.

“Owen? Why aren’t you in bed?” Tobias’ voice came clearly as footsteps came into the kitchen.

I gasped and froze I couldn’t believe he had woken up. Blood was dripping from me, I couldn’t do anything but tremble. I didn’t turn to look at him, how could I face him?

“Owen!” He shouted, his voice trembling.

Suddenly Tobias’ hands grasped me, he helped me onto a stool and begun collecting his medical tools. If he hadn’t been a doctor I would have to have been taken to hospital again for trying to kill myself.

I didn’t look at him, I couldn’t bring myself to looking into his crystal blue eyes and see how much I loved him. He didn’t say a word to me but instead dabbed off the excess blood and began to re-sowed my wrists after making sure they were not completely ripped apart at the veins.

I had missed this time. After all the times I had done stupid things to harm myself, Tobias had always been there to repair them. I know he hated doing it, knowing that it was me who could have died if he wasn’t there at that moment.

He re-bandaged each of my wrists and placed a small clip around to keep the bandages on. Out of the corner of my eye I saw him stand up and walk over to the sink. Tobias was washing his hands of my blood. I still wouldn’t look at him, instead I stared at the floor.

“What’s the matter with you!” He shouted suddenly, I felt the sting of his palm against my face. I almost toppled off the chair. It had been the first time he had ever struck me before.

“Toby I-“

“Don’t lie to me Owen.” He whispered.

I looked up to him, it sent a wave of guilt through me seeing his eyes filled with tears. “I love you Toby…” I whispered back to him, I hadn’t meant to say it but it had just come out from the bottom of my heart.

His arms fell around me as he cried softly.

“I’m sorry…” I whispered again “I’m so sorry…”

All I could do was think about how worried I was about him. For two years he had been practicing doctoring but he had never left the university because it would mean leaving me behind.

I put a hand through his scruffy blonde hair, remembering how I had done it a hundred times before.

Tobias meant the world to me, yet I was still consumed in a world I thought hated me and slowly he was making me turn away from that, finding out he truly did love me for who I was.

Why had I tried to kill myself tonight? My family, and friends had found out I was gay. Was that it? No, that couldn’t have been it. I could hardly remember now.

“I love you too much to leave you Owen…why can’t you understand that?” Tobias said between sobs, clutching me tightly.

The job application open…they wanted Tobias to fill it. Across the country.

“I want you to be happy…” I whispered. “If you want it, I’ll come with you.”

There was such a long pause, there was something aching at my chest to get out at last.

“I wanted to make this night special and I screwed it up…” I said, speaking from my heart “I never meant to hurt you like I did. I-“

I felt Tobias’ warm hand on my cheek “You did nothing of the sort.”

I could hardly believe what I was hearing, not only had had I thrown out by accident his study notes but I had criticized an important essay he needed, I had gotten so angry I had ripped it up in front of him. He had spent most of his time with me, letting me know he was there and had almost no time to study for his exam.

“It wasn’t your fault.” He said “I should have devoted myself to the exam as well as you. But I choose you over it and that is not your fault at all. I forgive you for what you did to my notes but I want you to understand there are some things I need to complete and I can’t have-“

“I understand.” I whispered. “I didn’t mean to. I was just jealous.”

“We each have our faults to work out Owen.”

“I won’t do it again I promise. I have to make this better for the both of us.”

Tobias stood up and smiled at me, that smile could turn me into putty. He was so gorgeous standing there in front of me, only his boxers and singlet that he was using as pajamas. I felt my face flush suddenly as I realized I was getting harder just thinking about him.

He bent down, our lips almost touching. “I love you and I always will Owen.” He pressed his lips to mine. My face went redder but I didn’t care.

“I think it’s about time you got some sleep.” He whispered in my ear nibbling on the side of it. I loved it when he did that and he knew it.

I mumbled, I had no idea what to say but I just enjoyed the caress of his lips for a brief moment. He helped me up and slipped a hand around my waist leading me back to our bedroom. He lifted the covers and let me settle down before covering me with the warm sheets. He got in on the left and put his arms around me again. It felt so good to be in his arms, his sweet breath against the back of my neck.

“Toby…” I said breaking the silence

“Mm?” Tobias mumbled.

“Are you tired?”

“Not really anymore, why?” He asked.

I turned over so we were closer now, face-to-face, he looked so gorgeous in the moonlight of the open window. I smiled at him, placing a hand against his cheek. The bandage bringing back the thought of how we had made up, but only with words this time.

I could feel his arms tighten around me, bringing me closer to him. Our lips touched again. I couldn’t hold back the groan, tasting his soft lips once again. I almost could have lost their taste tonight. How could he live without me?

I had a habit of blushing when I was turned on. That I couldn’t deny. I could feel Toby’s gentle hand slip past my boxers and to my groin.

Why, how could I be miserable with Tobias?

How could I feel suicidal and know he would follow me anywhere?

How could I leave this world when feelings like this can escalate into pure ecstasy?

How could I leave Toby when I love him so much?

--THE END--

Another story I think is rather cute, but that could just be my own opinion. I’ll get a swelled head if I keep thinking anything suss I write is good, that’s not the way to think!

Anyway, Please R&R!