Too loud

music blares around me

can't turn it down

if i do then it lets in the thoughts

what if i'm wrong?

can't let myself think about it

can't be the one who caused this

war

driving a wedge between inseperable halves of a whole

there can only be one outcome where the whole is essential

the wedge will break

can't let that happen

i'm too close to the edge

too close already

have to stop

can't keep living like this

destroy myself

better for them, maybe

if i weren't this way

if i weren't me

no one knows

my throat is tight with the knowledge of the things i've caused

like when you have to cry

but i can't cry

not human enough

no emotion can describe this feeling

there isn't one

i'm not real

but neither are they

but in a different way

life is a lie

i'm walking a knife edge away from the truth

can't face it

can't let it take me

have to get away

have to be free

but the knife never ends

the edge gets more keen the further i walk

it could split the smallest thing

could cut a dust mote in half

as i edge along it it cuts my feet

my hands as i stumble

the blood stains the blade

but it doesn't matter

my blood is here anyway

this is my life

this is my soul

i walk the knife edge in the deepest recesses of my mind

but the pain

the feeling is real

my hands are scarred

my feet are shredded

torn by the blade i call upon to save me

i will destroy myself

do i mean this?

is this what i want?

am i doing this on purpose?

what if i am?...

i might be. what then?

i don't know.

the thought ends here

the music cuts off

the thoughts the knowledge the worries

the judgement

they pour in

i see them as they dance around me

they flash past and they threaten to push me from my precarious perch on the edge

and now the blade is paper-thin

the burning has become sharp and cold

an edge of ice

and still i creep further from the truth

but cannot move as fast for fear of the thoughts

they drag at my clothes

turbulent and fierce

to topple me

i am forced to a stop

and if i turn around it's right there

i know it's there

can't look

can't

but my head turns without my will

i cannot stop it

my mind feels like water

i have no power

i

can't

i see the truth

i knew it all along

but still i balance

for how long, though?