EMOTIONS by candle kitty

Sometimes, I hate myself so much. Why? Why would I think about you all the time? Someone like you, shouldn’t deserve my attention, my thoughts. But come to think of it, you seem to be the only one who has ever stayed oh-so-stubbornly- in my mind with no signs of wanting to leave. And I not only hate you for doing that, but I hate myself too. For letting you stay on, and not putting all my heart and soul into getting you out. Maybe it’s because I like it. Maybe it’s because I enjoy having you in there. Or maybe it’s because I enjoy trying to figure out what you mean when you talk, what you think about when you just sit there silently. I don’t know either.

I suppose I should have treasured the time I spent with you. Whether as normal friends, or as something one step closer than that. But I guess I’ll have to regret what I said to you. Emotions are such funny things aren’t they? One moment I’m wondering what the hell I was ever thinking by pushing you away just like that, because I was panicking at how close we were getting. I really didn’t want to spoil a nice and comfortable friendship you know. Yet the next moment, I’m getting all angry and frustrated, and centering all my fury on you – because when we were close, you never told me loads of things. But you told me I was the one you would be most likely to turn to. Hey, and guess what? The next thing I know, I’m right-clicking your name on my MSN contact list and selecting the ‘delete’ option.

Yes I hate you. I hate you that much! I can’t even bear to look at your nick in my list or your display picture. sBut I think I love you/s That’s right. I hate you. And I hate myself even more. For still thinking, sneaking glances at you all the time. For heaven’s sake, I’m only FOURTEEN. Why do I bother so much about all these kinda shit when I can’t even get a hold on my bloody academic studies? WHY? WHY? WHY? Just get away, get lost, run, sprint, crawl, whatever you do, just STOP invading my thoughts, invading my mind, my space, my privacy, my everything. But most of all, STOP. STOP making me confused. And making me mad.

Don’t give people the wrong ideas. Don’t hold their hands if you don’t mean it, don’t hug them if you don’t mean it, don’t touch them/smile at them if you don’t mean it. They will think you do. And poor them, when they realize that all that you’ve been doing is trying to be… closer friends. Yes, that’s right, friends with benefits huh? Hur hur. Now I’m beginning to wish I’d never pulled you from the edge and gotten so attached to you. Now I’m beginning to wish I’d let you be. Now I’m beginning to wish I hadn’t stuck my ‘neb’ into your business and right now I could be watching television instead of… THINKING ABOUT YOU. YOU SUCK.

EMOTIONS. Urgh, what I wouldn’t do to be rid of them! An emotionless girl. Yes, that’s what I aspire to be. If only I could though.

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A/N: I was… well, am thinking of someone. And that someone mattered a lot. But I pushed him/her away. And I really regret it. But now I learnt that he/she never meant anything else by being annoyingly (in a nice way) close. Crap, I’d better stop before I scream.