Once again I have dreamed. Those wistful, merry dreams where we're both alive, able, healthy young humans, able to live, smile, and breathe. Able to buy our own food. Able to live in a house, unattended, like two functioning members of society. But you got sick... and you died. And I'm well on my way after you. The pain of your death haunts me whilst I dream. Whilst I'm left to live. I visit your grave every goddamned fucking day, wishing I could've done something sooner. Wishing that I had been a better older brother to you. Praying that you don't hate me for being so helpless. For not being able to do anything to help you at all...

Maybe I could've saved you. Mom and dad's money is still here, or what didn't burn up in the fire. Even with your crippling illness, you managed to save my life twice... While I on the other hand am healthy, and strong... and I couldn't manage to even save yours once.

Death cannot atone for all the things I haven't been able to do. I can not repent for all the things I neglected to do, because I do not have a chance to make it up to you.

Your selfish last words were,

"It's all going to be all right, isn't it, Yashaku?"

You may be all right, where ever you are, but I am still on this earth, waiting for the day that I die and can see your happy face once again. I was hoping they'd hang me that day. For every time I see you in my dreams, the pain hits me over again.

Aoi, I want to die. For once, your big brother wants to throw away his life forever. He wants to go away. I want the life to be wrangled out of me forever. I don't care how brutal the murder, how mangled my broken body becomes, or how mutilated I become, just as long as my soul has lifted up out of that meaningless body.

Both of my wishes are selfish. I want to die, or I want you back.

Only one person might miss me. I don't know if she even cares or not...
I want you back, but all you would do is suffer with that illness...

Where do I go from here? Where? Goddamn it...

Aoi, I'm sorry I sucked so badly. I just wanted you to get better and for everything to be okay again. But here I am, with everything I need to end my life within reach. But I can't do it here...In our home would be best... then I could die where you died and I could rot all alone for being unable to save you.

What am I supposed to do? What's my purpose now?

I feel so completely useless.

The people who live here hate me- I stole from them and because of that, they won't hire me at all.

I'm shacked up with this girl, who I thought hated my guts... and I don't have anything to pay her back with.

My dead corpse would be bad payment, I suppose...

But seriously...

What am I supposed to do...?