Pairing: Fiona/Kyle

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The book was shit. All books were shit. Why the hell did people waste their time writing shit down when they could be doing much better things? It was pointless, useless, unnecessary.

But everyone was trying to find that damn prophecy, which meant Fiona had to trawl her way through it. She was just thankful she only knew how to speak English. Michael had got stuck with a pile of ancient languages a few million years old, since he was the only one who understand the modern versions of them. And poor Christina was finding it difficult too. She’d only really understood how to read a few months back.

But still! Fiona couldn’t think of something more boring than sitting still for hours on end just reading. Especially something as dry as this. Damn, the writer could have at least tried to make it interesting for the reader!

And worse, she was doing it alone. Sure she could sit in what’s been dubbed ‘the common room’ with the others. But if she had to sit in the place where Amelia and Michael were trading looks, or Jenna was curled up in Jaid’s lap, than she might just go insane. So instead she sulked in this set of rooms that seemed all to empty for just her.

Her eyes drifted to the large double bed, untouched for three weeks now. She preferred to lie in a sleeping bag on the floor than sleep there by herself. There was too much empty space, too much cold, too many memories…

With a growl Fiona turned back to her book and read a few more pages. Endless pages full of cryptic crap and ambiguous twaddle. Paragraphs full of analysis from a scholar who must have had a stick so far up his ass his throat had splinters. Sentence after sentence that blurred into each other so they made even less sense than before.

This was a waste of time! Fiona was not a researcher! She wasn’t even smart. Give her a gun, a mission, a physical problem and she could excel. Even practical problems like tactics she could deal with. But this? The pages might have well been blank.

Kacei thought it would distract her. Force her to concentrate on something that uses all her brain to understand so there’s no room to think of anything else. To think of him.

Christina was sympathetic, but she didn’t understand. Didn’t get why Fiona was moping about in agony, feeling herself go slowly insane and not knowing how to stop it. Didn’t understand why Fiona would rather gradually torture herself to death than just go see him.

“But Fee, it isn’t like he’s dead. If you’re hurting this much, he must be too. You have to be together. You’re a part of each other, and you’re suffering like you’d torn a limb off. Just go see him. Go fix this.”

Satinka knew why she stayed here. Fiona saw it in those cool eyes. She heard it in the words that were devoid of sympathy, but full of empathy. It wasn’t her pride, damnit! She was losing all pride and dignity by letting herself get so obviously depressed. And Fiona knew she was stubborn to the point of suicide, but she also knew when to relent.

It was fear. The one emotion she wished she could get a knife and slice out of her. A pervading fear that invaded every cell and lay there, whispering into her mind. Showing her images and scenarios. Making her think, then imagine, then believe.

If she went to him. If she went to fix it, or to just see him and talk to him. To just breath in his presence. How would he react? Because Fiona truly believed that if he laughed at her, or looked at her with hatred in his eyes, or, even worse – just looked through her…If he did that, then she might just die.

Her eyes felt heavy. With a furious yell she swiped the moisture away and turned back to the book. Crying never helped anyone, and this was important. What if this book held their answers, their long looked for prophecy, and she missed it because she was too busy bawling like a baby?

Fire burned away the lingering desolation in her mind. Anger at him, because as much as she wanted him here, she hadn’t changed her mind. Hadn’t forgiven him. Hadn’t decided he was right and she was wrong. Couldn’t.

And anger at herself, because it was all so fucking stupid. Even after everything that happened, everything they’d been through, they still competed. They weren’t rivals any more, didn’t hate each other no longer, but everything they did had to be a competition. And this was just one more in a long line. Neither could admit the other was right, because that would be a surrender. And neither had the ability to surrender to the other.

And they couldn’t apologise. There were things she desperately wanted to say sorry for; things she’d said and impressions he’d got. It was eating her alive, the guilt, the regret. But she couldn’t even say that simple word to him. Because it implied she was wrong. Because it implied surrender.

Her attention swung once more to the book. Then, dimly, she realised that she’d just read the same line four times. With a curse she hurled the book at the opposite wall, then winced as it smacked into it. That book was valuable – old and rare. Despite how mind numbing it was, it wasn’t something she should just throw around.

Still, she wanted to throw things around. She wanted to break, to smash, to scream until her throat blistered and ran with blood. To punch the wall until the bones in her hands were dust. To get a knife and just stab and stab so someone else could feel the damn fucking agony inside her.

“Should you have done that?”

Kacei’s contempt hadn’t penetrated her gloom. Christina’s concern hadn’t affected her. Satinka’s worried glances hadn’t even registered on her radar. But that voice stopped everything. That voice cut her right through her ribcage and into her heart.

She didn’t look at him. Didn’t want to break down in front of him.

“What do you want?” Her voice was cool, flat. Inside she was screaming at herself. This was her chance, her opportunity. He was here, standing a few feet away, and she could make him stay. She could say all the things she needed to. She could keep him with her. What the hell was wrong with her, saying something like that? Why was she such a total retard?

Even without looking she could see his whole body slouch with dejection. Saw the terror his casual words couldn’t hide combine with the hurt to make him collapse inside.

“I wanted…They said…You – I, erm…” Then he stopped. “Never mind.”

And he was turning. He was turning! Irrationally, it was fury that caused that gave her the strength to stand up and face him. To speak with emotion and honesty.

“That’s it? That’s it? You come all the way here, actually manage to ignore your fears, actually proved stronger than me, then you just give up so easily? After one sentence you just give in? What’s wrong with you?”

That did it. He swung round, fire in his eyes to match that in her veins. “What’s wrong with me? What’s wrong with you? Why was I the one that had to see you? Too scared, Fiona?” His voice was mocking.

“Of course I was! Because I’m not an idiot! Obviously you are too stupid to be scared!”

“Or maybe I was too scared to be stupid? Maybe the thought that I’d never see you again made me change the rules. Because I’d rather be here, yelling at you and getting pissed off at your insults, then anywhere else.”

She stopped breathing. Stared at him. “Kyle…”

“But obviously,” now his voice turned scornful. “This is just me being a fool. Because you obviously didn’t care at all. You obviously weren’t scared enough.” And the contempt tried to hide the pain, but it failed. She could see it, hear it, feel it. And she realised she could have picked up a dagger and sliced open every one of his arteries, and he wouldn’t bleed more than he had when she hadn’t gone to him. When she’d decided the competition meant more than him.

Her voice was soft. “You…you…”

“Me what? Come on, spit it out! You’ve never had problems with words before!”

“You bastard!”

He wasn’t expecting that. She watched him blink, then slowly open his mouth. Before he could speak, she cut him off. “You shitting bastard! You actually think I cared more about losing than I did about you? You actually think I didn’t go because I didn’t care?” She took too quick steps forward and punched him, hard in the arm. Stupid place to hit him, but she was too angry to care. “You bastard! Don’t you see? I cared too fucking much! I couldn’t go. I couldn’t go and be rejected. Never.”

He grabbed her wrists, and she tensed, readying herself in case this verbal fight became physical. But he just tugged her into him and wrapped concrete arms around her body.

“Never,” he mimicked, face in her hair. Fiona shuddered as she felt his breath on the back of her ear. “I would never reject you. It’s just not possible. I couldn’t turn myself into a rat; I couldn’t make a person appear before me; I couldn’t ever reject you.”

Then he kissed her, and she kissed him back. And all that fire, all that anger, leapt from her mouth to his and back again. Only this time, though it was still hot and frantic and uncontrollable, it was a little different. She wanted to do something else to his body than stab it repeatedly with a knife. So she did.

When the blaze had cooled slightly, and both had reassured the other that yes, they were there, they still loved them, they’d weren’t going to leave, Fiona took a deep breath.

That had been…intense. Of course, three weeks away from the one you were destined to love, need and desire left up a lot of pent up emotions. Her hand stroked slowly down his back, and he shifted slightly. She knew he wasn’t asleep. If anything he was more awake than before. He was just getting his breath back.

Lazily, she turned her head towards him, grimacing at the damp blonde hair that stuck to her face. “It isn’t over. I still don’t think you’re right, and we both can’t agree.”

She watched his head move. Then Kyle lifted it, and grinned at her. “What else is new? We’ll fight it out tomorrow.”

He moved over to her and she rolled her eyes, but didn’t stop him. Before his lips touched hers, she captured his eyes. “Don’t leave again.”

Completely serious, he answered, “I don’t think I’d survive another absence.”

Then he kissed her, and although they were going to fight tomorrow, and they wouldn’t be able to agree, and she still hadn’t forgiven him, and he was still hurt from before, and the rules hadn’t really changed…even with all that, it still felt worth it. It still felt right.