Hit and Run

-o-

Falling

Arrogance – it wasn’t something I’d felt much of in my short uneventful life, but after a restless night of tossing and turning, I realized I’d been afflicted by that very emotion.

It made me laugh to think that less than 24 hours ago I’d been bathing in self glory. I’d felt like I’d accomplished things, that I’d grown up from the sad girl who’d spent her whole life hiding in the shadows – hiding from everyone and everything. To think that I’d actually believed I’d turned over a new leaf because I’d made some friends – it was a joke – and a pretty pathetic one at that.

Last night had been the closest I’d come to getting something I’d wanted since I’d been a little girl – to meet my Dad. I’d had my chance to ask her about him, and I blew it. The arrogance had definitely been deflated after that. It had been a wakeup call, hearing her say I wasn’t mature enough for her to tell me anything about him. If my own mother didn’t have faith in me, how was I supposed to get anybody else to believe in me?

But I wasn’t bitter, not at all. Last night had been a real eye opener. Sure in the heat of the moment we’d said a lot of hurtful things to each other, some untrue, but others were the most honest words we’d said to each other in a long time. And I was determined to hold onto that moment. For the first time, I wasn’t interested in smoothing over Mom’s ruffled feathers. I wasn’t going to apologize.

Currently I was locked away in my bedroom, waiting for her to leave. It might be a Sunday but knowing my mother she’d find any excuse to get into the office, and do something important.

When I finally heard the front door shut, I sprung to my feet and made my way down the stairs. I was glad to find the house empty. As predicted, she’d gone to work.

I made myself a bowl of cereal, and sat down at the kitchen table to eat. Any other day, I would have plopped myself down in front of the TV to eat, but not today. I didn’t have the heart for it. Once breakfast was finished, I washed up, and put everything away.

Just as I was about to head back upstairs I noticed a scrap of paper on top of the counter, held down by a spoon. Curious to find out what it was, I picked up the folded piece of paper, carelessly flipped it open, and gripped the surface tightly as my heart froze. The five lines had been scribbled out hastily, but it was still legible. It was an address.

I fumbled my way over to the kitchen table and sat down on a chair. My hand tightly gripped the paper as my head began to spin – it didn’t take a genius to figure out what I held in my hands. It was my father’s address.

My breath hitched as a million and one questions raced through my head. I had to talk to my Mom. I quickly rushed into the next room and grabbed the phone off the cradle. It took a couple of attempts to remember her office number when my mind was so hazy, but I got there in the end.

“Come on, come on,” I muttered under my breath as I waited for Mom to answer, but all I got was a recorded message telling me she wasn’t available. After letting her know I’d gotten her note, I tossed the phone back into its cradle and ran up to my bedroom.

I didn’t stop to think, didn’t stop to weigh all my options, instead for the first time in my life, I just ran on instinct.

I grabbed my hidden stash of money out the drawer, pulled out a jacket from my wardrobe and scrambled out the front door as fast as I could. I couldn’t fight the toothy grin that found its way onto my face, it was uncontrollable. All I could think about was one thing – I was going to meet my father. I was finally going to meet him.

o0o

It was late afternoon by the time I got to my destination. The big problem was that I’d never taken a bus out of the city before. I couldn’t figure out which bus route I was supposed to take, but some old man had been kind enough to help me out. The next big hurdle had cropped up when I’d tried to buy a ticket. I was scared I wouldn’t have enough money for the fare but luckily I had just enough.

It wasn’t easy finding my way around an unknown city, but I managed. I couldn’t afford a cab since I’d spent all my money on the bus ticket but a kind couple gave me directions that got me to my destination. Luckily my father’s house wasn’t too far away.

I stared in awe at the plain white apartment door of Number 28. It was amazing how something so normal could mean so much. That white door represented my future – it was the barrier between me and my Dad and soon it would be gone. I sucked in some air as my nerves started to kick in, gripping Mom’s note like it was a lifeline. This was good – I just needed to stay focused.

I rang the doorbell for the third time and started to worry no-one was home when I heard footsteps on the other side. I quickly brought my hands up to my head, trying to tame my hair. I’d flown out of my house after finding the note, completely forgetting to get changed. I took a quick look at my clothes and regretted not changing my jeans, but it was too late now.

“Sorry but I’m not buying nothing – try next door.”

I nearly jumped when I was met by a redheaded woman.

“I’m not selling anything,” I replied and stuffed the note into my pocket. I then looked the woman over.

She was a couple of inches taller than me but only because she was wearing three inch heels. Her red hair was so bright and unnatural that I knew it came straight out of a bottle, and wore a low cut tiger print top that showed off her cleavage. I doubted this woman was my Father’s sister or a friend, but I hoped.

It might be stupid but I’d never stopped holding onto my childhood dream that one day my parents would reunite and we’d be a family – looking at this woman I knew that was never going to happen.

“Is Matthew in?” I asked confidently, ignoring all the butterflies in my stomach. I smiled at the woman and looked at her expectantly.

“Who’s asking?” The redhead asked and took a drag of her cigarette. I stared at the white stick in amazement, I hadn’t seen it before – it was like she’d pulled it out of thin air.

“Errr – I’m Ria.” My heart started to do a pitter patter as the impending countdown started.

The old picture I had of my Dad from his college days floated through my mind, how much would he have changed? Had his hair turned grey? Was he as tall as he looked in his photo? Did he have a favorite food? All these questions and more kept running through my mind. I forced myself to relax as the butterflies in my stomach intensified. I rubbed my hands down my jeans and took another deep breath. I’d get my answers soon.

“Sorry darling but that name doesn’t ring a bell.”

I tried not to flinch at her reply. I told myself there was no point feeling hurt when I had no clue about her relationship with my father. The man hadn’t seen me since I was a baby. I doubt he’d go around telling everyone about the daughter he’d left behind. No, I wouldn’t think about the past, this was about the future. A future I was going to grab with two hands.

There was an uncomfortable silence before I broke it, “I’m his daughter.”

Her eyes grew wide and her mouth formed a silent ‘o’. Her surprise confirmed my answer. She hadn’t known about me. Once she got over the shock she pushed the door wide open and stood aside to let me pass.

“Come in.”

The butterflies in my stomach went into a frenzy as she led me through the flat. The flat was small but had a homely, lived in quality about it. I tried not to gawk as we passed the rooms, but I couldn’t help staring at the photos that hung on one of the walls. My father’s face shone back at me. The picture that captured my attention was the one with his band; he looked sweaty and tired but had the biggest grin on his face. I couldn’t help but smile back.

“Matt’s’s at work right now but he’ll be back soon,” the woman told me once we’d both sat down at the small kitchen table. I nodded my head and wrung my hands. I felt like I should say something but I wasn’t good at making small talk.

“Are you at sch – ”

“Yes,” I blurted quickly and laughed nervously. I was so grateful for the conversation starter that I’d jumped in before she’d even got all her words out. “I’m in my last year and then I’m off to college...” I bounced my legs up and down under the table as I run out of things to say.

“That’s great,” she bopped her head enthusiastically. I was momentarily distracted by the way her hair was stuck in place, never moving, it was eerie.

“Errr yes, yes it is,” I mumbled and gave myself a mental shake. I wasn’t going to judge people or do the stereotype thing again, I learnt my lesson after Haley and Ethan.

I smiled at her again, this one natural, and was pleased to see her relax. Her stiff shoulders dropped and there was a grin on her face.

“Are you and Da-Matthew dating?” I stumbled over my words. My cheeks burned from almost getting caught calling a stranger ‘Dad’. It didn’t feel right calling him by that title, not to someone who knew him as well as she seemed to.

“Matt and me have been together for five years now,” she said proudly, eyes shining brightly. I was relieved that she’d answered my question, I knew if Mom was here she’d have my hide for asking such a personal question. I guess having no social graces came in handy at times, at least this way I got straight to the heart of the matter.

“You want a drink?” Oh – I forgot to tell you my name, I’m Belinda,” she replied huskily. Before she could say anything else, I held my hand out and watched her frown. I felt stupid by my actions but was grateful that she reached out and shook my hand, sparing me further embarrassment.

“Would you like a drink?” Belinda asked and I quickly took her up on her offer.

The afternoon passed fairly quickly and I discovered that Belinda had a sweet nature. She was a very chatty and friendly woman, and reminded me of Haley. After she’d offered me a drink and some biscuits we moved to the living room.

I doubt I impressed her with my wit and intelligence, not when I stumbled my way through with stupid comments, but I managed to hold a conversation. Throughout it all I was eager to ask about my father but knew that it wouldn’t be smart to bombard her with so many questions. I could wait.

When the telephone rang, Belinda jumped to her feet and went to get the phone. I expected her to get rid of the caller quickly but she didn’t. The minutes ticked by and still the conversation on the phone dragged on. Just as I began to feel uncomfortable at being alone in a stranger’s home I heard the front door open.

I held my breath as the door was slammed shut followed by heavy footsteps. I strained to hear everything, until the sound of footsteps stopped. When I looked up it was to see the newcomer standing in the same room as me. I felt my heart stop. It was the man in the photos.

He didn’t see me sitting in the far corner of the room, trying to absorb every square inch of his face. I watched greedily as he pulled off his boots and collapsed on one of the large sofas.

“Get me a drink, babe.” His voice was deep, sharp, and clear.

I sat there with a big goofy smile on my face. For the first time in seventeen years I was listening to the timber of his voice, and it was beautiful. It was nothing like any of my dreams where the sound of his voice was flat. This was real, 3-D, and in the flesh.

He was tall, slim and broad shouldered. His thick brown hair didn’t have a single strand of gray in it and the lines on his face told me that age had taken its toll on him. He wore dark jeans teamed with a leather jacket. He looked amazing.

“Who are you?” The question ripped me out of my thoughts and my eyes grew wide at being spotted. It was time to take the bull by its horns. Instead of answering, I got to my feet and walked forward until I stood just a few meters away. If I’d hoped that he might recognize who I was from just taking one look at me, I was wrong. I lost some of my confidence but then berated myself for my idiocy. The last time he’d seen me was when I was just a few months old, how could I expect him to know who I was?

“I’m…” I gulped to get rid of the lump in my throat. “I’m Ria.”

There was no flicker of recognition. I held my breath and waited for the light in his eyes, that moment of clarity, but there was nothing. I closed my eyes as silence fell across the room. In that moment I hated the nickname, hated it for being unoriginal, hated it for its plainness. But even with my eyes shut I couldn’t get that image of the blank look on his face when I told him my name. He didn’t know who I was.

My heart started to race wildly, I wrung my hands nervously, willing my brain to think of something to say, but I came up with nothing. I was saved by Belinda as she stepped into the room with a can of beer in her hand. Before I could even relax, she handed the drink to my father and left.

The silence was deafening, second after second ticked by with no end in sight. I almost jumped when I heard the hiss of a can being opened. He took a swig of his beer before his attention was back on me

“That name don’t mean nothing to me,” he drawled lazily.

“I’m Rihanna Kendell,” I repeated my name again, this time speaking more firmly.

At the mention of my surname, his jaw clenched. It wasn’t the reaction I’d been looking for. His eyes grew wide and then he threw his head back and laughed. I flinched and stood there frozen to the spot – that definitely wasn’t what I’d been looking for.

“What are you doing here girly?”

“I-I-I…”

“Spit it out, I ain’t got all day,” he demanded firmly.

I bit my lip to stop it from trembling and stared at the carpet, trying to compose myself, before finally looking up. “I just wanted to meet you.”

“You wanted to meet me?” He sounded amused, unsettling me. I nodded in answer, not trusting my voice.

He tilted his head thoughtfully and watched me before speaking. “How old are you, fifteen?”

“Seventeen” I corrected and dug my nails into my palms. I berated myself for acting like a little girl, I should be more confident, I should assert myself. Feeling a steely resolve to present myself well, I opened my mouth to speak but he beat me to the punch.

“So you’ll be off to college next year. Is that why you’re here, for money?” His voice hardened ruthlessly.

“No!” I protested, shaking my head wildly before the idea could even start to grow in his head. “That’s not why.”

He didn’t seem convinced and that grim look on his face remained. “I pay your mother maintenance – so she ain’t got reason to complain.”

He went to take another swig of his drink and scowled when it seemed the can was empty. With his drink finished I found myself the sole object of his scrutiny. I tried not to fidget under his stare but I couldn’t stop my gaze skittering away every so often. It was hard to meet that hard stare.

“You don’t look like my kid,” he admitted after he’d inspected me from head to toe. I bit my lip but didn’t deny or confirm his statement. I’d always prided myself in taking after him physically rather than Mom. I guess in my drab clothes I didn’t much resemble the rocker look he had going.

“Seventeen huh? That means you’re old enough to know how things work.” He stretched his legs out in front of him and crossed his feet at the ankles. “Look kid, I ain’t looking to be a daddy.”

I blinked at the sudden declaration but didn’t say anything.

“That’s why you came isn’t it? To patch things up between us?” As the words tumbled out of his mouth I grew more and more tense.

“I thought we could get to know each other…do some stuff.” I shrugged my shoulders and shuffled on the spot.

“What, go to the zoo?” I flinched at the careless. “Aren’t you a little old for that?” When I didn’t say anything he sighed loudly and dragged a hand roughly through his hair.

“I don’t know anything about kids and I don’t wanna know. Besides you’re all grown up now, what do you really need me for? Maybe I can help with the college tuition but anything more than that I can’t do. You understand?”

I didn’t understand.

My head hurt and I felt nauseous but I forced myself to meet his gaze and nodded. “I understand.” I heard the sound of footsteps and turned round to see Belinda standing in the doorway. “I – I have to get home…Bye.”

Without another word I spun on the balls of my feet and headed out the room. I didn’t stop to hear if he had anything else to say. What was the point?

“You need a lift home?” Belinda called out from behind me but I shook my head. I wanted to just run out of that apartment but I forced myself to stay put and wait for Belinda to show me out.

“It was nice meeting you maybe we can see you soon?” Belinda said gently but again I shook my head. I just wanted to leave all this behind.

“Nice meeting you Belinda,” I said in a thick, strangled voice and walked away.

o0o

The journey home didn’t register in my mind but somehow I made my way to the bus depot and got myself onto a coach. I never even noticed the black sky even as I stared out the window.

I felt numb, I couldn’t process anything, couldn’t understand what had happened. When the coach ground to a halt, I realized I was home and stumbled out of my seat. I edged out of the coach, getting pushed and pulled as people tried to get off, but I barely felt it.

I walked down the sidewalk almost falling to my feet as some boy brushed past. Goosebumps popped up all over my flesh, I finally took a look at my surroundings and noticed the black sky. When had it gotten dark?

I sped up my pace, wishing for my bed. I just wanted to tumble under my covers and hide.

“Ria…”

I kept my head down as I raced along the sidewalk, desperate to get home. I couldn’t believe how easy it had been to have all my hopes squashed. I’d been on such a high earlier, excited to finally meet my father, a man I only recognized from photographs.

“Ria..!”

It wasn’t fair – no – no it was fair. I’d rushed out to meet him too soon after finding out his address. I hadn’t prepared myself, hadn’t practiced what I was going to say to him. Maybe if I’d had the right words, if I’d got it right, he wouldn’t have – I shouldn’t have rushed it. I should have taken my time. I know I should have taken my time.

“Hey, where’s your head at. I’ve been calling you for the last few minutes.” I felt a hand on my wrist, and looked up into the green eyes of Ethan.

“Ria?” His voice was full of hesitation as he stared back at me. I couldn’t deal with this right now. Before he could say anything else I shoved past him, quickening my footsteps.

“Where are you going?” I grew panicked as Ethan stood in front of me again – why couldn’t he just leave me alone?

“Home,” I whispered. I waited for him to move out of my way, but he remained where he stood, blocking my escape. “Please move.”

“What’s going on with you?” Ethan asked suspiciously. His hand reached out towards me – I flinched – immediately his arm dropped to his side as he scanned my face.

“What’s wrong, Ria?” The gentle tone was enough to almost to make me come undone at the seams – almost.

I pivoted around, heading back in the direction I’d come from. I couldn’t do this. I’d barely put a distance between Ethan and me when his hand snaked out and wrapped itself around my wrist, pulling me back. I tried to yank my arm out of his grasp, but he wouldn’t let go, forcing me to stay put. I turned my head away from him so he couldn’t see my face. I was too close to the edge.

I made another attempt to get free, but Ethan continued to hold on to me and in that instant I felt my walls come tumbling down. I fell forward, into him, catching Ethan by surprise, but his arms were instantly around me. I sunk my fingers into his shoulders, digging my nails into his skin. If I hurt him he never said. At some point Ethan managed to maneuver the two of us until we were sat down on one of the empty benches.

“He – he didn’t want me,” I cried into his chest, sobbing loudly as the tears fell thick and fast. “He didn’t...”

I gasped as the words got caught in my throat; they kept playing over and over again in my head, digging a bigger chunk out of my heart each time. “Didn’t want me…” I clutched tightly onto his shirt, burying my head into the crook of his neck. It wasn’t supposed to hurt this bad.

“What Ria, what’s happened?” Ethan’s voice was urgent as he repeated the same question again but I was deaf to it all as I continued to sob. “Ria – Ria.” When I still wouldn’t answer him, he roughly cupped my cheeks and jerked my head up until our gazes collided. “Tell me.”

Everything was blurry, I could barely make out anything through the tears, but the sense of urgency pushed through the haze.

“Saw- Dad.” The words came out strangled, incomplete, but they were all I had to give as my shoulders shook. I slumped back against his chest and buried my nose into his t-shirt. “Did-wan-.” My voice gave out so I gave up trying to talk.

“Bastard,” Ethan spat out, somehow piecing together the puzzle from the little clues I’d given him. “That-fucking-bastard.” A tremor passed through him, I felt it as I clutched at him, making the ache even worse. I whimpered and burrowed down deeper, trying to get even closer, trying to forget.

“It’s okay, I’m here.” His hands rubbed up and down my back in a soothing motion, comforting me, but it didn’t stop the flood of tears, it just made them fall faster.

I don’t know how much time passed, how long I stayed there in Ethan’s arms crying my eyes out, but he never showed any signs that he was tired. Even knowing we were outside with the whole world watching he just continued to sit there on the bench with me, holding me as I cried. His hands were never still for long, either they were rubbing my back, rubbing my head or simply just wrapped around me – they kept me grounded when my world was crumbling.

After what felt like eternity the crying started to cease, not because I’d stopped hurting but I’d ran out of tears to shed. My head felt stuffy and my heart heavy. My left hand let go of Ethan and settled against my chest, right where the ache was.

It wasn’t supposed to be like this – wasn’t supposed to hurt like this.

“Don’t do this, Ria,” Ethan cajoled as his hands tightened around my head. “He’s not worth crying over – no more tears.”

I shook my head, barely hearing what he was saying. A fresh wave of heartache gripped me. I tried to clamp down on the feeling but it emerged as a low keening noise. Ethan’s eyes grew wide at the sound, a look of horror briefly flashing across his face.

“No more,” Ethan told me fiercely as he tugged my head forwards and placed his lips over mine, swallowing my cries.

My mind went blank. I couldn’t think, couldn’t see, couldn’t feel anything but the strength of those lips softly moving against mine while gentle fingers stroked at my neck. He kept our mouths fused, surrounding me with nothing but heat until the pain in my chest gave way to a dull ache.

Ethan pulled us both to our feet. The kiss ending as suddenly as it had started.

“No more tears.” He cupped my cheeks and carefully wiped the tears away with the pads of his fingers. “Come on, I’ll walk you back.”

He didn’t give me a chance to disagree, even if I’d been able to. I nodded mutely and walked beside him as he led the way home. I wrapped my arms around myself as a chill settled over me. I felt weary. I wanted nothing more than to hole away somewhere and lick my wounds.

“…I’ll see you at school tomorrow.”

I looked up and was dazed to discover that we’d arrived at my house. It felt like we’d only been walking for a few minutes.

“You’re going to be okay, Ria.” His voice was fierce as he stared down at me. It was as if he thought he could force me to do as he said by ordering me.

For a moment I felt a brief flicker of irritation push through the numbness but it disappeared when I really looked at him. His forehead was knotted, his eyes dim – he was worried about me.

“I’m going to be okay,” I agreed but couldn’t inject the right tone. He didn’t believe me but then again I didn’t believe me. I could feel the walls closing in on me again and quickly turned towards my house.

“I’ll see you at school,” I called over my shoulder and ran down the footpath.

My fingers were shaking when I slotted the key into the door. Aware that Ethan was probably still there watching, I forced myself to concentrate on opening the door. I could have cried when it I heard the click of the lock.

When I stepped into the house I noticed it was as empty as when I left it. Slowly, I headed for the kitchen. It had all come back full circle; I was back where it had all started. Except this time I knew I’d truly lost – there’d be no fairytale ending here.

I filled a glass with water and calmly sat at the table drinking it. My thoughts kept skirting towards Matthew but I pulled myself away before I could even think about it. It was over with – finished. I’d put it behind me. Ethan was the only one who knew about today and it would stay that way. I was never going to mention this to anyone.

My head started to pound so I dragged myself to my feet, sleep would fix this. I just needed to sleep.

I crawled up the stairs; I didn’t have any energy to move at more than at a snail’s pace and stumbled into my bedroom. I shut the door quietly behind me and headed for my bed only to freeze.

“How did it go?” Mom whispered. She sat perched on the end of my bed, her hands clutching at her skirt, waiting for my answer. Caught unaware, I couldn’t stop the whimper tumbling out of my mouth. That small noise was enough to have her leaping off the bed and flying towards me. Her arms wrapped around me before I could say another word.

For the second time today I found myself held tightly in someone’s arms and again I surrendered to my grief.

“He didn’t want me,” I cried into her shoulder, “He doesn’t care.”

“Oh baby,” she choked out, her words thick with her own tears. “I’m sorry – I’m so sorry.”

I shut my eyes tightly as I held onto her. “You were right –I shoul-should-”

“Never!” She shook her head and kissed me on the temple. “Never about this – I would do anything to have spared you this.”

As my world tilted and folded in itself, Mom held me and cried with me until we were both worn out. When I went to lie down on the bed she lay down beside me, stroking my hair until I started to feel drowsy. Even when I fell asleep I could feel her near, watching over me as I slept. She held my hand and never let go.

A/N:

We have an update! Only took me a million years lol.

I’ve had so many problems with this story. The biggest obstacle has been that I lost my note book. This book set out the plot and had a chapter by chapter breakdown of what’s going to happen and poof – one day it disappeared. I still haven’t found it and because of this, I’m going to have to cut down the chapters, take out things I was going to have to get this story done. I started this story four years ago and I just can’t remember those small but important details that I wanted to add.

If any of you are following Erase & Rewind, I’d just like to let you know that it will be updated sometime next week. For those of you who haven’t read it please check it out. It’s rated M for language and is a Romance/Drama/Mystery.

Thanks to all you beautiful people who have taken the time to leave me reviews – this is for you – I hope it goes some way to make up for the lack of updates.

Lastly, I’m taking part in this year’s NaNoWriMo comp for the first time, I’m very excited. My username is cocoa_nut – feel free to add me and I’ll do the same ;D

Leila