this could change

let's try to think back and see if this
had never happened: if i had never brought
the razor to my skin and dragged the first
scars into my skin. what if this had never
carried with me? then surely i wouldn't have
spent an hour in the bathroom, hiding a knife,
hoping it would cut deeper (but it was such a
dull thing), but then coming out, leaving my
step-mom to wonder what i was doing (i was
such a good liar when it came to those things).

let's try to think back to times that i didn't
spend hiding in my closet, breaking apart
razors to reveal the better blade (for it was
those blades that made the deepest scars).
and i know that's when things were getting
worse (but at least i came to a realization
due to the way i sunk the blade deeper for
no one but my own (torn) eyes to see.)

let's say that if you and i were to ever
speak again... (would everything i've
done to myself be worth the pain?)

October 22, 2006