“Do I like these?” Miguel asked, holding up some strange piece of candy.

“I don’t know, what is it?” I sat on my bed, sifting through the large bag of candy we had bought and emptied on my blanket.

“It’s….orange and smells like…nothing. Okay, pass,” my friend threw the piece in the trashcan and went to find another.

“We’re still going to the movies later tonight right?” He asked, examining a red piece before popping it in his mouth.

“Yeah, everyone said they’re free. I swear, these days its not just asking Georgie if she wants to go, its Georgie and Mishka. They’re like one person now, all but surgically attached at the hip.”

“Haven’t they always been like that?”

“Yeah, I just feel bad for Starr sometimes. Starr and Georgie were best friends long before Mishka came around and now that Georgie has Mishka, Starr is kinda just a third wheel. She feels like she’s been replaced.”

“Well she kind of has been, Georgie doesn’t really need Starr anymore, I bet she can tell Mishka anything she could tell Starr.”

“That’s depressing. Don’t ever replace me, you ho,” I threw a candy at him and hit him in the head, making him look up at me in surprise.

“Only if you never replace me with lover boy!”

“Who, Kyle?”

“No, oh ew.”

“What’s wrong with Kyle? He’s nice,” I said, defending the poor kid.

“He’s so young though!”

“He’s only a year younger than me and three years younger than you! Three years isn’t that much. You have to be nice to him, he’s coming with us to the movies tonight.”

“Seriously?” Miguel asked, not sounding like he believed me.

“Yeah, why not? He’s an unofficial part of the group now.”

“What does Starr have to say about this?!”

“She doesn’t care, as long as he doesn’t bug her.”

“I don’t believe that!”

“Well it’s true, ask her yourself tonight,” I challenged him, unwrapping a piece of candy. It was odd to see how our group had adopted these people over the years. First Miguel and now Kyle, both because of their fascination to me in one way or another.

Hmm..

“No! I’m going to ask her right now.” Miguel whipped out his phone and dialed her number, then put the phone on speaker, setting it down on my bed.

“Hello?” Starr’s voice asked, answering the phone.

“Hey babe, tell Miguel you don’t have a problem with Kyle.” I said, looking at my friend confidently.

“Why? Miguel doesn’t like him?” She responded, sounding slightly confused.

“No, he thinks he’s too young to be hanging out with us.”

“Come on Starr, admit it, the kid is like four.” My friend interjected, trying to prove his point.

“He’s not that bad, I don’t mind having him around.” Starr said, causing Miguel’s face to fall and me to give him an ‘I told you so’ look.

Ha, I told him so.

“What?! I thought you hated all guys! You hated me for years and you just take Kyle in? That’s not fair! You have to hate him too!”

“I’m being lazy this year, I don’t feel like hating Kyle right now. I’ll work on it though,” she said, mocking Miguel slightly.

Miguel said nothing in return, just ate another piece of candy and pouted, feeling betrayed by Starr and her refusal to treat Kyle the way she did with all the other guys she encountered.

“I’m bored, can I come over?” Starr asked, sounding ever so slightly pathetic.

“Yeah! Bring the applications for those schools you want me to look at. We can work on them until we have to leave for the movies!” I was excited to apply for college, next year was going to be so awesome.

Just think, a place where everyone is there because they want to be, everyone all wanting to learn. It was like paradise.

A few minutes later the doorbell rang and I ran downstairs to open it and let Starr in. In her arms were brochures and a couple books talking about the different colleges in the country.

“Daaamn, how many schools are you people applying to?” Miguel asked, sighting Starr’s massive load of books.

“Enough,” I said, sitting down with Starr on the couch and spreading out everything.

“I’m going to raid your fridge, you guys want anything?” he asked, already disappearing through the doorway to my kitchen.

“Two sodas!” I called, returning my gaze to the glossy folders and pamphlets, getting a slight rush from it all.

“So we have state schools, private schools, expensive schools, ivy league schools, you name it and its probably in this book.”

“Where do we want to go?” I asked, not knowing quite where to begin.

“Well with your grades and academic record, you could probably go anywhere in the country, but the rest of us might have to aim a little lower,” Starr said with the slightest edge of sadness in her voice.

“I want to go wherever the rest of you guys go. And besides, your grades aren’t that bad, I’m sure we’ll all get into some great school.”

“Here you go,” Miguel said, setting down two sodas in front of us.

“Are you applying to my school?” He asked, sitting in the chair next to the couch.

“We could,” Starr replied, flipping through the book.

“Get us a book so we can look at it yeah?” I asked, picking up something on the University of California system that I had grabbed from the guidance office.

“Yeah, sure.” I knew Miguel could tell he wasn’t getting any more conversation out of us for awhile. Both of us were lost in planning for next year.

xxx

“Oh are you serious?” I asked, seeing the large black letters written across my desk in my English class.

After our blowout Shawn had gone back to his old ways, but now it was even worse. He wasn’t just denying that he was gay, he had officially turned into everything Paul had been.

He was homophobic jock, version 4.0.

And it seemed as if he had made it his personal mission to make the lives of every openly gay kid on this campus hell. Which, sadly enough, included Kyle and me.

“What? Oh…what the fuck?” Starr asked, getting angry. Several people crowded around me, trying to see what was going on. I took off my messenger bag and put it down on my desk, effectively covering the offensive word and then walked over to my teacher’s desk.

“Mrs. Harper, I have a problem,” I said, shoving one hand in my pocket and running the other through my hair.

“What is it John?” She asked, looking up at me from her papers.

“Someone wrote ‘fag’ across my desk. I’m pretty sure it’s meant for me, you know, unless there are other gay boys that sit in that seat sometime during the day,” I said, starting to find the whole thing rather funny. They said laughter was the best medicine right? Hopefully it was, because I really didn’t know how to feel about this at the moment.

“Really? It wasn’t there Friday right?” She asked, grabbing a booklet of phone numbers and dialed, holding the phone up to her ear.

“No, I’m pretty sure it’s new.” I looked over at Shawn, who was conveniently turned around talking to one of his football friends. As soon as I saw the angry black letters I knew it was him, I had proof read his papers for seven years, his handwriting was the biggest damn give away ever.

I glared a little and then turned back to the teacher, who was on the phone with campus security. She hung up the phone and then looked at me apologetically, “There’s nothing wrong with being different, John. Would you like to sit in a different seat today? They’re probably going to have to remove the desk later to clean it.”

“No, I’ll just keep it covered. Thanks though.” I walked back to my seat, sitting down. The whole class was talking, buzzing about what had happened. Such open intolerance hadn’t been seen for three years. The only people who could remember the last time a gay kid had gotten picked on were seniors, because they had been here when Paul was. To everyone else, this was entirely new.

“Alright, quiet down.” Mrs. Harper said, getting up from her desk and walking to her podium in the middle of the room, staring at all of us.

The whole class stayed quiet, not quite sure what to do.

“Derogatory slurs are unacceptable, in this class, in this school and in life. People who use them are idiots, cowards who can’t deal and then choose to hide behind stupid words. Writing the word ‘fag’ on someone’s desk is disgusting, and only breeds ignorance and intolerance. So in order to kill this, tonight everyone is going to write a paper on derogatory words and the effect they have on people. Eight-thousand words, on my desk, tomorrow.”

She paused, waiting for someone to ask a question or defy her, but no one did. Mrs. Harper was known for being one of the nicer teachers on campus, very motherly, which of course made sense since she had three small children. In any case, she didn’t angry very often, I mean, even I was scared a little.

“Now, everyone take out your books and read for the rest of the period. If I hear one person talk, the paper will be doubled to sixteen-thousand words.” Mrs. Harper sent on last glare around the room and then walked back to her desk, sitting down and continuing to grade papers.

Everyone got out their books, no one saying a word. I could see Starr trying to tell me something, but I just read, not really wanting to…not talk about this. My whole body felt queasy as I thought more and more about what happened. I knew Shawn hated me and was angry, but how could he do this? It was just so…low.

It was like history was repeating itself, only with a new twist. I had become Miguel, the proud gay kid who takes a younger gay kid, Kyle, under his wing. Shawn had become the in-the-closet, homophobic jock, just like Paul had been. Only, Paul never treated Miguel the way Shawn was treating me.

I wish I knew what was going on his head. I didn’t understand how he could be that afraid people wouldn’t like him just because he was gay. I knew his parents were Catholic, but he was their son, didn’t that count for something? In any case, they were both workaholics, it’s not like they were home much to yell at him anyways.

Maybe he didn’t love me like I thought he did. Maybe I had been fooling myself these past years into thinking he had never gotten over me, just because I had never gotten over him. If he really did love me, then wouldn’t he want to be with me no matter what? He had essentially dumped me twice now, freshman year and Saturday.

I didn’t know what to do, how to fix this, how to make things right. I knew I had to be strong, I couldn’t just fall apart at the first sign of trouble. But sometimes it was hard and I hated that it had to be this way. I didn’t understand why my sexuality pointed me out to the rest of the world as someone who should be degraded and made fun of. At the risk of sounding like I was five, it just wasn’t fair.

I needed to talk to Shawn, I needed to do something to make him see that he didn’t have to hide. This wasn’t right, he had to know that doing things like this wasn’t going to make his life better.

It was only going to make him more miserable.

xxx

A month passed and everyday it seemed as if life for me and my group of friends got worse. I never did get to talk to him like I wanted. Shawn was on a mission, he seemed determined to make sure that he wasn’t seen as anything but straight.

It was pathetic.

My friends and I were sitting in our usual spot, relaxing in the safe haven that only the library could provide. All of us stayed quiet, slowly eating sandwiches and sipping at water or juice.

“Kyle? What’s wrong?” Georgie asked, sitting up from her sprawled position across Mishka’s and Starr’s lap.

“Nothing, I’m fine,” Kyle said softly, wincing as he collapsed in a chair. He dropped his green backpack on the floor and lay back in the chair, his arm wrapping around his stomach to hold his side.

“Liar, move you arm,” I said, getting up and kneeling in front of him.

“No, John. Really it’s okay,” Kyle protested, trying to hold me off.

“Stop that and tell us what happened,” Starr said, moving Kyle’s arm so I could gently lift up his shirt.

A large bruise decorated his side, already turning three different colors. His white skin was red and blue and slightly swollen at the center. I touched it slightly, causing my friend to hiss in pain.

“I was walking over here from my class and I accidentally bump into this guy. I didn’t mean to, it really was an accident. But then the next thing I know I’m being pushed behind a wall and kicked.”

“Repeatedly,” I added, stating the obvious. A bruise like this wouldn’t come from just one kick.

“Did you see who did it?” Starr asked. Georgie and Mishka were gone, off to the nurse to get an ice pack. Hopefully it would calm the swelling and make it hurt less.

“Take one guess,” Kyle whispered, looking me in the eye.

I stood up abruptly and left the library, heading directly for the quad. I whizzed past people, only one thought in my head. He wasn’t going to get away with it this time. It was one thing to verbally attack me and make my life a living hell, but he had messed with the wrong person this time.

I reached the quad, teeming full of people, everyone enjoying their break. I made a beeline for his table, already seeing him standing there, talking to a bunch of his friends. Stupid friends that probably didn’t even care about him that much, not like I had, or Mishka or Georgie or Starr. The people he had abandoned for these useless automatons who didn’t even care about a person, just what that person could bring them. I marched over there, my blood pounding and my heart racing. I was on a mission and nothing was going to stop me.

I grabbed a hold of Shawn’s shoulder and spun him around so that he was facing me. Then, before he realized what was happening, I connected my fist with his jaw in a sickening crunch, sending his head backwards. He was about to fall, but I wouldn’t let him. Instead I grabbed his shoulders and kneed him in the groin. Shawn immediately doubled over and I pushed him to the ground.

“GET UP, SHAWN! You want to be an asshole and hide the fact your gay, FINE! But don’t you DARE pick on Kyle, this is between YOU and ME, NOT HIM!” I screamed as he lay on the floor, writhing in pain. His friends stood around, not doing anything, all of them rooted to the ground in shock.

“What the fuck, John!?” Shawn half-yelled, his eyes looking into mine as he realized what I had just said.

“Don’t pick on us just because we can handle being gay and you can’t!” I yelled again, my whole body shaking in anger.

“You’re gay?!” One of his friends asked, finally listening to me.

“N-no,” my ex-lover said weakly, trying to stand up. He stood awkwardly, one hand coming up to softly touch his jaw, feeling the damage I had done. That’s when it hit me, I had beat up a boy who was twice my size. A boy I had loved since before I could remember, a boy I had stood up for and a boy I had just pushed out of the closet. I thought that this would make me feel better, but instead I felt like shit. I didn’t want to hurt him, but I had to. I had to hurt him to save him from himself.

I sounded like a self-righteous asshole. Well too bad, I was right and that’s the story I was sticking to.

“Yes you are! Stop denying it, just own up to it Shawn,” I said demandingly, finishing what I had started, completing the damage. I knew I was publicly outing him and that it was wrong on so many levels. But I had do, something had to be done about him and this was the only way.

“What the hell Shawn? Are you gay or not?” Another guy asked, everyone in the immediate area quiet, waiting to hear his response.

“Tell them Shawn,” I said in a deadly whisper. After everything that had happened between us, I knew our faith and trust in each other was completely shattered to bits. But somewhere, there were the little boys in us, and I knew that the little boy in Shawn still loved me, still valued my opinion and trusted me. I knew because the little boy in me felt the same way about him, nothing would ever change that.

He looked back at me, his eyes pleading and begging.

“Tell them Shawn!” I said louder, my voice forceful.

He turned around and hung his head, whispering something quietly.

“What?” His friend asked, taking a couple steps toward him.

“I am! I’m g-gay.” Shawn stood there, waiting for it to sink in. No one said anything, people just stood there, staring at him.

“Come on,” I said, pulling on his arm, not being able to take it anymore. He let me lead him to the office and I sat him in a chair outside the nurse’s office as I went inside.

“I have my friend outside and he’s really not feeling well, can I take him home?” I asked the woman politely.

“Yes, here.” She handed me a pink slip and I put it in my pocket, being valedictorian certainly did have its advantages. I left the small office and pulled Shawn up from the chair he was slumped over in. We walked slowly to my car, neither of us saying a word.

I knew he was in shock, why wouldn’t he be? All his worst fears had just come true. He’d been publicly outed to the school by an ex-lover. I felt like shit for doing it to him, I couldn’t even imagine how he felt right now.

I was such a jerk.

Before we left, I sent a text to Starr, asking her to grab all my stuff for me and telling her I’d pick it up at her house later. Then Shawn and I left, the security guard not even looking up as I drove through the gate.

I passed through streets I hadn’t taken in years, going to a once familiar place. I parked my car in front of Shawn’s house. The both of us got out and Shawn followed me up to his front door. I pulled the spare key from the mailbox and unlocked the front door, the both of us going inside, as I locked the door behind him.

Shawn wandered into the living room, collapsing onto one of the couches. I went into the kitchen, grabbing a glass and filling it with water. I also reached into the freezer and grabbed an ice pack.

I walked back into living room and handed both to Shawn. He said nothing, just took it and drank some before setting it down on the dark maple coffee table. He held the ice pack to his jaw, lying down on the couch, staring up at the ceiling.

“This isn’t the end of the world you know,” I said, still standing in front of him, looking down at him.

Shawn slowly sat up and turned his face to mine. His eyes made contact with my eyes and he just stared.

“What did you just say?” Shawn said, voice dangerously low.

“I said, this isn’t the end of the world.” I tried to think about what would happen next, what Shawn might do in the scenario. My mind kept coming up blank though, nothing seemed plausible or at all realistic.

Shawn jumped up from the couch and before I knew it, he had slammed his fist into my face, just like I had not even an hour ago.

“Owww,” I said, lying on the floor, holding my jaw.

That hurt.

“Get up John!” Shawn yelled in a mocking voice, standing over me.

“What the hell was that for, you jerk?!” I said, slowly getting to my feet.

“For ruining my life!” He said, face starting to turn pink. His hair was all messed up and his jaw was purple and blue from where I hit him earlier. Shawn’s chest rose and fell rapidly, his breathing heavy.

“I didn’t ruin your life, I fixed it. Stop being such a drama queen,” I said in my normal tone, not responding to his freak-out. I grabbed the ice pack off the floor in front of the couch and held it to my face, trying to numb it.

“My life was fine the way it was! I didn’t need you to fix it, I never asked you to fix it!” Shawn said, voice reaching an even higher pitch. His hands waved everywhere, trying to get his point across, all the while his breathing never slowed down.

“Oh please, you were miserable. At least now you don’t have to hide anymore. Welcome to the real world, I bet it feels a lot better after the cramped closet you’ve been living in for the past four years,” I bit out sarcastically. I didn’t want to deal with this, not his shit. I was tired of it, he needed to wake-up. Something I had been trying to accomplish all year.

“Shut up! You have no idea what you’ve done! You’ve killed everything!” God, Shawn was fitting into every part of the hysterical gay man stereotype. It was funny and disgusting, all at the same time.

“Would you listen to yourself?! You’re pathetic Shawn. You’re gay and so afraid of other people knowing it that you’re willing to harass people like me and Kyle just because we’re not afraid. Does that make you proud Shawn? Picking on kids younger than you who have the courage to be themselves, something you can’t seem to do? Does it help you sleep at night, knowing that somewhere, two people are depressed because they’re getting shit for their sexuality?”

“No, of course it doesn’t!” Shawn responded, sounding slightly horrified.

Good, he should be horrified.

“Then why do you do it? What are you so afraid of Shawn?” I asked softly, not wanting to get him all worked up again.

“I don’t want everyone to hate me,” he said in a voice that sounded broken and defeated. His breathing was starting to even out and his face was returning to its normal bronze colour. He backed up against the wall and then slid down, his knees against his chest and his head in his hands.

I walked over and crouched next to him, hesitantly running one of my hands through his hair, pushing it away from his face gently.

God, it was just as silky and soft as ever.

“Everyone’s going to hate me John, I won’t have any friends. Football is going to be a living nightmare, I’ll be an outcast,” he said, speaking into his body.

I sat down on the floor next to him, mentally preparing myself for a long talk.

“No one is going to hate you. In case you haven’t noticed, no one bugged me or Kyle before you went on your tirade,” I said, trying to comfort him, but at the same time not really knowing how.

Slowly, we were coming together again; he was giving in, finally accepting reality.

“But you’re different. You’re not the star quarterback, you haven’t had a girlfriend for the past three years,” Shawn pouted. Truth be told, he sounded like he was five and someone just told him he had to share his new dump truck.

It was cute and sad, all at the same time.

“That’s right. I am the valedictorian though, which puts me in a bit of an influential position. A lot of people, teachers included, look up to me and come to me for help and advice. I mean, the whole office staff practically knows my name and never once have any of those people looked down upon me because of my sexuality.

“Really?” Shawn asked, face turning to the side, his eyes meeting mine.

“Yeah. I’m not going to lie to you though, the first week or so is hard. To you and me, being gay isn’t new, but to everyone else it is. They’re gonna gossip, but then they won’t care. Someone else will do something that will catch their attention. After that you’re pretty much home free,” I said, glad I was being honest. I mean, in all actuality, our school was too big for anyone to care about something for too long.

“What about my friends?” He asked, as though he were going down a mental checklist.

“If they can’t accept you unconditionally, then they were never really your friends in the first place. Remember when Starr, Georgie and Mishka found out about us? They didn’t care; they cared about who we were as people, that’s what mattered. It’s still the only thing that matters.”

“Yeah…are they okay?” He asked, sounding remorseful.

“Uhuh, they miss you though. Maybe not Starr so much, she’s still angry at you for what you did, but the rest of us do. I miss you Shawn,” I said quietly, looking down into my lap.

“I’ve missed you too,” he said, face still turned towards me.

“I’ve been a complete ass haven’t I?” He asked, smirking just a little.

“Yeah, the biggest,” I said, looking into his brilliant green eyes. They were shining, just like they used to.

“Why’d you do all this?” Shawn asked, scooting closer to me. He had relaxed now, thankfully. I didn’t know what was going on in his head, but I knew he wasn’t going to hide anymore.

There was no way he could after what had happened today anyways.

“Because I love you, and it was killing me to see you repressing yourself like that,” I said, being completely honest. I had always hoped Shawn still loved me, but I never had any proof. I guess I’d find out now though.

“You love me?” He asked incredulously, as if he thought I was actually lying to him.

“…Yeah, I do.” I said, bracing myself for rejection.

Shawn said nothing, he got up from his position on the wall and walked down the hallway, then came back towards me.

“You love me?!” He asked again.

“Yes.” Short and simple, no need to give him more ammunition towards me then he already did.

“Leave,” he said, going to the door and opening it.

“What?” I said, scrambling up from the floor so I could face him. Was he serious?!

“I need to think, leave. Please?” He begged when I didn’t move.

I said nothing, just walked out the door and got into my car and drove away. I sped down the street, trying to think, trying to concentrate. He had told me to leave. I told him I loved him and he kicked me out. I didn’t understand why this kept happening! Why, what did I do to deserve this?

We had come so far and all of it went to shit in a second.

xxx

That night I was depressed at a level I hadn’t reached since my mom died. Nothing felt right, I had a conference call with Miguel and Starr and they tried to make me feel better, but it didn’t work.

He was finally coming out and he still didn’t want me.

What was wrong with me that he didn’t want me? What had I done? I just didn’t understand.

I had finished changing into my pjs and was getting in bed when I heard knocking at the front door. Jason was still out on a date with his girlfriend so I went to answer it, wondering who would be stopping by at such a late hour.

As soon as I had opened the door, Shawn rushed forward and kissed me. One of his hands wrapped itself in my long, wet hair and the other cupped my cheek, his thumb softly caressing my skin. I heard the door close behind him as he pushed me up against the wall, his arms leaving their previous positions and wrapping around my shoulders and waist.

“I love you and I’m sorry,” he said breathlessly, pulling away from my face ever so slightly.

“Why should I believe you?” I asked, looking into his eyes, wanting so badly to believe him, to fall in love all over again. I wanted to be happy.

“Because, I’m ready. I’ll come out, officially. I’ll do anything, I just want to be with you, please John,” he said, kissing my lips again, ever so gently.

“Really?” I asked, still doubtful.

“Yes, really. Name it and it’s yours.”

“I don’t want to hide our relationship, not at school, not in public, nowhere. That’s my only condition,” I said, half expecting him to leave, back out again.

“Okay. Open relationship, if that’s what you want, that’s what’s going to happen. I love you,” he said, hugging my tightly.

“I love you too,” I said, my whole self suddenly feeling ten times happier. It had worked, I had my boyfriend back. He was going to come out completely; we didn’t have to hide our feelings for each other anymore.

This was awesome!

Shawn’s mouth returned to mine, kissing me with a passion I had never before experienced. He pressed me up against the wall, his body molding with mine. I could feel him getting hard as he slipped his tongue in my mouth, exploring, taking what was his.

I leaned my head back as he moved to kiss my jaw line, placing soft kisses against the bruised skin, moving on to my neck, licking, nipping, sucking.

“Let’s take this to my room,” I said, barely any breath left in me.

Shawn backed up slightly and walked behind me as I led the way to my room. As soon as we had both crossed through the doorway, Shawn shut the door, stripped off his shirt and advanced on me.

Pushing me back onto my bed, my boyfriend climbed on top of me, one of his hands sliding underneath my shirt as he kissed me, his kisses hard and passionate against my lips.

Shawn pulled my shirt off, throwing it somewhere around my room. It was dark, but I could still see his silhouette as he moved down my body, his golden skin contrasted against my deadly white.

My erection throbbed and my back arched into his touch, his hot mouth feeling like heaven against my skin. My nipples turned into hard little knobs as he sucked them, his mouth biting slightly, and then moving on down my body.

I wrapped one hand tightly into his perfect black hair, pulling his face back up to mine. I slid my tongue in his mouth and explored, feeling every crevice of his mouth. He slid his hands into my boxers, removing them and my pajama bottoms at the same time.

“I love you so, so much,” Shawn whispered, one hand cupping my face and the other moving down my body, feeling my hip and down my thigh.

My hands were shaky as I reached up and undid the button and zipper to his jeans. I pushed them off his body, sending his boxers with it. He kicked them off his legs and let them fall off the bed, taking my leg and hooking it around his waist.

The second our erections rubbed together I groaned aloud, the friction alone almost making me come.

I kissed Shawn’s bruised lips, biting down on his lower lip and pulling it slightly.

“Do you want to do this?” He said breathily, face buried in my neck.

“Yes. You never slept with Mariella right?” I asked already knowing the answer, but wanting to hear it again.

“No, ew.” He said, chuckling a little before kissing my neck.

“Good,” I breathed, arching my back into his touch. I wrapped my other leg around him, our erections coming into permanent contact.

Jesus, Mary, and Joseph that felt so damn fantastic.

Shawn had one hand still on my face, cupping my bruised jaw, the other reaching around to my bottom. He slid one finger in slowly, kissing me in order to distract me.

“Okay?” He asked, looking into my eyes with concern.

“Yeah, I’m good.” It was only a little uncomfortable, but my body adjusted quickly until I didn’t even feel it. I felt so ready for this, I needed to take that next step with Shawn. I wanted him so damn badly it hurt.

Shawn slid his finger in and out of me a few times before slowly adding another. My body squirmed a little, not used to the new feeling.

“We can stop anytime,” my boyfriend whispered, kissing my temple and looking into my eyes once again.

“No, keep going,” I said, arching my back even more.

Shawn slid his fingers in an out, opening them inside me, stretching me, preparing me for what was to come.

After a few moments Shawn took his fingers out and positioned himself at my entrance, his hands holding my hips.

“Ready?” He asked softly, leaning down to kiss me. This kiss was different, it was slow, heavy, passionate.

I nodded my head and he slid in a quarter of the way, going at a glacial pace.

It hurt a little so I moved my bottom half around a slightly, trying to adjust. Once it felt okay, Shawn entered me more, filling me more than I thought possible.

“Just go all the way,” I whispered, wanting to get the pain part over with. I wanted to feel good already, get to the part I would remember forever.

“Are you sure?” He asked, looking a little uneasy.

“Yeah, go,” I said.

Shawn slid in all the way, causing me to gasp and lean my head back onto the pillow. My body adjusted and slowly the pain disappeared.

“Okay, I’m good” I whispered, smiling up at the boy I loved. I couldn’t believe this was actually happening, I had wanted him for so long and now here he was, in my bed making love to me.

Shawn slid out and then pushed back in, repeating the action, every time angling himself differently. The air in my room was getting hotter, the two of us moving together, panting, trying to catch our breath as we made love for the first time.

And then he found did it and it turned something on in my body, pleasure rolling through me like a tsunami.

“Oh Jesus Christ, do that again,” I moaned, trying to get my body as close as possible to his. I wanted us to become one, for our souls to reach out from our bodies and touch, cementing us as one unit in this world, unable to separate.

My boyfriend slid out and slammed back into me, hitting that spot and making the whole experience ten times better. My body moved with his, perfectly in sync. Shawn breathed heavily above me, the both of us letting out small moans every few seconds.

“God John, you’re so amazing,” Shawn whispered, his erection moving in and out of me.

My hand reached out and wrapped around my erection, pumping in time with Shawn’s strokes. My orgasm slowly built up and then exploded inside me, making me feel something I never had before. I was glad my dad wasn’t there, because there was no way I could’ve contained the scream I let out.

Shawn pulled out and laid half on me and half on my bed.

“I love you,” he said for the umpteenth time that night, although I knew I would never get sick of hearing those words from his beautiful lips.

“I’m gonna go get a towel alright?” I said, looking into his eyes and climbing slowly out of bed. I walked equally as slowly to the bathroom, grabbing a washcloth and wiping myself off.

Once I felt as clean as I could get without taking a shower I returned to my bedroom, closing the door softly behind me.

“Hey, all better?” Shawn asked, smiling up at me from where he sat on my bed, legs dangling off the side.

“Yeah,” I said, pulling on my boxers and sitting next to him.

Neither of us said anything for awhile, we just sat there, the moonlight coming in through my window and shining on our backs. I was waiting for him to talk, not really knowing what to say to him.

“You know, I never think I’ll be able to get through to you how sorry I am for all the pain I’ve caused you. After you left I walked. First I walked around the block and then when I came back to my house, I didn’t want to go inside, so I just kept walking. I thought about everything, about freshman year and why I did what I did. Then I thought about you and what was happening this year and I realized a lot of things.”

“Oh yeah? Like what,” I said, trying to take in and process everything that he was telling me.

“That I’m not strong like you or as mature as you. It’s taken me three years to reach the point you’ve been at for so long. And then the way I acted this past month…I was so wrong and I’m sorry. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to say it enough. But I love you and you’re worth anything, I wish I had realized that freshman year, I could’ve saved you so much pain.”

“That might’ve been nice,” I said, staring into my lap.

“This isn’t going to be easy is it?” He asked softly, turning himself around so that he was facing the window.

“No, probably not. After all the stuff that’s happened, it’s going to be really hard for me to trust you. Every time things got hard, you left me and that’s not so easy to get over.”

“I’m not leaving this time, I know now. I know what I’m getting into and I’m ready,” Shawn said earnestly, trying to prove himself to me.

“You said that before too and you still left. I want to believe this is going to work Shawn, I want it to work. I’ve waited so long,” I said, sounding depressed and defeated.

Why wasn’t anything ever easy? It was so…so…annoying.

“I want this to work too. Just give me time and I’ll prove myself to you and to Starr and Georgie and Mishka and everyone else. I’m gonna be the most perfect boyfriend ever,” he said, turning my face so that it lined up with his. He leaned in slowly, kissing me gently, before pulling away and staring into my eyes.

My long blonde hair fell over my shoulder creating a curtain between us as I stared into my lap.

“Tired?” he asked.

“Yeah, that and some other things.” I felt confused. I needed to talk to Miguel and Starr, analyze this and pick it apart to its most minute details. I was so glad to have Shawn back, but I was scared. It seemed like every time he decided we would work it didn’t. In the end something happened and he left, then I was alone again. I wanted to protect myself from that pain, the memories of it hurt enough.

Shawn pulled the covers back and we climbed under them. He pulled me close to him, his arm around my shoulders and my arm wrapped around his chest.

“Everything’s going to be okay,” he whispered.

“I hope so,” I said, listening to his breathing.

“…hey,” my boyfriend whispered into the dark.

“Yeah?” I said, already half asleep.

“I love you more than anything else in the world. I’m never going to let you go, not for anything or anyone. Sweet dreams,” Shawn said in a sweet voice, kissing the top of my head.

“Love you,” I mumbled, falling into the dream world, my mind busy with all the day’s events.

xxx

a/n: alright, this is the longest chapter I have ever written for any story of mine. i dedicate it to kanari kireteru doll because she practically held my hand as I wrote this, and listened to me bitch about losing my ideas. she’s awesome. and since this chapter was so long, I deserve reviews. so go, do it, review.

ohoh and special thanks to Esquirella, red-headed psychopaths wanted, The Intelligent Designer, and Back of Beyond, because they reviewed chapter twelve.