( what if I lost my direction? what if I lost sense of time? )

c a s c a d e

(a hundred million m i l e s)

It’s too quiet.

I realize this, waking up to the ticking of the clock, an every-second rhythm so familiar it’s scary – the way being too comfortable in a bed for too long is uncomfortable – and I can’t take it anymore. I’ve got to get out of here. Just get away for a while; get used to being alone and unafraid and… alone. Get used to that ticking.

So I start walking. And it’s not Forrest Gump, there’s no “I’m gonna change the world!” or whatever. I’m just taking a walk.

Yeah, taking a walk. And if it leads me to the airport, then so be it. And if that airplane takes me to… Oh, say, Alaska (‘cause I’ve heard the Northern Lights are so beautiful and being cold is so exhilarating), then that’s okay too. ‘Cause it’s way too quiet and warm and cozy here, and I wanna be shaken up.

It’s a waterfall, you know – living. You step into the river and you can’t escape, just have to close your eyes and let yourself get swept away, lose yourself to the feeling of life, and then, then you’ve lived. But instead of freefalling, I’ve spent so long fighting emotion, fighting adrenaline, trying to be the sweet, correct, perfect one. Trying to be Mother’s Little Girl.

So depressing, so wrong, the American Dream. The corporate undertaking, the moneymaker, the good girl.

But it’s just

one

more

step

and then I’ll be there, away from this, and the plane will land and who gives a damn that I don’t really have any luggage and I spent most of my pocket money on the plane ticket? It’s the living I want, and if it takes being starving and cold in a little Mom and Pop motel, then that’s okay. Anything to make me feel something.

‘Cause it’s a waterfall – being alive. Rocks at the bottom, sharp ones that’ll cut you and break you and tear you to pieces, but there’s salvation somewhere in there too, and the long moment of freedom, of blind helpless terror as you fall, reminds you that life…

Life doesn’t flow, it doesn’t walk, it doesn’t do anything until you set it in motion, and then it cascades. From repetitive mornings waking up alone, being the good kid to doing the most unexpected things imaginable and then some. Zero to infinity in three seconds flat, and then you’re carried away, a hundred million miles in one step, and you’re lost in the waves.

And letting go never felt so right.

( what if I nursed this infection? maybe the worst is behind. it feels just like I'm falling for the first time. )

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A/N: hmm. More stylized than usual. Not sure if I like this or not. Uh... In case you couldn't tell, I've been playing around with different styles of writing. Tell me what you think of this one. Lyrics in parintheses at beginning and end are from Falling for the First Time by the Barenaked Ladies. Review if you like.

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