Tyro And Kharon’s Involuntary Adventure

1st Chapter – The Beginning

A/N: This story is not finished. Maybe I'll never finish it. Maybe I will continue on it some day. At any rate, I had great fun when I started writing on it ages ago, but I never got around to write more on it. It's highly influenced by Terry Pratchett (a great author, you should read all of his books! Seriously!), but doubtfully as good as any work by him.

If any of you people reading by coincidence are Norwegian you are welcome to go to my profile and read it in Norwegian (it was originally written in Norwegian, and translating it was a drag - I would never have managed to make a decent sentence without Aemilia's great aid (go check out her work - she's got lots and lots of funny stories on her account) She's also responsible for the two funniest comments in the whole story; the toothbrush comment and the backed-up drains comment. I love you girl:D). The Norwegian version is slightly longer (about 10 sentences, don't worry), but I've been seperated from my dictionary so I've had trouble translating the last bits. Maybe I'll translate them after Christmas when I'm (hopefully) re-united with my lovely dictionary (and also my Oxford Advanced Learners - my other trusted dictionary. Only trouble is that I must already know what the word I'm looking for is in English when using it... )

Anyway. Have fun.

All stories need a beginning where we are presented with the protagonist, and we are likely to get to know what this person looks like, what (s)he does in his/hers spare time, how kind and innocent this person is, and what the problem is. And all good tales’ conflict must involve the protagonist to some degree, hopefully to one that requires the poor bugger to go on a dangerous and/or long mission or quest for months or even years, which can be especially nasty if one has forgotten one’s toothbrush. The obstacles (s)he will inevitably meet will most likely be arranged so that they are harder to overcome as the main character is nearing his/her goal. It’s not until these obstacles have been overcome that the protagonist is allowed to go home, hopefully a few experiences the wiser, and everyone is happy.

Our story is about Tyro and Kharon.

Tyro was the god for the lost, both the religiously and geographically, and also for those who are lost concerning time (that is, for the ones who the expression “to be at the wrong place at the wrong time” would be fitting. As a result Tyro had had many a sudden worshipper who ended his or her life with the words “Just you try to cut me up with that knife; Tyro is definitely with m- argh!”), and he was also a minor god for the sick albatrosses on the side. If you ever got to see him, you wouldn’t be able to tell that he was a god, in spite of all the divine apples and grapes he’d eaten, and all the heavenly honey he’d drunk; neither were able to hide the somewhat confused stare with the slightly cross-eyed look, the goofy smile plastered across his face, nor the air of disorientation and confusion that surrounded him in a twenty centimetre radius. Everyone who got this close would experience a feeling of being anywhere but where they were supposed to be.

Not even his long, wild hair could hide the stupid grin. His height (1.60 m) didn’t exactly help the impression that he was a mature god (987 ¾ years old), nor did his staggering walk as if he was continuously changing his mind about where he wanted to go.

There were rumours among the gods that the only reason why Tyro was still allowed to be god for the lost (which, in fact, was a very small position as it was the Angels of Destiny who decided what would happen to those who got in trouble, something heroes like Acis the Fearless and Liander the Fruitbatty had discovered a long time ago, as they were still alive. Had they, on the other hand, thought that Tyro was the one who watched over the lost ones and decided whether you were worthy of surviving, they would have ended some or other temple raid in distant lands staring with dead eyes at all the arrows, spears and swords and other sharp objects which can impale a human body, which were sticking out of their body. But, as they were still alive they had, of course, realized that the Angels of Destiny favoured those who could manage by themselves) and for the sick albatrosses, was because he was Zone’s daughter’s son’s cousin’s nephew’s brother, twice removed, but that was difficult to tell what with all the children Zone had gotten during the last 10 100 years with various goddesses and mortal women.

Zone was the leader of all the gods, the one who in the end decided in conflicts between gods and goddesses (humans were generally handled by someone else, unless a mortal managed to attract Zone’s interest), and who sent his punishing lightning bolts the few times he actually did decided a dispute between mortals. Zone also was the main patron of all the new godlings and was in charge of adding additions to Aë (the palace of the gods) lest things get too crowded. In the beginning, Aë had been impressive. Now it was a maze. A maze with long bathroom lines and backed-up drains. Of course it was Zone’s fault that they had all these so-called heroes, these demigods, who, because they had a drop of immortal blood in their vain veins thought they were special. All of these normally ended up as suicidal heroes, who strangely enough were the heroes who lived longest. They actually reached an age of 20 years!

But all these were evil-minded rumours about Tyro. Other rumours said that is was Virinica who’d convinced Zone to allow Tyro to keep what little divine power he had. Virinica, by the way, was the only goddess they knew wasn’t Zone’s daughter with any certainty. Ironically, it was for this reason Zone treated her as though she were. She also had a thing for Tyro.

Neither of them was true.—

Kharon was the God of Disloyalty, Enmity and Jealousy. He wasn’t a god you worshipped; he was a god you sacrificed to in fear of punishmentfor not doing so because he was the grumpiest god of them all. Well, except for Dormus, who was as grumpy as a female bear with kids, PMS and a toothache would be, Kharon was the grumpiest of them all. And you didn’t have any troubles seeing that he was a god; muscles nicely portioned on a tall and well-formed body, hair which lay unnaturally perfect around a beautiful face which had a smile which unfortunately never reached the eyes, and he had a way about him that told he was superior to everyone except for those who could beat him, and so far that had been only Zone.

How it came to pass that Kharon and Tyro was tried in the High Divine Court, accused of having helped an amorous prince kidnapping an already married princess, which resulted in the total wipe-out of two major cities, an unknown number of towns and villages and the death of uncountable people, which had created a queue in Allori’s system, the Goddess of Death, nobody knew. Humans weren’t dying when they were supposed to anymore, but could for a longer period of time walk around as a shadow of their former self. It was not tolerable. The guilty had to be punished!

---

‘You are being accused for the kidnapping of the already-married Princess Avina,’ Zone began while he was looking at Kharon and Tyro where they were laying humbly at the floor at Zone’s feet. Somewhere in the mass of gathered deities someone said disrespectfully: ‘As if he ever cared about a wedding ring before!’

Zone did not make any comment to this, but continued to the prone figures on the floor:

‘As a result of this kidnapping, the cities of Naya and Kamiro were totally destroyed and the citizens too. This, together with the destruction of a number of smaller towns and villages has created a massive wave of souls waiting to leave their bodies. This is extremely grave, as we can’t have people still walking around with no heads as if they were chickens.

What do you have to say in your defence?’

‘If I may?’ Kharon said as humble as he could manage, which is as humble the victorious general is in front of the captured enemy general.

‘Spill it,’ Zone answered. Kharon raised and looked over the flock of rumour-hungry deities.

‘If I actually had been the one behind this rather unfortunate episode,’ Kharon finally said, ‘Then I at least would have tried to hide who had done it. I have some pride of work,you know! And I would never leave clues as obvious as a document practically saying I did it so I can be sentenced for it. That’s ridiculous! And, what is even more ridiculous is that I’m being accused as Tyro’s accomplice!As if I would join with him to make trouble! And it wasn’t even mine or Tyro’s writing on the document!’

Some of the deities started to murmur among themselves that this was indeed true. No one despised Tyro as much as Kharon.

‘Could be, Kharon, could be. But until your innocence has been proven, I must sentence you,’ Zone interrupted (Zone’s word was law, because that was the law. Simple as that. Kharon and Tyro should be glad just to have a trial at all, which was just Zone’s way of trying to make Virinica happy again). ‘Do you have anything to say, Tyro?’

The silence was palpable.

‘Tyro?’ Still no answer.

‘Tyro? Answer me man!’

The silence was deafening.

‘Anatos, go kick Tyro!’ Zone ordered.

Anatos, the God of Pride and Superiority and Kharon’s younger brother, went over to Tyro’s body, aimed and kicked Tyro so hard that he moved about 30 cm above the floor before he landed again. Tyro gave a grunt, rolled over on his side and started to snore.

‘Oh. He’s asleep. Well then. I sentence you, Kharon, God of Rivalry, Enmity and Jealousy, and Tyro, God of the Lost (here there was some giggles to be heard from the crowd), to wander among the mortals, as mortals, that is, without any form of divine powers, for 10 years each,’ Zone said to Kharon. ‘Any objections?’ he added with a raised eyebrow.

By the looks of it, Kharon would have liked to smite someone down with plague and boils right there and then, but instead he gave a single shake of his head.

‘Good. Because you and Tyro will have to be together for these next 10 years.’

‘What?! You can’t be serious about that?!’

‘And remember, Kharon: Tyro better be alive when your sentenced time is over; otherwise you’ll wish you weren’t!’

‘But you can’t seriously mean that I will have to watch over that gnome of a god?!’Kharon squealed, all superiority blown away.

Zone did a dismissive wave with his hand and all the divine shine around Kharon started to slowly fade away. Tyro seemed unaffected.

‘But I can’t watch over that brat!’

Zone leaned to his right of his throne chair and pulled a lever. Behind Kharon and Tyro the air split, and a dirty, burnt down village was visible.

‘Have fun!’ Zone said cheerfully, and meant it, while the Gods of Bodybuilding and Weight trainers, Iham and Sparkles, pulled first the moaning Kharon to the tear and pushed him through, and then the snoring Tyro. Immediately after the tear had swallowed Tyro’s last snore it closed again.

A/N: that's it I'm afraid. Maybe there'll be some more one day. Time will tell.