|The True Story of Humpty Dumpty
Author: hvnolife PM
Ever wonder how Humpty Dumpty ended up sitting on top of the wall that fateful day? Here's what really happened. Many guest appearances of other fairy tale characters.Really funny. Read and review please. Final Chapter up! It's long!Rated: Fiction T - English - Humor - Chapters: 6 - Words: 7,522 - Reviews: 6 - Favs: 1 - Updated: 05-21-07 - Published: 11-06-06 - Status: Complete - id: 2272432
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
An uncomfortable silence fell over the two. Both of their eyes scanned the trees for any predators, but found nothing lurking in the forest. Granny began to twiddle her thumbs, unsure what to do next. Humpy Dumpty dragged his foot in a circle on the dirt, replaying the day in his head and tried to plan the next course of action to take. Suddenly, singing echoed around the forest, breaking the silence.
"Don't cha wish your girlfriend was…" the mysterious object cooed.
"Is that someone's cell phone?" Granny asked, perturbed. "That is so insensitive. Man I hate people who blast their ring tones as if everyone in the world wants to listen to the horrible song they picked," Humpy Dumpty searched for the source of the sound. After finding the source for the noise he glanced up at its owner.
"Granny, I think it's coming from your pocket," Humpy Dumpty stepped away, letting the old woman rummage though her pants eagerly.
"Oh, I never get calls!" Granny snatched the phone from her pocket and glanced at the screen. Her face scrunched up in confusion. "Who's little Red?"
Humpy Dumpty gawked at the woman. "Your granddaughter."
"Who?" Granny asked still confused.
"You know, the kid you were just throwing grenades at," Humpy Dumpty reminded the woman.
"Oh her," Granny's face lit up in recognition, but dropped back to confusion. "She's not dead?"
"No, you were trying to kill her?" asked a shocked Humpy Dumpty.
"I was just kidding," Granny replied laughing. Then turned away from the gullible egg muttering, "Not. I mean who would miss her anyway?"
"What'd you say Granny?" the sharp-eared egg asked.
"Nothing deary," Granny assured. She turned her phone off and put it back in her pocket.
"You're not going to answer it?" the egg asked.
"I thought I had blocked her, um…I mean she hung up," Granny stumbled out, trying to give an excuse for ignoring her granddaughter.
"Look, Granny, I appreciate your help, but I think we should…" Humpy Dumpty stopped at the sound of rustling. The bushes began to shake, and Humpy Dumpty, petrified, backed behind Granny. Granny calmly strutted, towards the shaking bush.
"Don't," Humpy Dumpty grabbed Granny, pulling her away from the bush. "It might be dangerous." Granny glanced down at the trembling egg.
"I've got a gun, what does Miss Blondielocks got?" The fearless women continued her quest toward the bushes.
"It's Goldilocks," Humpy Dumpty corrected.
"Goldilocks?" The grandmother halted and swung around to face the egg. She eyed him suspiciously, and then broke into a huge smile. "Sorry, didn't know you liked her."
"What!" Humpy Dumpty shrieked, his gaze meeting Granny's sparkling eyes. "Like her, she's trying to kill me!"
"Awe, your first fight. You L-O-V- her," Granny teased.
"It's L-O-V-E," Humpy Dumpty corrected.
"You would know, wouldn't you? You love her," Granny mocked.
"No I don't," he quickly denied. "I hate her! I'm trying to escape from her. How could you ever think I would like her?"
"Well, you're the one who noticed her hair was brunette and not blonde," Granny explained.
"It's gold not brunette," Humpy Dumpty corrected automatically.
"Ha!" Granny shouted triumphantly pointing a finger at him. "See, I'm right. You love her. Can I come to the wedding?"
"No, you can't come to the wedding!" the frustrated egg shouted.
"Oh," Granny's eyes swelled with tears. "I see. You don't like me so you don't want to invite me to your wedding."
"No, Granny of course you can come to my wedding," Humpy Dumpty promised, cheering the weeping lady up.
"Good, so when is it?" Granny replied happily, doing a complete 180 mood shift.
"No, there's not going to be a wedding!"
"Oh, you're eloping!" Granny shouted excited.
"No, I don't like her! She's a murderer!" he howled.
"That's no way to talk about your future wife," Granny chastised. "What ever problems you have, you can workout."
"I give up," the worn out egg plopped to the ground, throwing his hands up in defeat. The bush had stopped rustling since their argument.
"Honestly I think you can do better. Plus I still say she looks blonde," Granny said squinting over the egg's shoulder.
"How do you know?" the egg asked, still sitting on the ground.
"She standing over their behind you," Granny shrugged.
"What!" Humpy Dumpty shot up to his feet and swung around. "How long has she been there?"
"Oh, about three minutes give or take," the clueless old woman shrugged. Humpy Dumpty pulled the aloof Grandmother down behind a tree. They both glanced at the dangerous girl around the tree. She had a long blade in one hand and took an alert stance, like a cobra ready to strike. Her eyes sharply searched the forest for any movement. Humpy Dumpty stood like a statue, while Granny sized up her competitor.
"Only a knife," Granny mocked. "You've got to be kidding me. Come on let me at her," Granny reached for her grenades.
"No," Humpy Dumpty smacked Granny's hand. Both of them froze, as Goldilocks swung her head to the noise. She quietly tiptoed toward the loud tree.
"Why am I hiding?" Granny asked as she began to head around the tree. "She doesn't know me."
Humpy Dumpty, seeing no point in arguing, warned her "Be careful." Granny turned to face the sincere egg.
"I'll be fine. I'll play the sweet old helpless Granny," she rose from her crouching position to face her challenge. The young girl raised her arm to strike and lunged forward. Granny quickly sidestepped out of her way, letting the overeager attacker fall flat on her face into the dirt.
"Oh, deary. Are you alright?" Granny inquired with fake concern. "Sorry, but didn't your mother ever tell you not to lunge with a deadly knife at strangers. After all, I'm just a sweet old helpless grandmother, whose only purpose in life is to take care of my grandchildren, no matter how pathetic they really are, and bake an endless supply of goodies all day," Granny turned and winked at the hidden egg. Goldilocks eyed the grandmother, who was smiling sweetly at the young girl, suspiciously.
"Sorry, I'm just looking for a, um, friend?" Goldilocks apologized for her behavior, believing the old woman. "Yeah, a friend. Have you seen an egg around here, running as if he was trying to escape a psycho bear killer?"
"Maybe," Granny looked up in thought, "Is he orange, with black shoes and screams 'there's a crazy gold hair little girl trying to kill me' all day?"
"Yes!" Goldilocks jumped excited.
"Nope, haven't seen him," Granny replied much to the little girl's dismay.
"So, what ya doing in the middle of the forest?" Goldilocks inquired.
"Oh, you know…um my granddaughter," Granny fumbled over an excuse. "Yes my granddaughter is here, and I'm looking for her. Because I…love her?" Granny finished unsure. "Man, I'm a good liar," she mumbled under her breath.
"Oh, I saw a young girl running that way," Goldilocks pointed a small finger to the left, where a crater laid from an explosive.
"Really, that's great. But I think I'll just let her find her way back. You know, you can't do everything for them," Granny peeked at the tree hiding Humpy Dumpty. "You know, now that I think about it, I did see your boyfriend," Granny turned the girl in the opposite direction.
"Oh, he's not my boyfriend. Just a friend," Goldilocks assured, following the grandmother.
"Don't worry dear, I'm sure you'll get pass the friend phase," Granny comforted, patting the young women's shoulder.
"No he's not my boyfriend. Just someone I'm stalking…I mean looking for," Goldilocks looked away hoping the other woman had missed her slip up.
"Stalk him?" Granny repeated puzzled. "Sounds like a boyfriend to me." Granny walked down a path, as the clueless psycho followed her. "So what do you do for a living?"
"Oh, you know. A little bit of this, and a little bit of that," Goldilocks vaguely replied.
"'Oh," Granny nodded in understanding. "Well I don't appreciate druggies, but at least your taking initiative in your life. Good for you."
"Wait, I'm not a…" Goldilocks defense was stopped as a hand covered her mouth.
"Shush, do you hear that?' Granny questioned as she looked around in search of the fake noise. Goldilocks gripped her knife tightly. Granny, seeing the young girl's defensive move, rolled her eyes. She clutched her grenade. "What's that?" Granny pointed to her left. Goldilocks swung her head to the left, just as the scheming woman rolled a grenade to the right. BAM! The explosion knocked both of the women off their feet, and carried them into the bushes. Both ladies sprung up quickly.
"What the hell was that?" Goldilocks looked around bewildered.
"We're under attack!" Granny shouted, rolling another grenade, this time farther from them. Another explosion echoed through the forest.
"By who?" Goldilocks wondered. Doing what she did, she tended to make a lot of enemies. While Goldilocks' back was facing the old woman, Granny threw a large rock at the girl's head. Thump! Goldilocks dropped to the ground in a daze. She looked up only to see the innocent grandmother with an amused expression on her face. Goldilocks jumped up into an attacking stance with the knife raised firmly in the air. Granny stared at the young girl, shaking her head.
"They have grenades, and you're gonna attack them with a knife?" Granny asked the naïve girl.
Humpty Dumpty watched the whole scene in astonishment, proud to have such a good dedicated friend like Granny. He had to give it to her, she was a good actress. Humpty Dumpty took a rock in his hand and glared at the murderous gold-haired girl. He swung his arm back and threw the big, jagged rock. Too bad, the projectile stopped a foot short of its target. Humpty Dumpty swiftly ducked down, just as Goldilocks swung her head toward the motionless rock. As she glanced toward the bush, Granny picked up another rock and threw it at the young girl's head. Goldilocks hand shot to the back of her head.
"We have to get out of here!" Granny shouted and sprinted away. Soon she had Goldilocks right on her heels. Leafs scattered away as the two pairs of legs bounded down the forest dirt trail, fleeing from the attack of a mysterious force. Granny glanced back at the scared murderous girl, and smirked. She started to drop firecrackers behind her. Pop! Crack!
"Ow!" Goldilocks screamed, as she jumped around the explosive devices. Granny suddenly halted her escape and looked around the forest. Satisfied that they were safely away from Humpty Dumpty, she turned to face the battered girl. Goldilocks' previously violet shirt and blue pants were shredded, and covered with dirt.
"Who the hell is trying to kill you?" Goldilocks yelled, panting.
"Me?" the grandmother asked shocked. "No, no deary. They must be trying to kill you, for I am only a sweet old grandmother," Granny batted her eyelashes, innocently.
"Well I'm just a sweet young little girl," Goldilocks replied, swinging her hands behind her back. Granny's eyes narrowed at the lying little girl.
"Well, you know what they say-" Granny began.
"Looks can be deceiving?" Goldilocks guessed, interrupting the grandmother.
"What? I was going to say little girls with gold hair lie, and old Granny's drop over and die," Granny shook her head. "Looks can be deceiving? Ha, I knew it! Your hair isn't gold, it's blonde. You bottled blonde hair bimbo!"
"No, it's not!" Goldilocks denied.
"Yes it is!" Granny accused. "I bet you're not even a girl!"
"What! I am too!" Goldilocks assured.
"Are not, tubby! Granny shouted. "Blonde my butt!"
"And what a big butt it is!" Goldilocks shouted. Gasps echoed through the forest as little creatures gathered around the two bickering, well, one bickering woman and one bickering she-man.
"I may have a fat butt, but at least I don't have two!" Granny shot back.
"Two! I so do not have two fat butts!" Goldilocks denied.
"Yes you do! One down there," Granny pointed to her butt, "and one up there," Granny pointed to her face.
"You go girl!" the creatures cheered.
While the two girls bickered about each other, Humpty Dumpty made his way down the opposite path. He didn't know where he was going but he could only hope it was safely away from the nightmare. BAM! An explosive went off in the direction of where Granny was. Humpty Dumpty shrugged, assuming Granny had just thrown another grenade.
"How did she get all those grenades?" he wondered as he came to a river. The water was flowing lightly down stream, but he didn't know how to swim. He looked for something that could help him cross the water.
"Can I get some help please," Humpty Dumpty asked the intelligent writer. A mini-version of the San Francisco Bridge appeared across the river.
"Too much," Humpty Dumpty said. The bridge disappeared as it was replaced by a small string. "Too little," Humpty Dumpty said as he looked across the dangerous water. Stepping stones appeared across the river.
"Thank you!" Humpty Dumpty yelled before wobbling onto the first stone. He carefully made his way across the stones. While he was on the middle stone a fish swam and jumped up at him, almost knocking him into the water. Humpty Dumpty glanced down and saw that the fish was a young clown fish with a bad fin.
"Can you help me find my dad?" the young fish asked. Humpty Dumpty smiled down as the fish.
"Sure little guy, what does he look like?" he asked, looking around in the water.
"Like me," the fish replied.
"Oh I think I see him," Humpty Dumpty stated.
"Where?" the fish replied happily.
"He's over there by that rock," Humpty Dumpty pointed to the creature swimming near the rock. The fish looked over at the creature and then screamed.
"That's not my dad, that's a shark!" the young fish hid behind the stepping stone. Yes, a shark. What is a shark doing in a river? Because I said so.
"Sure it's your dad," Humpty Dumpty replied to the frightened fish. "I think I know a little bit more about fish than you." Humpty Dumpty picked up the young fish. "Here's your son," he shouted to the shark. The shark turned, saw the fish and smirked. "See, he's happy!" Humpty Dumpty threw the frightened fish to his 'father'. Humpty Dumpty then turned around with tears in his eyes, as the shark caught his 'son' with his sharp teeth in a loving hungry embrace. "I love reuniting families." Humpty Dumpty turned and finished walking to the other side of the river. (I guess there isn't going to be a Finding Nemo sequel)
Humpty Dumpty jogged to the clearing of the forest. He looked up to the light blue sky and saw birds flying high. He smiled at the little birds. The birds saw him and flew over him.
"Oh, oh!" he thought, as the birds dropped a few presents on him. "Ahh!" Humpty Dumpty yelled, ducking for cover. He picked up a rock and threw it, hitting one of the birds in the head. The other birds chirped angrily and flew away.
Crack! Humpty Dumpty swung towards the noise. He saw a blurry figure in the distance running on the path. As he squinted his eyes he realized it was a young girl. "Oh, crap!" he thought. In the forest near the clearing was miss-likes-to-chase-innocent-eggs-a lot, better known as Goldilocks. Humpty Dumpty drew in a sharp breath and searched the field for an exit. "Bingo!" he said as he noticed a brick wall. "I'll just climb up that huge wall, even though I could easily fall and break into a million pieces."
Now remember, Humpty Dumpty has been in the sun for a long time, so his brains are cooked. Ha, ha! Wait, no! Don't take my pen away, I promise no more bad jokes. Whew, sorry readers. Humpty Dumpty began to climb up the large brick wall, just as goldilocks strolled out of the forest.
"You!" she yelled at the egg. She sprinted forward, and reached the bottom of the wall just as Humpty Dumpty reached the top.
"Ha!" Humpty Dumpty yelled at the small girl on the ground.
"Why don't you come down here? I just want to talk!" Goldilocks yelled with a fake smile plastered on her face.
"I wasn't born yesterday!" he yelled back to her.
"Look, we can do this the easy way or," an evil smirk passed over her face as she pulled out a shot gun,"the hard way."
"A shot gun! You have got to be kidding me!" Humpty Dumpty whined. Fine, I'll change it. "Thank you, I mean, it is pretty unrealistic that she would have a shotgun," Humpty Dumpty stated.
Unrealistic! The fact that I gave the little girl a shotgun is what's unrealistic? Not the fact that the old grandmother has a hundred grenades, or the fact that an egg can talk. Nope, the shot gun is what is weird. I'll show you unrealistic.
The shot gun disappeared, while cannon took its place. Goldilocks aimed the cannon at the frightened egg.
"I'm sorry!" the egg pleaded. The cannon disappeared, as a note flew into the young girl's hand. Confused, she began to read the letter out loud.
"To whom this may concern,
The violence in this story is horrible. Grenades, mines, and knifes are just horrifying. From now on this story has to be a peaceful story.
-Sincerely the writer
An awkward silence filled the air. Humpty Dumpty and Goldilocks stared at each other and then glared at the sky. "Will you please come down here? If you don't then-" Goldilocks paused, "I'll verbally assault you!" Humpty Dumpty groaned.
"Come on, this is stupid!" Humpty Dumpty yelled. A bird swung down, knocking into Humpty Dumpty. "Ahh!" he screamed as he fell to the ground. Goldilocks walked over the injured egg. Humpty Dumpty laid on the grass in a million pieces. The king's men trotted over to her and the egg.
"I'll pay you $10,000 to leave him there," Goldilocks held the money out to the men. They glanced at each other and silently agreed to leave the egg. Goldilocks strolled away, humming softly to herself. Just another problem solved by the fine protectors of the city.
A/N Last chapter, a long one. thanks for the reviews and please continue, i want to know if i should sumitt anymore stories. Sorry for the long waits. Also, I'm sorry for switching names from El Eggo to Humpty Dumpty, they are the same egg. When I have time I'll try to fix that. Thank you and bye!