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SON OF “SAMSONITE®”

“You think that wouldn’t get good ratings? In this sick fin’ country?!” Says George Carlin, world famous comedian, in one of his many television specials: Back in Town. He’s right; if you air it, someone will watch it. The United States as a whole has one unbelievable television addiction. If you walk down your street right now, I guarantee you that any house that you see with a car out front will have a television on inside. This wouldn’t be a problem, except that most of the stuff on television is, for lack of a better word, crap. Another George Carlin quote describes it perfectly “Mickey Mouse’s birthday announced on the television news, as if it’s an actual event…no wonder no one takes our country seriously.”

For our solution, we can turn to George Carlin himself. In my opinion, the ideas put forth in Back in Town, which Carlin would use to make money to balance the national budget, would also serve to alleviate the dependence on passive entertainment in this country.

“Naked upside-down crucifixions at half-time of the Monday night football game” is where Carlin starts, and so will we. He claims that “you’d have people who don’t even like football tuning in.” Personally, I think when these types of things begin their television life, they will have a phenomenal amount of viewer-ship. But, they will be like Survivor. Fun for a little while, but when it’s no longer angry idiots starving, I just don’t care anymore. Or in this case, “they kill ‘em the same every week.”

Burning at the stake and boiling in oil, as well as shooting a guy out a catapult right into a brick wall would make a great late-night lineup. Keep the sick-o’s up all

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night, so they won’t go to work and bother the general population. Face it, if you want to watch someone beheaded with an olive fork, you shouldn’t be classified as a “normal human being,” and you sure as hell shouldn’t be handling other people’s food, or looking after a nuclear reactor.

After a few months, all the functioning human beings would, hopefully, stop watching these events. That’s when you cut off regular programming. Just have unbelievably heinous and sickening programming on twenty-four seven. Then you start tracking viewer-ship. You’ll want to keep track of those people that are so addicted to television that they will subject themselves to this depravity, and as a side bonus, you’ve also located the people that actually like to see this kind of programming. This is when you begin the real purification process.

Anyone who still owns a television after these changes have been implemented should be watched. Anyone staying home from work to see someone “cover a guy in brown gravy and then get locked in a room with a wolverine high on angel dust” should, without warning, become the star of his very own, one episode television special.

Through this process, you remove from the gene-pool any human being with a penchant for lethargy, dementia, sociopathy, sadism, passive-entertainment-addiction, masochism, etc., as well as most violent criminals, maniacs, and crazy people, and leave only those who prefer to do, and not to watch. This will, if executed correctly, reduce the number of sick human beings, and, more importantly, abolish television addiction as we know it, with another side benefit: reduced population. Say goodbye to busloads of

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nutter-buters; they’ll all be at home watching someone get beheaded with an olive fork, while us normal people will pave the way for a better tomorrow.