Trying Times

I honestly thought I made the right decision.
I really, truly, did.
And now I just don't know anymore.
On the weekend,
He's the type of person that I could easily fall in love with,
But - at school - it's like he's just one of my guy friends;
Only less-so because I hug them all the time.
Plus, I still have feelings for him.
The other him.
They aren't as strong as they were
Because I don't see or talk to him almost at all now,
Though I wish I did.
But that night at the football game?
I wasn't plotting something;
That wasn't an evil look on my face;
I was trying really hard to hold back tears
Because I miss him.
The other him.
Everyday.
I wonder how pathetic I must sound right now.
My mom already thinks I'm desperate.
Maybe she's right.
Maybe I do let guys walk all over me.
I didn't think that was the case, but maybe it's true.
I just know that I won't live for the weekends,
When he's sweet and kind and affectionate.
I won't be used like the eraser on a #2 pencil;
Wasting away while the rest of me looks fine and healthy,
When – in reality – I’ll be useless within a few days.
I won't stand by while my chances at happiness slip away.
And I won't be his doormat anymore.
I won't.