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Shattered Glass

We had everything. We had the world. Until the world came crashing down. You moved on, but I remained here, frozen in time. We were utterly and completely perfect. I don’t know anymore. Maybe you didn’t move on, but you didn’t stay with me. You weren’t as lost as I was. Ever.

I stared at the phone as if it could solve all of my problems. I knew it couldn’t, but I stared at it anyway. I’d long ago engraved the seven digits that were your phone number into my head, into my heart, but I didn’t know if I could do it. I fingered the numbers on my cordless lovingly, as if it were your very hand that I was caressing.

I did it. I dialed your number. I sighed deeply when your phone started ringing in my ear. I’d never heard a sweeter sound. Then you picked up and said ‘hello’ in the wonderful baritone of yours and I almost cried.

“Hi,” I whispered carefully.

I could almost hear your smile. “Hey. What’re you doing, calling so late? Huh?”

I smiled despite the tears clouding my eyes. “I just wanted to talk. That a crime?”

“Never,” you said. “Never. Everything alright?”

“Yeah,” I started shakily, “fine. Everything’s fine. Why are you whispering?” I asked suddenly, realizing that he wasn’t really… talking, but rather murmuring quietly.

“Oh, right, yeah. My, uh, girlfriend, she’s sleeping,” he answered.

“Ah, yes,” I replied, understanding completely. I chanced a look towards the bedroom where my own boyfriend was sleeping soundly. No worries on my end.

“I’ve missed you, you know,” you said abruptly.

I smiled again. “I had a dream about you,” I confessed.

You laughed. “Me, too. I… sometimes, you know, I wish you and were still…”

The tears fell now. “I know. I do, too.” Oh God, how I wished the same thing. We had it all…

“Why are you crying? Are you sure you’re okay?” you asked, concerned.

“I-I’m fine,” I lied. “I just… I’m fine.”

“You’re lying,” you said. You had always known me better than I knew myself.

“I wouldn’t lie to you,” I insisted, wiping my eyes even as I did so.

“We… we never moved on, did we? Even though we promised…” you said sadly. There was a certain… tone in your voice that told me that we were still very much in love with one another.

“I never did,” I admitted. “I thought I had, but…”

“It’s never easy,” you told me easily. “Sometimes it’s harder to move on than it is to end it.”

“Why did we end it?” I asked for the millionth time. I’d asked him once, I’d asked him so many times why we had truly ended our relationship. It had all been so perfect…

“You aren’t the one… And neither am I. We weren’t meant to be,” you repeated. I’d made you say it so many times that your words were written into my brain and labeled clearly.

“You were the one,” I whispered. “You were for me.”

“No,” you said, sighing. “I was never the one.”

I was sobbing now. I just couldn’t hold it all in anymore. I hung up. I threw the phone against the couch and buried my face in my hands. If you still loved me then why can’t you be the one? You had always had your reasons and I had never once approved of any of them.

The living room suddenly felt cold, freezing even, although it was the middle of July. It was a hot summer so I couldn’t understand why I felt so cold. I rubbed my arms, attempting to warm them up. There was a noise in the bedroom and I looked up. He was up.

I stood up from the couch and made for the door. I didn’t want to see him. He wasn’t the one I wanted. You were. I grabbed my zip up jacket that was sitting on the floor next to the door before leaving. It was chilly for July. I had never remembered a July this cool before. They were always hot and full of longing… Always with you.

The streets were empty as it was nearly three o’clock in the morning. It felt so odd, walking the barren streets without a destination, although I knew where I’d end up. I always ended up at your door when I took walks at night. It reminded me of how we met. On the streets, late at night, heartbroken. We were perfect for each other.

Yet, we weren’t meant to be. Or so you say. I didn’t believe it. I didn’t believe a word that came out of your mouth about us. We both knew it was bullshit, but we never did anything about it. Tears flooded my eyes again as I thought about it. I could bring it up, but you would deny all of it. I don’t think I could take it if you told me that my feelings were misplaced one more time.

And there I was. Your familiar white painted door. It wasn’t glamorous, but it wasn’t in need of another coat of paint either. My fingers brushed over the brass knocker softly, wondering if I should do it or not. I would probably cause another fight between you and your girlfriend if I were to announce my presence. I stepped away, thinking about my feelings again.

I didn’t want them thrown back in my face. I just… I just wanted you. Plain and simple. I blinked back the tears one more time before stepping away from your door. I couldn’t deal with your words, your emotions. They tore me apart. So I backed off.

I went home, where I started mending the shattered pieces of my heart.

And I did it alone.

Owari (end)