His curly hair always looks like snakes and I hate them. Not because they're oily. Not because they're scary. But because I always want to tame them with my achy fingers. I could never touch him, or even talk to him because I know I'd explode if he even breathes near me. That jumping feeling of one's heart? The classic butterfly in the stomach feeling—I just hate how he makes me feel. Always obsessing like a pedophile before his stash of illegal porn—well okay that was a bit extreme. Sometimes my mind does that and I'm a little crazy. But all benign, I swear. I'm not about to go around naked in my neighborhood and knifing every other old lady I see.

Back to snake hair, otherwise known as, Andy.

I've known Andy for a year now—we've been in the same class but I've never had the courage to speak to him or look him in the eye. Only stare from afar like a stalker chick—well not like because I think I really am beginning to be a stalker chick. But what more can I be when I'm Ugly Betty without physical characteristics I can change in a second. Betty could just wax her stupid eyebrows, get a hair cut, go on a diet, and voila she's fabulous.

Me, well let's just put it this way. I'm SUF, short for short, ugly, and fat.

Not a very good heroine right? You're going to stop reading the story right now, eh?

Fine.

But for those of you who are less superficial—well I'm pretty superficial myself—let's move on to the hot juicy details of my life. I'm not really SUF, just a little. I mean I don't have big batty eyes or big bouncy boobs. My hair's not Rapunzel-worthy and I'm not exactly model-material. I'm just a SSAGWFCTWANSA. Are you ready for this? A super-short-Asian-girl-with-flat-chest-thick-waist-and-no-sex-appeal.

My name's Bomee Chan and this is my story. Konnichiwa! I'm not Japanese or Korean. I'm actually Chinese. 'Em Asians all look alike they say. That's not true. But the sad truth is sometimes if we don't speak, we can't tell each other apart either.

Anyhoo…

Back to Andy. Andy Candy. Andy Mandy. Andy my man.

I wish. I'm rushing to the elevator now, five minutes late for class, way out of breath being so deconditioned. It happens after one's stuck in front of a glowing screen 24/7 minus a few hours. First it was the stupid television set. Then it's the stupid computer, then laptop, then something else—technology just moves too fast for me. I love it but who cares.

"Hold it!" I scream and propel myself into the elevator. Lo and behold, staring at me with bemused eyes is Andy Candy Fandy my Mandy. Mmm…