I remember not being sure whether it was worth it to be there after all it was you and I plus all your friends who I didn’t know and horror movies which I hate but I chose to stay and maybe if I hadn’t things might never have changed between us.

I remember being glad that I could sit next to you on the floor and then from there it was simply moments until our shy fingers laced together in the darkness and it was all I could do to keep from bursting with happiness.

I remember hating my father for picking me up at ten after all the movie wasn’t even over and it didn’t seem like you’d be letting go of my hand any time soon.

I remember smiling the whole way home.

-

I remember not being able to find the pennies we stuck on the tracks afterward and panicking because cars could see us so we didn’t stay to find them but maybe we should have maybe it might have changed some things.

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I remember later thinking maybe you might have really kissed me that time.

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I remember the cold hard slap of your silence because before it had always been a smile when you took your place but now it was only a discreet glance in my direction that I was too slow to catch your eye on and then no words and no smiles and I didn’t understand what you were mad about but I think now I know that it was not anger at me but at yourself for what you were going to do.

I remember how long I stayed confused and then how difficult it was to accept the fact that you hadn’t exactly quite moved on yet from her and my mind knows you were trying to keep me from getting hurt but my heart wants to slap you for hurting me.

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I remember almost thinking maybe you had finally moved on and it was my chance now I’d been waiting for it for so long but then you told me you’d call all weekend but you never did and then I felt like one of those girls you despise who is much too obvious when I asked you about it.

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I remember telling my friends not to let me get my hopes up.

I remember thinking that boy is just on the rebound don’t get your hopes up girl you’ll only get hurt don’t assume anything until you’re sure and then I thought I was sure but I guess you weren’t.

I remember wanting so bad to hate her but I’ve never met her and everyone says she’s pretty and funny and cute and likes all the right things like converse and harry potter and jazz music and she’s a lot like me and that kind of thinking doesn’t help me much.

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I remember hating myself for being so vulnerable.

I remember thinking maybe I should just find someone new but
there isn’t anyone.