Chapter 4

So what do we do? Anything. Something. So long as we just don't sit there. If we screw it up, start over. Try something else. If we wait until we've tisfied all the uncertainties, it may be too late. - Lee Iacocca

He was suddenly beside me, but I didn’t remember him sitting down, and his hand was suddenly in the small of my back, and when did he lean in, for suddenly his face was inches from mine, waiting for me to make the next move. He had made his intentions clear, now it was time to make mine.

I took a deep breath, weighing up everything in my head far too quickly, then, confused and shocked, touched my lips gently against his. My arm found its way onto his shoulder, and his other hand was on the back of my neck. This, my first kiss, was perfection.

But it ended all too quickly, the bell rang, and we broke slowly apart. As soon as we broke apart, reality hit me. I had kissed a boy. The new boy. Oh crap. My face flushed deep red, and I stood up abruptly, my heart pounding in my chest.

He stood up too, his face confused, unsure of whether it had been the right thing to do. ‘I’m sorry- was that… wrong?’

My mouth opened, and I hurriedly reassured him otherwise. ‘Oh no! It was wonderful, just… unexpected. I’m- confused, I have to go.’

I fled from the courtyard, leaving Mike alone, and I reached my locker, and found myself face to face with Jess.

‘Where did you go?’

She was leaning casually up against the lockers, one hand on her hip, eyebrow raised.

I blushed again, and opened the locker quickly, not looking at her directly in the eye.

‘Oh, you know- I was showing Mike around. We went to the Science block, and I showed him the courtyard.’

Immediately I knew I had said too much; Jess’ face split into a knowing grin, and she gave a small, excited skip. ‘Oooh!’

I grabbed my books, and slammed the locker shut. ‘Nothing happened, okay?’ Jess, while being extremely well-meaning, had the habit of telling people everything, whether it was wanted or not. The last thing I needed was people knowing I had kissed the new guy within a day of him arriving.

‘Of course it didn’t.’ Said Jess slyly, the bursting into giggles, looking at something over my shoulder. ‘Bye!’

I turned around, and there was Mike, just- standing there. Like nothing had happened. Maybe it hadn’t, and I had just imagined everything, I might have passed out from the heat… or I was dreaming- school mightn’t have even started yet. But- no. It was real, I knew that. You don’t feel what I felt in a dream, you can only feel that when you’re awake.

‘Hey.’ My voice came out as a squeak, and he grinned, not smugly, and it wasn’t self-satisfied, just a grin. He was genuinely happy.

‘Hey. Look, what happened- you’re confused, I get that. I’m not too sure either. How about, we forget it ever happened… get to know each other better? Then we’ll see.’

Oh my god. ‘Wow. Yes, can we? I just need to get my head around it all…’

I trailed off, thrilled that I had been given a chance to catch my breath in the insanity. I tried to give a winning smile, shoving aside (for the moment) all my anxieties and fears.

‘I’d offer to walk you to your next class, but I have no idea where it is. So why don’t you lead the way?’

A laugh escaped my mouth, feeling completely free, happy, for the first time in days, and I offered him my arm.

‘With pleasure.’

---

As soon as I got home, I ran for the phone, glancing at my watch, I realised that he may still be at school, but I shrugged my shoulders and dialled his number. It picked up, and I was greeted by an uncomfortable silence.

‘Hello?’ I asked, uncertain; had I dialled the right number?

I took a deep breath, wanting to hear his voice again, but terrified it would have changed.

‘Hi!’

It hadn’t.

‘What’s wrong with you? Why didn’t you answer?’ I fumed, but fakely. What did it matter – he was still there!

‘Oh- you know. I wanted to hear your reaction. Not as explosive as I would have thought.’ I could feel him smile at the other end, and he continued, ‘Disappointing really, it’s only been three days, and you’ve actually managed to relax.’

I laughed, ‘Because you’re not freaking me out every two seconds any more, yeah, I’d say I would have calmed down! But don’t get me wrong, I’m still annoyed.’

If he were here he would have patted me reassuringly on the head, like one does to a child, saying, ‘Of course you are, dear.’ He still spoke the words, and I could almost see him stretching his fingers, itching to pat me on the head- but that was ridiculous. I was just imagining it, it’s hard to have contact with, but not to see to someone.

‘No- I am! Seriously, where have you been?! I was starting to get worried, that was a brutal conversation we had earlier,’ My voice dripping with sarcasm and fake self-pity, I continued, ‘and I was wondering if you’re now too cool to hang with us, now you’re a Sydney-sider, and I’m just a pathetic girl from Canberra.’

‘Never.’ His voice was serious, which surprised me slightly, until I realised that, of course, he was making fun of me.

‘Gee thanks, makes me feel so much better.’

‘No problem.’ His voice dropped a bit, and he began sheepishly, ‘Yeah… sorry about not calling. Trust me- I wanted to, but I seriously have not had time. The plane landed at about nine the first night, and I didn’t want to get you in too much trouble my first night away… Then I had to get up extra early for the ‘tour of the school’.’ Needless to say, he sounded extremely unhappy with the tour of the school, ‘Waste of time. It would have worked to do that today, but no, the snotty private school has to have it before everyone else arrives… Anyway, school started the next day, and you wouldn’t believe it, they dumped a term worth of work on me, apparently Canberra’s behind in the syllabus, so I was catching up last night.’

He finished his explanation, and I remained silent for a moment or two, absorbing all the information, until, finally, I spoke, ‘Wow. You didn’t have to give that much information. A simple, ‘I was busy’ would do.’

‘Yes- but it’s for you. It needed more.’ Ah Josh, always the comedian.

‘You know sarcasm is the lowest form of wit, Joshua.’

‘You know you use it constantly, Emily.’

I laughed, thinking how little had actually changed, what did it matter if we couldn’t see each other? Something he said finally caught up to me, and I said, in a surprised tone, ‘You’re catching up on homework?’

‘Why do you sound so surprised? I care very much for my marks, thank you very much. Besides, you’re not hear, so how else am I going to learn anything? I might as well try.’

I gave a dry laugh, ‘You’ll do fine. You’re smart, you just pretend otherwise.’

‘I’m not so sure…’

He was always like that, underestimating himself. He was smart, that’s how he’d managed to get into one of Sydney’s best schools, but he just didn’t like to admit it. Modesty, some would call it, I call it stupidity. Sometimes it’s as though there are two Josh’s, the joking, playful, best friend, and the straight A model student. I loved both, so that wasn’t the issue- Josh just felt that way.

‘So- apart from the homework, which you’ll do easily, how’s the new school doing?’

He might have shrugged, but you can never be too sure, ‘Alright I guess. The teachers are great, they actually mange to teach you something, mostly, and people are nice. That’s what comes with being new. Oh, you’ll love this, they got the prettiest girl with the best marks to show me around.’

My heart sunk as my day came back to me; I suppose I was secretly hoping it wouldn’t come up, and I wouldn’t have to mention it. I decided to opt with the generic response: anger.

‘Shut up! You knew Bucky was going to get me to show someone around! Honestly, if you were here, I would-‘

‘Chop me up into tiny pieces and eat my brain, yes, I know. And so what if I knew, but I’m still not lying. So who’s the new kid?’

‘Mike.’

‘Mike?’

That’s just what I said. Ah. I wasn’t even sure if I wanted Josh to like him, I mean, he could be my future boyfriend or something, surely it would help… but even so, I wasn’t sure how I felt about him yet, so I decided to stick with the truth.

‘He cooks.’

I could hear a suppressed laugh over the phone, and I continued.

‘He watches Shady Corners.’

The laugh finally exploded, and Josh managed to utter, ‘And you’re sure he’s actually a person? Not an imaginary friend you’ve invented in my absence?’

Now I actually was annoyed, ‘Hey! He’s real. One hundred percent real, thank you very much! And he’s a great person- one of the few people left in Canberra who I actually like!’

‘Oh, sorry,’ He sounded it too, realising he’d hit a nerve, ‘I didn’t realise you actually like the guy.’

‘Neither did I.’ It just came out, I didn’t plan it that way, it just did. Maybe I did like him after all… But in what way?

It was silent for a moment or two, a rarity in our friendship. Eventually though, it was filled with Josh asking, hesitantly, ‘So he’s nice?’

I was slightly defensive as I answered, ‘Yes. I showed him around today, he took great pleasure in the Make-Out corner, and Slut School.’

Josh laughed, though I thought I could detect a slight strain. ‘Good, glad to see you’re making friends.’

I laughed, for real this time, ‘Who are you, my mother? But thank you, it’s good fun.’

I felt his eyebrow raise down the phoneline, and he asked, somewhat suspiciously, ‘What is? Making friends?’

I coughed, it seemed like a good thing to do at the time, ‘Yeah… and…. Other- stuff.’

‘Really?’ He wolf-whistled down the phone, and I gave a small laugh, ‘Don’t tease.’

‘Oh- I won’t, I promise.’ There was a pause, where he was probably deciding the best way to torture me. ‘So were you going at it in the Science Courtyard?’

‘You promised!’

‘That’s it, I swear! Just give me one.’

I sighed, trying to figure out whether he was happy or… not happy for me. ‘Fine, one. So you’re okay with it? Doesn’t feel weird?’

There was a thump, which I assumed was him sitting down, and he replied casually, ‘No. Should it? I glad you kissed a guy. Give something for you and Katy to talk about. Besides, I’m a wanted man in Sydney. Apart from the constant cry of ‘Canberra’s a hole, Canberra’s a hole’, I’m ‘desirable’, that’s what Samantha told me.’

I couldn’t help it, I burst out laughing, Josh, desirable? Please. I may like him, but he is a bit dorky; Katy once looked at him, and then told me just how bored she was of the guys at our school.

‘Don’t laugh!’ He cried, imitating my voice, ‘It’s not that big a deal. It’s actually pretty exciting.’

‘Really?’

‘Sure, why not? It’s a great attention seeker, being ‘desirable’.’ And then he laughed.

Down the phone line I heard a deep, male voice yell, and Josh reply, ‘Coming!’

No… My heart sank again, and I said, pleadingly, ‘Do you have to go?’

‘Sadly yes. But don’t worry, we’ll talk later. I need to build up my biceps, try to impress the ladies with my guns.’

‘You are insane.’

‘Quite probably, even so, I have to go.’

‘Fine,’ I grumbled, ‘Go then, see if I care.’

‘Oh, you will. Even so- talk to you later?’

‘That better not be a question.’

‘No,’ He agreed, ‘It’s not.’

And he hung up.