How to Tell Your New Boyfriend is a Crazy Stalker

-For Sis.

As I have mentioned frequently at the various galas I attend, hobnobbing with the hoi-poloi, I consider myself to be a connoisseur of both horrible taste in boyfriends as well as smoothies. Setting aside the latter, we turn to the former. In evaluating a boyfriend, one of the first criteria that always springs to my mind is: "Is this young man whacked out of his gourd?" Now, making such a determination, with my powers of infinite observation, seems to be a rather simple task. And yet, I find myself bombarded almost daily with a host of young women who cannot make the simple distinction between "normal, well-adjusted young man" and "crazy mofo." Ergo, as a public service, I would like to educate you all on the art of determining if your boyfriend is, in fact, criminally insane.

While the symptoms of “crazy-itis" can manifest themselves at different stages in a relationship, the earliest warning signs can be glimpsed in the appearance of the potential young suitor. Therefore, as you go out on your first date with you potential par-amour (or better yet, before even agreeing to the rendezvous!), ask yourself these simple questions:

1. WHY THE FUCK IS HE WEARING MAKEUP? Answer: He’s crazy. Or at least, very maladjusted. While many may claim it as a fashion statement or a simple sign of being in touch with one’s feminine side, the simple truth is that men wearing heavy makeup are either actors, homosexuals, or lunatics; all of which, you will kindly note, are not good life-partner material.

2. WHY DOES HE KEEP PLAYING WITH THAT ZIPPO? Smell something burning? If you date a pyro, it might just be your dog / bed / house / wax recreation of Roger Moore’s head. Don’t date pyro’s, ladies, “lighting your bed on fire” is more than a crude double-entendre.

3. IS THAT A METH LAB IN YOUR BASEMENT OR A…? No. It’s a meth lab. And, in addition to being illegal, drugs have a variety of side effects. The least of which not being turning an ordinarily sentient person into what can best be described by the technical, scientific term “drugged-out dirty hippie of a lunatic.” If he’s on drugs, if you think he’s on drugs, or if you’ve heard he’s on drugs, things are not going to end well. And by “not end well” I mean “with a kitchen knife through your lower sternum.”

So there you have it, three simple rules to educate you, gentle reader. Read them. Know them. Practice them. And you too can avoid having a Jack-the-Ripper style relationship! Good luck, and watch out for the burning effigy at the door.