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The Key Element of “Schlock”

The Purpose: The purpose of this highly important essay is to help the writer understand the highly important and lucrative concept of “schlock”. “Schlock” is henceforth to be defined as any length of fictional writing that wholeheartedly and seriously presents a distorted and/or fundamentally skewed view of the human condition. However, one may best define “schlock” through the use of highly important practical examples. Through several such examples, I, the highly important essayist, will present the various forms that “schlock” may take, and will ultimately display the main underlying characteristic that is so essential to “schlock” that it in fact makes “schlock” “schlock”.

First, I will describe a fertile scenario by which the seeds of all species of “schlock” might thrive. From there, I will summarize the different directions a story might take in order to become “schlock”, besides including one example of the dangerous way by which the piece might become “not schlock”.

The Scenario:

There is an intersection in the middle of town where once, on a chilly autumn night, Harassed And Frustrated High School Freshman Girl (henceforth called Katey) threw herself in front of a car driven two of her intoxicated and suicide urging male tormentors. They, naturally, ran her down. This landed them both in a load of trouble, which proved the effectiveness of Katey’s ultimate revenge: she, by responding to their taunts and committing suicide, gave them something to be eternally guilty about.

Eight years later, the driver of the car, (henceforth unnamed, for a truly piece of “schlock” would totally ignore a character who is not physically or spiritually present), is either dead or still jailed. The passenger, Shattered Minded and Eternally Guilty Twenty-Something Guy (henceforth called Ian), still lives and is feeling eternally guilty. He has taken to walking around the site of Katey’s death on chilly autumn nights, stewing in his eternal guilt.

We add to this situation several current high school students of varying ages: Slightly Stormy Natured But Morally Upstanding Self-Insertion Girl (henceforth Candace), her estranged best friend Perky Attractive And Kind-Natured Girl (henceforth Ellen), Painfully Shy Yet Sensitive And Intuitive Girl (henceforth Rachael), Outwardly Social Yet Extremely Insecure Girl (henceforth Gracie), and Gender Balance Guy (henceforth Blake).

Note that Candace and Ellen, both seniors, are extremely bitter toward one another, and that Rachael and Gracie, both freshmen, are likewise subject to mutual hatred. Blake is too weird to really feel anything toward anyone else. Everyone, for one reason or another, have taken to wandering Katey’s deadly intersection on chilly autumn nights.

From here, I will explore all possible “schlock” possibilities:

Possibility “A”: Horror “Schlock”

Katey’s ghost violently slaughters nearly everybody, starting with Ian and ending with Rachael, who almost lives because she was like Katey in life. Candace, being the author’s self-insertion character (or “alter-ego”), survives in order to star in other pieces of horror “schlock”. It is interesting to note that Gracie, especially despised by Katey, dies a particularly horrible death. It is also interesting to note that all of your characters, including Katey, grow frustrated and leave the story before you can finish it. Ultimately your novel is forced to rely on lame stock characters.

Possibility “B”: Romance “Schlock”

Candace and Ian meet up one chilly autumn night and soon begin a regular habit of having hot, raunchy, descriptive sex by the side of the road (which is okay, because he’s only four years older than she is). Ellen soon joins in on the action, as do Gracie and Blake. Katey becomes enraged at this blatant public display of affection, and like any self-respecting villainess, grows determined to have vengeance. One night she possesses Candace and has hot, raunchy, descriptive sex with Ian before trying to kill both him and others in the group. They are saved by Rachael’s power of virginity, which she loses to Blake shortly after Katey’s vengeful spirit is cast out from the intersection.

Unfortunately while you are writing this story you come across several obstacles, most of which are rooted in the stubborn and non-flexible natures of your characters. You discover that Candace is far too morally upstanding to have premarital sex and that Ian’s mind is exclusively occupied with issues besides lust. Not only that, but Ellen is chock full of homespun values, Rachael is terrified at the prospect of intercourse, and Katey is more concerned with her own need for redemption than with vengeance on public love makers. Because Blake is too weird to have sex, the only character who’s willing to go along with your plot is Gracie, who grows frustrated and leaves the story because there’s no one left to have sex with.

Eventually all the characters follow Gracie’s course of action. Ultimately your novel is forced to rely on lame stock characters.

Possibility “C”: Fantasy “Schlock”

Katey’s ghost turns out to be an emissary from the Land of Wherever. She has come to tell the other characters of their destiny to destroy some random Evil Force that’s wreaking complicated havoc back at home. They agree to go with her, and by using lots of swords and sorcery they almost fulfill their sanctioned purpose. However, when it comes time for someone to sacrifice themselves for the cause, your characters realize that none of them want to give their lives for such a worn out plot. Everyone grows frustrated and leaves the story. Ultimately your novel is forced to rely on lame stock characters.

Possibility “D”: Science Fiction “Schlock”

Exactly the same as Possibility “C”, except Katey is from the six billionth dimension and everyone fights the Evil Force with obscenely complicated science instead of swords and sorcery. This, however, is of no effect, because the characters will leave the story no matter what.

Possibility “E”: Thomas Wolfe “Schlock”

You base the town where the intersection is on your home town, and make all your characters into unflattering portraits of specific people who live there. Conversely, you portray yourself as a sappily sensitive hero who’s depressed because he’s so much smarter than everyone else.

When your book is published, the slighted people in your town get angry. For this reason your original characters, who stuck out the first book, get frustrated and leave before you can write another book complaining about how everyone’s mad at you now. Thus, you come up with another set of characters and use them to populate said second book. While none of these are stock characters per se, they fill the same purpose as they are also lame and uncreative.

Inexplicably, the literary world loves both of your books and deems them classics. Rarely does “schlock” ever receive such an honor.

Possibility “F”: Fundamentalist “Schlock”

Katey is a demonic presence summoned by Blake (who, due to his tendency to Make Waves and be generally Weird, is of course a Satan worshipper). Gracie, because she is an Insecure Popular Girl, becomes interested in Blake’s dealings. Ellen is likewise evil, because she is so concerned with Worldly Things, such as clothes, friends, and school. Ian is still guilty and miserable and Turned Away From God, but remains redeemable. Candace serves as his force of redemption: she brings him the Power of Jesus, which draws him from his emotional hole. They get married after Candace finishes college, and they never kiss until their wedding day. Meanwhile, Rachael uses her Power of Jesus to defeat Katey, Blake, Gracie, and Ellen, because miserable high school kids who get mixed up in bad stuff are naturally Unsaveable. Katey’s ghost is expelled from the intersection (the word “exorcised” is far too Catholic for such a Christian story), but the fate of the other three remains uncertain. This story inspires you to write two new Fundamentalist “Schlock” series’. One will make use of Candace’s diaries from her high school years and through to her marriage, because these are such a Realistic Portrayal of the Daily Struggles of All Christian Teens. The second will chronicle Rachael’s continued battles in Spiritual Warfare.

Once again, you run into objections from your characters. The fact that some of them have conflicts with your theology is a minor obstacle that can be easily overcome through compromise, but there remain some unsolvable issues. For instance, Rachael informs you that her definition of Spiritual Warfare is quite different from yours, and Candace refuses to share her diaries with you, arguing that not all Christian Teens face the same Daily Struggles as she does. Ellen does not believe that God minds her living a normal and happy life. Blake and Gracie are insulted and disgusted at the idea of toying with supernatural evil, Katey is far from demonic, and Ian, while attracted to the idea of being redeemed by Candace’s faith, is in no mood to get married. Everyone becomes frustrated and leaves the story. Ultimately your novel (and/or series) is forced to rely on lame stock characters.

Possibility “G”: Postmodern “Schlock”

Possibility “B” as told through the remarkably perceptive eyes of a piece of sidewalk gravel at the intersection. In this case, however, your WASPy bourgeois characters are too grounded in the oppressive constructs of sensible storytelling to comprehend your so-called purpose of release through the casting off of limiting societal mores such as the desire to have sex in a private place. For this reason, as well as those stated in Possibility “B”, everyone, including your new narrator, grows frustrated and leaves the story. Ultimately your densely powerful social treatise is forced to rely on lame stock characters.

Possibility “H”: Inspirational “Schlock”

Everyone meets by chance at the intersection one night. While Katey’s spirit is not tangible, the other characters can feel her benevolent and encouraging presence as they discuss their problems. The conversation becomes more and more heated and more and more emotion is revealed. People get angsty and start to yell a lot. More than one character cries. It’s prime material for a speech and drama team piece, but that’s beside the point. The point is that eventually everyone proceeds to find and rejoice in their true inner selves, meanwhile embarking on a beautiful spiritual journey to find peace, wellness, and balanced souls. After the first meeting, your novel begins to read like super-concentrated Chicken Soup.

All of the characters, except Blake, think your idea for the first meeting is crap. Blake, while firmly believing in chance meetings, hates Chicken Soup. Everyone becomes frustrated and leaves. Ultimately your novel is forced to rely on lame stock characters.

I have now thoroughly covered the different possibilities of “schlock” that can be developed from one initial scenario. However, it is also important to recognize the exceedingly risky possibility of a novel not becoming “schlock”. Fortunately, this does not happen often: writing a piece that is not “schlock” is difficult. But the reader will recognize that a piece that is not “schlock” lacks one key element of a piece that is. Examine the next possibility closely:

Possibility “H”: Not “Schlock”

Katey is from the third dimension of Earth. She is not demonic. She is searching for redemption, not vengeance, and she has no desire to kill anyone. Her presence is real and somewhat tangible, but she does not always display it.

The real story begins when Candace meets Ian one night while she’s walking her dog and he’s pacing the intersection. They talk, and soon strike up a friendship. Every so often they’ll meet one another by chance, and gradually she’ll discover more and more about his past. The final discovery, of Ian’s role in Katey’s death, calls into question Candace’s vengeful outlook on the classmates who bullied her when she was younger. She desperately wants to redeem Ian, and brings in her Christian faith to aid her. Candace and Ian will kiss each other on the roadside one night, but they will not have sex nor get married. In fact, toward the end of the book Candace will break off any liaison with Ian in favor of a parent-like relationship to the suffering Rachael.

Meanwhile, Blake, knowing the story of the intersection, has taken to searching for Katey’s spirit or presence, a pastime which quells the misery of his daily life. Rachael, whose current situation is similar to what Katey’s role in life was, likewise feels a connection to Katey and is constantly seeking out for her.

Rachael reminds Candace of a younger version of herself, and Ellen feels the same way about Gracie. This relationship will aid in the redemption of all four, but it is not clear how.

Actually, not much of the plot is clear, but a positive ending is in store. Ellen will take good care of Gracie and Blake, and Katey’s wandering soul will eventually take the next step, which some characters believe involves facing God’s judgment.

The story will concern the themes of redemption, faith, and the possibility of using the present to wash away the past. Although the exact plot is still quite hazy, your characters are intrigued. Everyone is satisfied and agrees to stay on. You are forced leave the lame stock characters for luckier “schlock” writers to use.

Upon careful examination, it becomes apparent that the highly important genre of “schlock” cannot be properly executed if any well developed characters are present. Note that any of the aforementioned “schlock” genres can easily become “not schlock” if good characters are added.

Thus, this essay proves that “schlock” is in danger of being massacred by sympathetic and humanoid characters. We must purge such characters from our writing, and rely on lame stock characters alone if we wish the highly important and lucrative concept of “schlock” to survive!