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A/N: Okay so the prompt was I had to write a parody on my creative writing class, some of the stuff mentioned in here is only funny to the class, but I still think you’ll get some of the humor. I just hope I don’t piss off anyone in my class!

Grapefruit, Weddings, Bombs and Baseball! How Typical!

Looking at the tall factory-like building that is Agricultural High School, most people would assume that the school is a typical one, with its typical students and teachers and classes. As in many cases these people would be wrong.

Agricultural High School is anything but typical, for example Mr. Tea’s fourth period creative writing class. Today and today only, I will allow you to look on at a “typical” day for this class and you’ll quickly grasp my point when I say that typical for these people are not typical for most.

Our “typical day” starts strangely at Agricultural Middle school with a Lolan Hobb. Everyday at exactly 1:55 p.m. Lolan sneaks out of his classes for the day and into Mr. Tea’s fourth period class. He’s been doing this everyday since the start of school and no one has yet to wonder why he’s in a high school class. Maybe it’s because Lolan’s so quiet at the middle school that none of his teachers or schoolmates notice when he’s missing, perhaps it’s because he’s never cause any trouble at the high school, or possibly it’s because Lolan Hobb is eight feet tall and has the deepest voice anyone at Agricultural High has ever heard (and I think this is the real reason, but what do I know I’m just narrating this stupid story for you.) No one would look at Lolan and believe that he is a twelve year old boy.

Why Lolan sneaks out of the middle school everyday and into the high school is anyone’s guess. I’m quite sure that Lolan himself doesn’t even know why he does it. Lolan doesn’t even like writing, much less creative writing and he doesn’t like many of the students in the class. Maybe it’s because at the high school people don’t stare at him because of his height as much as the middle schoolers do, perhaps it’s because Lolan likes being a rebel and sneaking out of class everyday, or possibly it’s because Lolan likes the fact that with so many crazy students in the class room no one pays him any kind of special attention, which is what Lolan wants.

So like any typical day, Lolan sneaks over to the high school and into the open window of Mr. Tea’s classroom (what’s he going to do when it becomes too cold for the window to be opened is anyone’s guess) and smacks his head against the top of the window, just like he does every day since the first day of school.

“Damn, I need to start remembering to move my head.” Lolan says to an empty classroom and rubs his tender head.

The second person to arrive is Megadeth who throws her books near her desk and starts moving her body in sporadic motions and thrashing her head all around causing her long black hair to flare around her face and body.

Lolan looks at Megadeth with concern.

“Uh, Megadeth?” He asks watching her as she stops shaking and turns her body towards him.

“What?” She looks impatient.

“You okay?”

“I’m fine, why wouldn’t I be?! You know just because I dress in all black doesn’t mean I’m goth and even if I was, which I am NOT, it doesn’t mean I’m sad or depressed. Stop stereotyping people all the time! I’m so much more than the “gothic chick” that everyone thinks of me as. I have dreams and ideas and desires just like you, why can’t you see that?! Why can’t anyone see past the black and get to know me as a person and not as a stupid stereotype? No one understands.”

By the time Megadeth’s daily ‘I’m not goth, stop judging me’ speech was over several students had entered the classroom and were staring at her wondering who had set her off today.

“I only asked because I thought you had had a seizure, you know with the sporadic movements and stuff.” Lolan said, his head starting to ache from both hitting it on the window and Megadeth’s rant, “Sorry if I offended you or anything.”

“I was dancing, but I guess that’s too hard for you to believe since I’m such a depressed goth. No one like me could ever do something as carefree and fun as dance, no people like me sit around and drink goat blood and howl at the moon. But you know what? There aren’t other people like me because I am Megadeth Court and I am unique and an individual and I like to dance in the middle of a classroom.”

“It’s been noted”, Lolan said sitting down.

Zukia, the girl sitting in the desk next to him rolled her eyes and said “You are one dumb ass white boy, you know that?”

“What’d I do now?”

“Why did you even talk to Megadeth in the first place? You know the first thing she does everyday is holler at all of us for saying she’s goth, when in fact I don’t think I’ve ever heard anyone in here or anywhere else say she’s goth, but what do I know, I just sit and eat in school everyday until it’s time for me to go home, where I sit and eat.”Just as she said that she crammed a big chocolate chip cookie in her mouth. Lolan sniffed the air smelling the sweet scent of the cookie and began to grow hungry.

“Can I have one?” Lolan asks looking at one of the cookies with hunger.

“Nope.” Zukia stuffs another cookie in her mouth.

“Why not?”

“Because you’re the reason why I had to sit through the crazy white girl rant yet again.”

“Please Zukia, you never let me have any of your food and you always have plenty.”

“Get your own food; I’m sure your white mama would bake you cookies if you asked her to. Speaking of food I ordered some pizza from Pizza Hut in my last class and they should be delivering it to the window any minute. Now be a good boy and give them the money for me.” Zukia said, handing Lolan twenty dollars, “and you better give me all my change back.”

“Will you let me have some?” Lolan said, the pang of hunger becoming stronger by the minute.

“No.”

“Well then, I won’t give them the money.”

“Boy, I’m gonna smack you so hard upside your head that-“

“-Zukia leave Lolan alone and stop being so threatening” Mr. Tea interrupted “I haven’t sent anyone in this class to choice all year and I’d hate for you to have to be the first. I’m trying to save that honor for D’Emanuel”

“Yes Mr. Tea.” Zukia said, glaring at Lolan while Lolan stuck his tongue out at her.

Hogan Court (no relation to Megadeth), the boy who sleeps in the desk behind of Lolan jumped out of his desk as if acid was suddenly poured on it and shouted “ I am not asleep.” He then fell back into his desk and was snoring within seconds.

“Of course you’re not,” Mr. Tea said rolling his eyes, “you just do a great simulation of a freight train.”

Just then, body builder and world class surfer, Ms. Grapefruit, Agricultural High School’s principal and extreme sports and stunts enthusiast, Mr. Carver, the assistant principal barged into the classroom.

“Mr. Tea can we speak with you in the hallway?” Ms. Grapefruit asked smiling a smile that said ‘do it or I’ll crush your bones’.

Mr. Tea, not really having a choice got up from his desk and followed Ms. Grapefruit and Mr. Carver out into the hall, shutting the door with a firm ‘thump’.

After a long moment of awkward silence Mr. Tea cleared his throat and said “you wanted a word with me?”

“It has come to our attention that someone, someone in your class is plotting to destroy your fourth period class.” Ms. Grapefruit said “They have chosen to make it a not so great day.”

“And how have you gotten this information?” Mr. Tea asked.

“Classified” Ms. Grapefruit and Mr. Carver said in unison.

“Well do you know how they plan on “destroying” us, as you said Ms. Grapefruit?” Mr. Tea asked, folding his arms.

“My guess would be a bomb.” Mr. Carver said “So I wouldn’t worry too much.”

“A bomb? You’re telling me not to worry about a bomb?! Why are you telling me not to worry? A bomb seems like something to worry about.” Mr. Tea said his blue eyes flashing.

“Oh bombs are nothing, when I was a kid I used to build bombs in my basement and eat them and then have them explode inside of me.” Mr. Carver said rubbing his stomach. “Now that was extreme. The only reason I stopped was because the bombs gave me such bad heartburn when I got older, but man do I miss it.” Mr. Carver was now rubbing a hand over his heart with a look of nostalgia spread across his face.

“Um…great, but you see for most people, including me, bombs don’t just give them bad heart burn, bombs usually blow people up in tiny bits” Mr. Tea said.

“Well at least it’ll be fast.” Ms. Grapefruit said as if this was a reasonable thing to say. “But I wouldn’t worry too much; we’re investigating and have a nice lead”

“Oh really what’s that?”

“Classified” Ms. Grapefruit and Mr. Carver again said in unison.

“So basically you brought me into the hall to inform me there is a possibility that I could be blown up but not to worry?”

“I think you’ve summed up our intentions very well” Ms. Grapefruit said “oh and by the way, we’re going to cut the investigation short for today, I have a surfing competition and Mr. Carver is planning on jumping out of a plane”

“EXTREME!” Mr. Carver said throwing his fist up into the air.

“Extreme?! You’ve already broken nine bones this year.” Mr. Tea said looking at the various casts on Mr. Carver’s body.

“That’s just part of the lifestyle.” Mr. Carver said shrugging his shoulders.

Meanwhile, back in the classroom, Zukia was interested in knowing what was going on outside in the hallway with Mr. Tea and the head honchos of the school.

“Sherry Seth, go look into the window pane in the door and see if you can read their lips.” Zukia said taking a bite into her pizza.

“If I do can I have a breadstick?” Sherry Seth asked.

“No, now look.” Zukia said motioning toward the door.

“Why can’t you do it?” Sherry Seth asked.

“I’m eating.” Zukia said with pizza in her mouth.

“Well, why do I have to do it?” Sherry Seth asked walking over to the door and looking into the window pane.

“Because you’re the closest to the door.” Zukia said “That and she’s stupid enough to listen to me.” The last comment was directed at Trace who was wiping her desk clean with Clorox disinfectant wipes.

“Oh my gosh! Mr. Carver and Ms. Grapefruit are in love! And they want Mr. Tea to come to their wedding!” Sherry Seth said.

“Are you sure that’s what they’re saying?” Bethany, the only practical one asked.

“Um duh!” Sherry Seth said “I always knew they were secretly in love! Oh how cute, Mr. Carver has his hand on his heart and is looking lovingly into Ms. Grapefruit’s eyes.”

“Ew.” Zukia said scrunching up her nose. “I wonder what they’re kids will look like.”

“Oh, they’ll have a beautiful inter-racial extreme sports playing, surfing champion baby.” Sherry Seth said.

“They should get married at a ball park.” Dustin said “Nothing is more romantic than baseball.”

“I disagree.” Bethany said “Everything is more romantic than baseball. Dang it!”

“Name one thing.” Dustin said.

“Dying. Nothing could ever be so romantic as to lay down and have your last gasping breath of air and know that you’ll never see the world again.” Megadeth said.

“Dang it Dustin! You win! Baseball is more romantic than dying” Bethany said. Megadeth gave her a cold look and Bethany winked at her, earning a glare from Megadeth.

“Well actually if you think about it dying is a part of life and baseball is life and life is baseball so therefore dying is a part of baseball and dying could be conceived to be the same thing as baseball really.” Dustin said.

“Wow that was deep.” Sherry Seth said nodding her head with her mouth open “I don’t get it, but it was obviously deep.”

“Well, that’s just how I roll.” Dustin said nodding.

“Dang it! He’s right” Bethany said slowly nodding too.

“Do you hear them fools over there, Trace? Talking about Mr. Carver and Ms. Grapefruit getting married at a ballpark and dying! What morons.” Zukia said laughing and spraying chewed up pizza from her mouth onto Trace’s newly cleaned desk.

“Why did you do that?!” Trace asked turning to Zukia with a crazed look in her eye.

“Get over it girl.” Zukia said rolling her eyes “It’s not that big of deal, just wipe it of and everything will be fine.”

“No, everything won’t be fine, this desk is now crawling with germs and the germs are now multiplying by the second and are crawling all over me! Oh God there are germs everywhere, attacking every surface of the room and my body. Where’s my cleaning bag?! I need to hurry and disinfect everything before it’s too late and the germs take over my body!”

Trace found her ‘cleaning bag’, in which she carried everything and that had multiple cleaning supplies and disinfectants. Trace started spraying cleaning solution on her desk and the surrounding desks.

“I need to stop the spread of these germs.” Trace said looking at Zukia.

“Trace, calm down” Zukia said dipping her cheese stick in sauce.

“Calm down? Calm down?! You’re telling me to calm down?! I’m trying to save not only my life, but yours as well.” Trace said scrubbing her desk.

“Girl, it’s my germs, how could my germs hurt me?” Zukia said rolling her eyes and grabbing another cheese stick.

“You don’t get it do you?! Germs mutate into other germs and those germs mutate and multiply and pretty soon we’re drowning in killer mutated germs! Thanks to you we’re all going to DIE!” Trace said spraying her desk with disinfectant for the third time.

“Girl you are talking crazy.” Zukia said laughing as Trace started scrubbing the desk around them. “You really need to chill out with the cleaning, everything is gonna be fine! You’ve killed all the germs.”

“Ha! I wish I could kill all the germs, but nooo, there’s always going to be germs, just waiting to pounce, waiting to kill us all with their sickness, how come no one realizes that we’re all going to die one day because of germs?! Forget terrorists, and cancer and nuclear war, our number one enemy is germs!” Trace said her hair was starting to come out of its neat pony tail and some of the loose strands were falling in her face, helping to enhance her psychotic look at the moment.

“Um…okay, I think I’m gonna you know, go sit with Ida East for a while, let you do your cleaning thing.” Zukia said smiling at Trace, grabbing her food and running over to Ida East’s desk.

“Yeah, that’s a good idea, that way I’ll be able to clean even better with you not sitting in that desk, that’s a perfect plan! PERFECT!” Trace said spraying more cleaner.

Mr. Tea, after agreeing not to discuss the possible threat of a bomb to his class, left Mr. Carver and Ms. Grapefruit out in the hallway and came back into the classroom. As soon as he walked in, Sherry Seth caught his arm.

“Ohhhh Mr. Tea, when’s the wedding?!” Sherry Seth asked

“Uhm, huh?” Mr. Tea asked looking confused.

“Mr. Tea, its okay, we already know about the wedding, while you and Mr. Carver and Ms. Grapefruit were out in the hallway, I was kind of spying on you. I can read lips very well you know.” Sherry Seth said moving her arms about in dramatic hand gestures.

“You can? Well, they said don’t worry, so I hope you’re not scared or anything” Mr. Tea said

“Why would anyone worry? I think it’s magnificent, I always knew that this would happen some day, isn’t it romantic Mr. Tea?” Sherry Seth said in a dreamy voice.

“Romantic?! I’d hardly call it romantic, terrifying more like it, although Mr. Carver did say he ate them when he was younger, so maybe they aren’t as bad as the news likes to project.” Mr. Tea said scratching his head.

“Huh? Ate what? And what’s terrifying? Are you only saying its terrifying because they’re an inter-racial couple, I thought you were more open-minded then that.” Sherry Seth said frowning.

“Huh? What are you talking about?”

“I’m talking about Mr. Carver and Ms. Grapefruit getting married, what are you talking about?” Sherry Seth looked confused, as did Mr. Tea.

“Um, Sherry Seth I think you should work on your lip reading skills.” Mr. Tea said starting to laugh as he realized the confusion.

“So are you saying Mr. Carver and Ms. Grapefruit aren’t in love and aren’t getting married?!” Sherry Seth looked disappointed.

“Not that I’m aware of.” Mr. Tea said still laughing.

“I wanted to sing at the wedding too.” Sherry Seth said

“Well, thank God we were all spared from that.” Bethany said

“Yeah, well, that means no free cake for you.” Sherry Seth said

“DANG IT!” Bethany said

“Here comes the bride, fair, fat and wide. Here comes the groom skinny as a broom. Here comes the Usher the old toilet flusher!” Sherry Seth started to sing.

“Ugh, spare us all.” Megadeth glared

“Why can’t she sing a baseball song? That’d sound nice.” Dustin said

“Take me out to the ball gaaammme! Take me out to the crooooowwdd!” Sherry Seth started singing

“Okay…never mind, she almost ruined baseball for me.” Dustin said.

“Oh my God Ida East, why are we in a classroom with these morons?!” Zukia asked “We’re way too cool to be in here…well you, me and Dimber, she’s cool just because she dates Gordon, the superstar athlete of the school. We’re cool all on our own.”

“Thanks Zukia!” Ida East said “You know I didn’t think you really liked me all that much, so to hear you call me cool really makes me happy.” Ida East said smiling.

“Oh spare me the sappiness Ida East, I had to choose between talking to you or D’Emanuel and you won out just because all D’Emanuel wants to do is stalk Sherry Seth, or talk to Sherry Seth or talk about Sherry Seth.” Zukia said biting into a cinnamon stick “Want one?”

“I don’t like D’Emanuel all that much; he throws rocks at me and calls me a cracker! Do I look like a saltine to you? And oh my gosh, you’re offering me food?! This is so much more than you wanting someone normal to talk to; you want us to be best friends don’t you?!”

“Okay forget I asked, geeze. Why do you have to get all sappy all the time?!” Zukia said taking the cinnamon stick from Ida East and getting up to move.

“Wait Zu Zu! Don’t leave!” Ida East said.

“Zu Zu?!” Zukia said.

“That’s my best friend nickname for you!” Ida East said.

“Uh…I think I’m gonna go sit with D’Emanuel after all.” Zukia said.

“Wait Zu Zu don’t go!” Ida East said standing up but then falling over. Ida East has always had a slight problem with balance. Maybe it’s because she has long legs and she doesn’t know how to control them, perhaps it’s because her parents never taught her to balance herself as a child, or it could possibly be because of the fact that her head is three times the size of a normal person and it’s always weighing her down.

“Bye Ida East! See ya later!” Zukia said rushing away with her food in hand.

Ida East, seeing that it’s no use to follow Zukia decides to go over and sit with Dimber, who looked pretty lonely all by herself.

“Hey Dimber!” Ida East said steadying her head.

“Hey Ida East!” Dimber said hugging her thick white puffy coat to her body.

“I like you’re jacket, it’s so cute!” Ida East said “Mind if I try it on? I want to see how I look in a puffy coat before I buy one.”

“Actually I do mind…sorry, it’s just that it’s really cold in here.” Dimber said

“Oh, it’s no biggie!” Ida East said smiling “Do you think I’m sappy and annoying?”

“No…why?” Dimber asked twirling her blonde hair.

“It’s just that Zukia said I was always too sappy and that it really annoyed her and that I read too much into people’s actions. But I mean she offered me food and she offers no one else food so I thought that was like a token of our best friendship or something, you know what I mean but no apparently I’m just a big freak whose too sappy! I just don’t get her sometimes, you know?” Ida East said.

“Yeah, I wouldn’t worry about it too much, you’re a sweet girl and obviously someone like her just wouldn’t understand sweetness.” Dimber said.

“She’s so mean though, she’s going to make me cry one day and when she does she’ll feel really bad, because it’s so sad when I cry.”

“Oh I’m sure it is you’re normally so upbeat and happy.” Dimber said.

“Aw, that’s such a sweet thing for you to say! I wish everyone could be as sweet as you Dimber, you know what I mean? it’s just so hard to find nice people nowadays! It’s like something has sucked the niceness out of everyone, I really just don’t get it! Do you get it?”

“Well, you know high school, everyone just gets so wrapped up in their own little worlds that sometimes they just don’t see other people’s problems, you know? But I sometimes don’t understand the vanity and rudeness in some people” Dimber said.

“Neither do I.” Ida East said shaking her head and almost falling over.

“I am NOT asleep!” Hogan said from across the class room.

“Yeah, yeah, yeah, we know” Mr. Tea said as Hogan fell back asleep.

“Hmmm…that Hogan kid does that a LOT!” Ida East said twirling her dark curly hair.

“Yeah…” Dimber said watching the clock. It read 3:15. Just one more minute and she would put her plan into action.

Dimber pretended to listen to Ida East and nod her head along and smile at some of the things she said but on the inside she was going over her plan, her plan to destroy the creative writing classroom. The clock struck 3:16. It was time.

Dimber stood up and unzipped her white puffy jacket, revealing what she had been wearing underneath it all day. She had a bomb strapped to her body.

“Oh my God Dimber! I love that shirt, it looks so lifelike, I mean if I didn’t know any better I’d really think it was a real life bomb! But I’d be careful if I was you, the school administrators may send you home for breaking the dress code!” Sherry Seth said admiring Amber’s ‘shirt’.

“Uh, I don’t really care about this school or the administrators! And F.Y.I., moron, it is a bomb.” Amber said.

“Do not talk to Sherry Seth like that! Even if she doesn’t call me she’s still the love of my life!” D’Emanuel said.

“I am not!” Sherry Seth said in a loud voice.

“So wait is that like a real bomb? Like a bomb that goes boom and blows people up and stuff? Like a bomb that Mr. Carver used to eat kind of bomb?!” Ida East asked looking at it closely.

“Why would I have a fake bomb strapped to my chest?!” Amber asked.

“And to think I thought you were one of the nice people, I guess there are no nice people, I guess I’m the only one, I guess I should be happy I’m dying because I’d rather die then live in a world devoid of niceness.” Ida East said.

“Wait, I can’t blow up, I have baseball practice, baseball is more important than anything else in the world, don’t you get that Dimber, I mean Gordon is your boyfriend and he plays baseball, so can’t you forget about the whole bombing thing until after baseball season?” Dustin said.

“What do you people not get about me having a bomb to my chest?!” Dimber said “This is not a time for negotiations people! You are all going to be destroyed!”

“Destroyed, if misspelled is looks like de story!” Sherry Seth started singing.

“Oh my GOD! We can’t die! I’m too young; I have too much life ahead of me! I love living, I’m sorry for ever acting like I didn’t love living but I do, please give me a second chance, I need to change my ways! I want to LIVE!” Megadeth said.

“NO! This class has destroyed my life!” Dimber said.

“How so?” Bethany asked.

“I spend all my time writing and have no time for Gordon, the star athlete; I need time for my boyfriend!” Amber said.

“So…you’re killing us all because of the workload?” Bethany asked

“Well, when you put it like that it just sounds petty!” Dimber said.

“No it doesn’t! That is so romantic, killing for love, go ahead and blow us all to pieces! This is a worthy cause for us to die for.” Sherry Seth said.

“The only worthy cause for dying is baseball!” Dustin argued.

“Can’t you just blow up Mr. Tea?! He’s the one assigning the workload, not us! We’re innocent, please let us go! Kill him but spare the innocent!” Megadeth pleaded.

“I am NOT asleep” Hogan said jumping up in front of Dimber, as he jumped up he somehow disconnected the wires, causing the bomb to shut off and become useless.

“Did Hogan just save us?” Sherry Seth asked.

“Dang it! I guess he did.” Bethany said “I never thought Hogan Court would be the one to save me in a hostile crisis situation”

“Yeah, I always thought baseball would save my life.” Dustin said.

“Am I the only one bothered by the fact that Dimber, someone who is so sweet and nice and totally gets me just tried to bomb us?” Ida East asked.

Everyone turned to look at Dimber.

Dimber just stood there speechless looking around the classroom. Finally Mr. Tea cleared his throat and said “I was really holding out for D’Emanuel, but you’ve left me no choice, please go to choice Dimber.”

Dimber nodded blankly and said “Yes sir.”

So there you have it, a typical day at Agricultural High School, typical is anything but typical.