Desparity (the Change)

By Kimra Lelanst

For: Gezi - Goddess of Encouragement

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And so it was, at this time, that there was nothing she could do.

She rose from the ground, her hands brushing against the thighs of her black trousers, her hair, wet with sweat clinging to her throat and forehead in annoying patch’s. She gave a sigh and furiously ran her fingers through the mingled black-purple strands.

“Just once.” She demanded of the turned dirt a scathing look on her face. Just once she wanted to be able to fix it. But this wasn’t the once that she wanted so much, so much it burnt her insides and stung her eyes. This was just like all the others. It was just like it would always be.

Her eyes began to water, and she caught herself, brushing the thoughts away as carelessly as she had the dirt, before turning away. Slowly she returned to her car, walking across uneven earth and ignoring the rain that decided to turn down upon her. She pushed through the thicket, ignored the vicious scratches she got for being careless, and when she reached her car she pulled her jacket on. Resolutely ignoring the blood on the passenger seat as she got in.

She turned the keys lightly, felt the car come to life below her, it’s subtle rumble soothing her nerves. And before any one could come around the corner, but more importantly before she could think on what had just happened she jammed her foot onto the accelerator. It was a long way home.

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She pulled into the driveway, her face stoic. Her heart was pounding in her chest; she had done that to herself, taken the corners as sharp as she could, kept her foot flat against the accelerator. In a strange way, for a few minutes she had felt alive and that’s what mattered. But like everything it ended, and she was back to her dead reality, staring out the rain smothered windscreen at the garage doors, her foot on the break and her fingers shaking as much as her heart was pounding.

Her eyes began to sting, which she realised.

Sharply she shook her head, gripped and released her fingers several times before letting a tense breath release. She was fine, there was nothing wrong, and there was no point becoming upset because nothing would change it.

She jumped when someone tapped on the window, but as she swung her head to look she found herself facing her flat mate, Matt. He said something, shadowed under a bright blue umbrella. She told herself to breath and smile as she rolled the window down, small splatters of water blowing in past Matt to sprinkle against her. “Yo.” He smiled good-naturedly. “You coming in or what?”

“Yeah.” She replied, trying to match the honesty in his smile. “I’ll just park-“

“No can do.” He interrupted. “Sorry.” He added sounded less amused. “That car I got the other day?” He waited for her quick head nod. “I found out it’s not water proof.”

In an attempt to hide her laugh she snorted and he looked indignant for only a moment before he looked sheepish and shrugged.

“You don’t mind? Do you?” He asked quickly, gesturing to the garage door.

“Naah.” She motioned for him to wait where he was as she turned the ignition off, pulled the handbrake up, and closed the window. She was careful as she picked her things up, putting her keys in her bag, to keep her eyes away from the passenger seat and the haphazardly placed blanket that covered it. She pushed the door open careful to let him step back as she did and as she stepped out of the car she found herself surprisingly dry. She met his eyes and saw him smiling like a helpless boy.

“Thanks.” She told him, a quick glance at the umbrella lingering over her head before locking the door.

“Well I took the garage and all, least I can do.” He replied politely.

Neither said anything else as she thumped the door closed and he escorted her to the veranda both a little wet by the end of the journey despite their protection.

“So.” She began as he shook the excess water of the umbrella and she moved into the house. “Where you outside waiting just to lend me an umbrella?”

“God no!” He cried sounding appalled and at her curious look he smiled again. “It’s cold out there.” He sounded sheepish again. She gave him a little smile and shrugged her jacket off, a sting in her arm reminding her at the last minute not to remove any layers in front of this man. She pulled the jacket back on. “You’re getting the carpet wet.” He told her without any reprimand and she gave him a glare to prove the pointlessness of his comment.

“I need the bathroom.” She told him flatly and moved deeper into the house. He shouted something unimportant at her as she disappeared into the bathroom locking the door behind her before pulling the chair up against it in case. She checked the windows too, making sure they where latched and locked, their frosted glass hindering any visibility for outside viewers. Then she stripped the jacket off throwing it into the bathtub with a heavy thud.

She didn’t bother with any of her other clothes yet stepping into the separate shower and turning the water onto her clothed body. She waited the hot water pounding against her, staring at the roof so she didn’t see the red tinge that she knew from experience would be in the water washing off her.

She sat down under the running water, ignored as it splashed harshly against her face and focused on the steps that had to be followed, the rules that always applied. She began with her shoelaces, fumbling with the wet wool until she had loosened them enough to wrench the shoe off. Without care she threw it out the shower door and into the bathtub with her jacket. They would all have to be soaked and cleaned properly; the shower would only remove the bulk of his blood.

She bit back on the thought, told herself to keep going, told herself she was doing well and never believed a word of it. The second shoe followed the first, her soaks she wrung out once, watching the pink splatter against the tiles before throwing them into the tub as well.

Slowly, meticulously she stripped the rest of her clothes off, employing every effort to keep herself from thinking as she did.

Oh it wasn’t new, this experience, she had done it so many times before it shouldn’t have effected her any more but some how it got harder every time, every single time.

She reached for the soap and stopped with a knock to the bathroom door. “Hey?” Matt called through the door.

She settled internal nerves. “Hmm?” She called back over the sound of running water.

“It okay if I invite Jan, and Phil, and the rest of them around?”

“I have work tomorrow!” She called back and reached for the soap again. The water was still running off her pink, the blood that had soaked through her clothes washing away.

“We’ll be really quite! I swear! You wont even know there here.”

She knew that was a lie, wondered if he knew it and let it go. It was too much effort to fight today.

“Yeah whatever.” She replied, just loud enough to be heard as she begun to scrub at clinging patches of dried blood with the soap. There where other things to worry about.

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They hadn’t been even a little quite since getting there. She could hear them through her door, a bunch of university students who wouldn’t know the meaning of quite unless they where sitting an exam. She mused at how they managed to get it right then, and then disregarded the thought. She needed to sleep.

But it wasn’t happening because she couldn’t get her eyes to close and their trivial meaningless conversations where protruding into her consciousness.

“Hey, is that hot flat mate of your’s here?” that would have to be Robbie, he was always trying to hit on her.

“Oh god’s, tell me she’s not!” One of the girls cried in a giggly voice.

“Hey, come on guy’s she has to work tomorrow-“ Matt tried to interrupt.

“She’s here?” A different girl screeched. “Shit, usually by now she’s done the ‘I’m a bitch so shut up speech’. What? She get onto Prozac or something?” The mocking tone was spiteful.

“Well if that doesn’t get her smiling, I’m sure I will.” Robbie intervened sounding pleased with himself.

One of the girls grunted, and the sound of something breaking rang through the air. “You are so sick, don’t you have any brain above your hips?” Megan’s voice demanded.

“Sure I do, but I don’t need to use them when that babes around!” Robbie declared.

“Shit guys! She’s in her room trying to sleep, could we get off this topic?” Matt demanded sounding very harassed. It was nice of him, she mused, but it didn’t help.

“Awe, Matt’s got a thing for the pretty little daffodil.” One of the unknown men crooned.

“Shut your hole Jake, Matt’s got no more of a thing for her then I do-“

“But we all know you’re a leso Jan, so maybe you have a thing for her.” The same man dismissed superiorly.

The sound of a physical blow rang through the air followed by the tittering of giggles. “I’m engaged-“

“It’s not legal!” He interrupted annoyed.

“It’s not the point.” She interrupted sounding annoyed herself. “Jess is a great girl, she just has to work a lot.”

She pulled the blanket up above her head, smothering herself in darkness and muffled noise. They where still talking, about her, she could hear the occasional snip filtering through the woollen quilt but mostly it was unintelligible. She could have walked out there and shocked them all, made them feel contrite, but it wasn’t worth it, nothing was. So instead she screwed her head deeper into her pillow and began to count, hoping that boredom would send her spiralling into the sleep that didn’t want to come.

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She woke late, her alarm clock hadn’t been set the night before and she had slept well into the morning. With a groan she rolled over, pulling the blanket that had slipped down to her neck back up over her head. There was a chance, in her head, that if she didn’t look at the clock it wouldn’t be real. She was hoping at least that life worked like that, even if she knew better.

She could hear movement on the other side of her door, people moving about, at least three of them and she didn’t want to face that, didn’t want to be anywhere near it. Absently she fell back asleep.

She woke a few minutes later and stared at the glowing clock the blanket somehow having slipped away from her eyes. She knew she could make it to work if she moved fast enough, if she skipped her shower and missed breakfast, but the idea of actually being on time didn’t make her move.

She debated for a long time, the pros and cons of actually slipping out from beneath her thick woollen blanket and meeting the nippy winter air that awaited. If she was honest with herself she had no desire to move, nothing propelling her into motion and encouraging her to start the day. It didn’t matter how fast she moved anyway, the bus would be late and her car needed to be cleaned before she took it anywhere.

On a very slow autopilot she crawled out from below the blanket, her cold feet seeking out disregarded slippers as she fought the numb feeling trying to infect her.

There was a knock on her door and she chose to ignore it as she fumbled for clothes from her floor.

“You in there Jess?” Matt called through the door.

She counted her breaths; debating the waste of energy it would take to reply and weighing it against just getting rid of him.

“Jess?” Was asked cautiously and the handle began to turn.

“What?” She cried in shock staring at the door, suddenly alert and aware that she was only wearing a t-shirt, a pair of slippers, and knickers. She was relieved to see the door handle release, the door still latched.

“Gesh- You want some breakfast? The girls are cooking a feast.”

“No.” She snapped as she quickly pulled a skirt over her bare legs. The last thing she wanted after the over heard conversations last night was to eat something made by people who clearly had a dislike for her. That was okay though, she hated them as well.

“You sure?” He was trying to be enticing.

“I’m sure.” She growled back at the door. She twisted her hair back from her face and tied it loosely.

“Well okay then.” He walked away from her door, the sound of his steps receding as he headed for the kitchen (she assumed).

She waited a few moments making sure he was gone before calming down enough to get on with it. She glanced at the clock and let go of that little hope she could make work on time. Even in a delirious state she wouldn’t be able to convince herself that ten minutes would have her out the door and in the middle of the city. She didn’t even bother swearing at the realisation that she would receive a lecture from her colleges and boss, it just wasn’t worth the effort any more.

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“Hope you don’t mind Megan, Tiff, and Robbie stayed the night.” Matt announced as she walked into the kitchen. She winced at him as she looked over at the three guests. Of course, guest would imply they where wanted.

Resigned to the intrusion she met Matt’s timed look with a sharp one.

“Where did they sleep?” she asked it roughly, not even resignation was going to take the bite out of her voice.

“Err… Stuarts room-“

“Did you ask him?” She interrupted, knowing an excuse was coming.

“Well no. But he wont mind-“ Matt began.

She interrupted again, a cold look on her face. “Remind me to lock my door when I go out.” She glowered and pushed past the company to the bathroom. She heard Matt’s scampering to follow and regretted that she didn’t get the door shut before he could duck into the room.

Unsettling her he shut them both into the bathroom, keeping the conversation away from the guests.

“Now just wait a minute.” He told her looking dark with annoyance. “I’d never invade your privacy like that.” He sounded hurt, she didn’t much care. “But Stuarts never cared, hell his had friends over and dumped them in my room before! I don’t know why you’re making it a big deal.”

“You’re making it a big deal.” She told him bluntly, looking to the left of him at the door handle. A burst of laughter erupted from the kitchen, audible through the thick wooden door. “I was going to have a shower.”

“Look, Jess. If you’ve got a problem with my friends-“ Someone knocked on the door and Matt flicked a glance at it. “What?”

Robbie’s voice intruded. “When you’re done with her can I have a go?” Followed by another burst of laughter from the girls.

“Rob! You’re a dick! Fuck off!” Matt shouted back vehemently. A deeper laugh, obviously Robbie’s sounded and the girl’s laughter increased.

“Can I have a shower?” Jess demanded feeling off centre. She didn’t like the intimacy of someone being locked in a room with her; she despised that there where people laughing at the situation as well. A sick feeling was building in her gut but she didn’t react on it except to pick at the sleaves of her long sleaved shirt.

Matt gave a sigh. “Yeah sure. Look do you need a lift to work or anything?” He was trying to appease, his eyes meeting hers. She shook her head on instinct. She wanted distance, distance to find balance again. He hadn’t even done anything and she was nervous. “Okay. Look I’m sorry Jess. Obviously we got on the wrong foot when you moved in-“

“Just leave me alone!” She shouted suddenly, surprising them both, but he reacted faster then her. Looking shocked for one second before flinging the door open and storming out of the room. She scuttled to the door and slammed it shut, sliding the lock into place. She didn’t need this, she didn’t need anything and all she wanted to do as she lent up against the door feeling violated for no reason at all was to cry.

Just once, she wanted to fix it and it was never going to happen.

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My friend (for whom I wrote/am writing this for) asked me not to post it until it was fixed up. But… I’m a crappy friend and I’m also an attention hog. So Please Review so that at least I’m slightly validated in ignoring a friend. Please please please.

Cheers