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Chorale No.7- What is Love…?
Sombre of Sorrow’s Soul
What happened these past years may be considered wrong, but I believe that there isn’t anything wrong… after all doesn’t God love all creations?
For the longest time I can remember it started the day I moved to a very new area in a large town. I had moved during the summer vacation of the year 1999 and had a great big idea of what was happening.
The punch line was this; I am going to move to a new place and meet new people. I loved the place I grew up in, the place I was born at. Now I have to move and leave everything behind, it just seemed like a total waste, but it gave me a chance to start fresh.
When I moved, I remember the outside of the house was a total wreck! There was dirt everywhere; the driveway was still like stones that were flat on the ground. There was no whatsoever grass leaving only mud all around my new house.
The very first day of school for me was really weird; I was at a new place being the “new” kid. Everyone was being really nice to me, which really comforted my whole existence.
A little further into my life, my class was packed with people that were very short compared to me.
There was also something that all of my friends still remember, a very strict teacher that taught my class music. She would yell at us a lot because of some very little things, but it ended up that we were much more disciplined afterwards.
Years rolled by and my group of great friends increased. The next year, I was introduced to a guy that I really thought of as a weird person. We all became great friends as we all were increasing the circle of people in our lives.
I still remember the first time I liked a girl in my class; she was a really pretty girl that was really smart. She has long, dark, hair and she loved everything that was pink.
Shortly after, there was another girl that was not that pretty in both personality and everything else. She was one of the many girls that liked the friend of mine that played basketball.
Following after, the next year, most of my friends were in my class, and other friends of mine started growing apart from us. Though now we are still all great friends, at the time we were not able to hang out often.
That year, everything started happening, the girl I liked, she likes my friend, heartbreaker I guess? Well, anyways she, I, and another friend were super close; we were all in the same class from the time I first moved to the current year.
That year passed by so quickly, but one memory that always pops up is the time our class was watching a movie. I was sitting with the girl that I liked and I was happy already, but my body acted on it's own and I held her hand under the table.
I think I was kind of red that time, but during the summer all the feelings just flushed away.
Afterwards, I started liking the person I thought was weird AND, he’s a GUY! I thought it was really strange because I didn’t ever have any particular feelings for another male. Through all this awkwardness, I still pulled myself together and could act as a great friend to everyone.
These thoughts just drained me of myself and I couldn’t do anything about it. When I started liking this guy, others started hating me for no reason, even though they don’t know about my feelings.
They were all just randomly biting away at our relationships. At this time, I had a lot of friends that were girls because I started to understand what a girl goes through.
After all, everyone that falls for someone goes through something disastrous. My love is the worst, first of all; I like another guy, and second my parents hate those whom are homosexual.
This still didn’t stop me though, I still loved this guy with my heart and I just couldn’t help it. He and I were like the same; we even acted the same and talked about the same weird things too.
Another year passed, being with so many people for so long has its pros and cons. Most of it a con because of the many friends I had lost. I later found out that some other popular person had been spreading rumours about me being homosexual (in which that is really true).
I denied it, hoping that everyone will believe me, but most of them just accepted me as who I “was” so they were friendly to me.
I stayed in love, hoping that he felt the same way about me, feeling nothing but this made me dream of nothing but his face. Remembering the first time we met, I didn’t even think of him as a friend really hurt.
I couldn’t help but cry when I just thought about how cold I was to this guy. Loving him, I found that I could also talk to other girls about their feelings toward other guys.
When I heard about an overnight trip, I was really happy; because I could maybe, just maybe sleep in the same room as him for just 1 night. Just thinking about this made me blush.
The months dragged, as I waited eagerly for this time, I just couldn’t wait, and I actually got to be one of the roommates of his. I started to think about what do bring to the trip and I just couldn’t think because of all these other things in my head.
I was so happy the day that we got onto the bus and drove to the location. It was a long trip that was like over 5 hours. Most of the time I was sleeping, but when I was awake I would look at where we were and notice that he was doing the same thing.
When he was staring at me and I was staring back, we both quickly looked at separate ways. At the time I was hoping that he liked me the way that I liked him.
After we arrived at our destination, we had some activities at various venues such as a clay furniture-creating studio. Following after, we settled during the night at a university suite that was really beautiful, my room was facing the large blue moon giving it a perfect view.
That night, I couldn’t sleep knowing that I was so close to him. I got out of bed and walked to his bed. Kind of hiding, I tried my best to hear his breathing and hoped that he was in a deep sleep.
When I stood up I saw him not wearing a shirt, and considering it such a cold night, I pulled the blanket over his body. After, I somehow got myself to ever so lightly, and gently kiss his lips. The warmth of these lips sank through my body making me feel so happy.
Suddenly I felt his arms around me pulling me to his body and kissing me back. I fell onto his bed, and was still kissing him feeling nothing but the warmth of his body.
The morning after what I thought was a dream, I noticed I had awoken very early in the morning noticing that the sun was just rising. Since our room was facing the east, I could see how beautiful the sun was.
Suddenly, I felt his arms wrap around me, and he embraced me ever so tightly. This made me kind of blush and I felt like this was still a part of my dreams.
His voice quiet, yet so manly, came out saying these few words; “I liked you ever since the first day we met…” I turned around and observed his face. His embrace felt like the ones that my parents gave me that was full of love.
I thought that this moment would never end, but as quickly as the clock’s alarm went off, I jumped off of him. After I turned the alarm off, I went to the washroom to clean myself up.
By the time I was out of there, the thought of me needing to take a shower crossed my mind. Since so, I ran to my room and grabbed a few clothes and a towel and I rushed to the washroom and turned on the shower.
Once I stepped in the shower, it felt very warm on my skin and I thought that I couldn’t get any happier. A slight moment later, I heard the door open up and I heard footsteps coming towards the shower.
I quickly turned around and saw him looking at me. I was so confused and I turned around being embarrassed because to someone seeing I unclothed. He once again embraced me and kissed my cheek.
A second after I felt the burden of holding his weight. I then noticed that he had fainted and I lifted him up a little bit and set his body to the ground. I finished taking my shower, got changed and waited for the time to pass by through reading a book I brought along.
Half an hour passed and he walked out the door, looking like he didn’t faint at all. He noticed he was a bit dirty, so I saw him get a towel and rush to the washroom. Moments later I hear the chaos of the other two in the other room.
They were sprinting around looking for things and I was too distracted to read anymore so I found something else to do.
The hours rolled by as our trip began to come to an end when we had to leave to the bus and go back. This was the end point of all the good, bad any many, many other kinds of memories that wish to be cherished or forgotten.
We came back to our city and felt so exhausted from the extremely long trip. A week after, and still, nothing changed, same old days with nothing but homework.
The end of the year had come here very fast, and I noticed that everyone started to drift apart…leaving long-lived relationships to die away. Since I was born on the seventh of November, I guess I am pretty young, but people say that I act way too old for my age.
Well, him and me are still good friends. On one confusing day, he asked a really stupid question to the girl I used to like. He asked “Do you like me?” and the girl replied,
“Yes, I do, okay…?”
Confused, he asked me what to do. I helped him through telling him to hold the confusion in until he was sure he did or didn’t like her. The next day, we talked about the same topic and he said that it was kind of working.
Though I may not have mentioned it before but I was born with kind of a family curse. It was prophesized that the son of the 7th generation in my family (which is me) will be cursed and that he will die at any time before he reaches the age of 19.
Well, even if so, it doesn’t matter that much to me anymore because I have already found the one thing that makes me most happy. Even if I die, I guess I will have something to appreciate to god for letting me live with.
Through the last year, I have realized that he and I will never be together, but I know that forever we will know what we should have had. Right now I am 15 and I still feel like I have committed a huge crime.
Thinking back now, I was so much more energetic and I was able to raise the mood of everyone around me. Now I feel as if I am bringing a depressing and melancholic feeling to everyone’s heart.
Love was the only thing driving me to do anything now that I have so little energy to do anything. Maybe this curse is real. Since now is October, I am about to become sixteen, this is something I thought I wouldn’t have been able to accomplish ever since I found out about this curse.
As my light grew dimmer and dimmer, I couldn’t see anyone as much as I wanted to. Though my grades rose dramatically, it didn’t give me much to be proud of. Life was just getting more and stranger by the moment. I then found out that I was going to move sometime during the next year.
Time flew so quickly and now I am sixteen and am approaching the month in which I would move on. So, on a Saturday night during July, I called him and asked if I could talk to him for a bit outside of my house.
When he came, he looked more vibrant than before emitting an aura of warmth throughout my body. Speaking to him really made me feel much more comforted which made me feel much better. By the time we finished talking to each other it was already 11:25.
I kissed him and held his body close to mine for a few seconds before saying farewell to him. I had told him everything and hoped that he’d understand what is going on.
Though he had a girlfriend, he still acted passionately to me and I felt the same way about him too. Time passed by way too quickly and I thought to myself what I have been doing these past months.
I had to go to the physician for the yearly check-up during October and I found out that there was something wrong with me. On top of that my parents told me that I was moving on the day of my birthday… November the 7th...
Finding out that this was going on me was already a shock, but to know that I won’t even be able to survive very long was even more of a devastating blow at me.
I had not been prepared to deal with something such as this and yet I still had to. I planned not to tell him or anyone else except my parents. Another few days passed feeling like years leaving me feel like some hollow shell that just walks around until it collapses.
Though man people around me didn’t notice the difference of my appearance, there were a few that did. The only person to notice me was he. He always stared at what my soul, and me and maybe… …the only thing I hold now: the love for him….
During the last week of what I hope is the remains of my life, I feel as if there was something that needed to be done before I left this place. I hoped that I could find out before it was too late for me.
Still, I thought that if I had to do something then god would tell me right? I prayed during the night asking god what it was that I was supposed to do before he took me back to him.
Another day of nothing but prayers, then the thought suddenly crosses my mind. If I was homosexual and it was wrong, wouldn’t I have to go to hell when I am judged to where I am to go? If god loves all of his creations then he would let us all go back to the place we all started from.
As another day passed from the thoughts of mine, he started to come more frequently trying to talk even more probably thinking after I move we will never speak again. Well if he thought this, he got one part down… we will never speak with each other again.
Three days have passed; leaving four days for what are the last days of what I think is my life. Feeling like I will go insane, I talk to everyone so much that it seems like my mouth has been moving ever since I was born.
Two days pass and I have two more and I find out that there was a surprise birthday party for me tomorrow at his house. As another day passes I decided to write this story of what happened to me as I fell in love with him.
Maybe in another life we will be together in harmony. This will be the last thing I will leave in this journal as I wait for the next day to unravel. Tomorrow will lead to the last entry before I die completing the last of my beloved journal...
The time of my birth was for some strange reason at 11:59 PM, but it was considered that I was born on the 7th. The time for school was coming, and I know that it will be a blast.
My dramatic marks are so high because of my skills and this proved to be my greatest asset. With this, I can cover up all of my weakness without anyone noticing anything strange.
I felt nothing but loneliness because I can’t tell anyone about this illness. The day progressed and I walked to his house already feeling happy that I could live through this one birthday.
Everything was well planned and had everything that brought that blissful mood back to everyone.
I asked him to talk to me at his room because I had something very important to tell him because I started feeling even weaker and it is almost 11:31PM. I told him, “Kunimitsu, did you ever like me?”
“Of course, Shuichi we are after all great friends right?” he said in a sympathetic tone.
“No, I mean have you ever thought of me as your… lover…”
Kunimitsu looked expressionless from the question I had asked him. I then asked him, “Do you remember the time when we kissed during that trip?”
I looked at the clock and noticed that the time was now 11:40PM. I needed to tell him quickly before anything else happened. Just then he said, “I do remember we kissed and that both of us had fainted during that night.”
“Well, do you love me?” I asked.
“Yeah, I did and still do.” Kunimitsu replied with all of his emotion.
“Thank you…”
I then blanked out not knowing what was going on, but I could hear Kunimitsu’s voice.
“What is wrong Shuichi, I want to help you!”
“I… am so… sorry….”
I was counting my breaths as I heard Kunimitsu dial on the phone. “I am finally going to see God for myself aren’t I?” I am now thinking.
My body feels extremely heavy and I wish for nothing more than to release me from my sorrow. I feel so cold, and my breaths go short and I can now hear the sound of the sirens just ringing everywhere.
I was shaking, but it wasn’t me, it was Kunimitsu. He was shaking from his tears and somehow, it made me feel a bit more free. With my little strength, I just said this one thing, “Please don’t be hurt…I knew this would have happened...but still, I loved you… goodbye… my love.”
I then heard the sound of the one instrument that I loved equally to Kunimitsu, the cello. I loved that sound and the feeling of the weight of the world come off of my soul.
Wow, what a great feeling that I have forgotten these past years.
I look to my side and notice someone with the form that looks so familiar, and yet I can’t make it out. We are right beside each other flying towards a gate.
I land and see this figure again. This time, I put out my hand and say, “Hi, my name is Shuichi, it is nice to meet you!”
He replied with a calming voice, “Nice to meet you, my name is Kunimitsu.”
Author's Note: Okay... I changed this a bit... like the format is different and I think that it is easier to read when it is like this, but it looks longer... so sorry about that!
Please Review this... I randomly got inspiration for this when I was crying and finished it in 2 days because it just flowed out of me...
Cheesy, blah, blah, blah, whatever flame, if you want, so review please...
Nyu.