I went to camp,

expecting only one

familiar face.

It wasn’t yours – it was his

It was Andy I looked for, you I found

Black hair, lively eyes

Are you who I’ve been waiting for?

Is it so hard to believe I found myself drawn in?

Loss decorated my life before you came

I didn’t expect help in picking up the pieces

but you held a lamp,

letting me search to my heart’s content

Now I don’t want to go back

Thunderstorms could have detained me

A day longer, and maybe

I would have admitted everything

but I couldn’t then

and ruin what was so wonderful

I remember your words too clearly

for my own peace of mind

“She’s as good as a boy”

“You’ll break my heart”

is it any wonder then,

that I stumbled and fell

at your feet?

Black hair and lively eyes –

a child within an adult

I never know who I’m dealing with

Do I want to believe in magical bonds for life?

Yes.

Do they exist?

If not, explain this tugging.

Explain the pain and joy.

H20 – two parts heart

one part obsession

I’m in water all the time

You’re too fresh in my mind, still

every spare moment

A fragment of memory can fill

sometimes it’s only a small moment –

remembering a smile

a carrot in ice cream

a hard workout,

a disappointed look

But often –

too often – it’s something more

I begin to recall the smaller things,

but they patch together

an Olympic handball game

a dozen spectators only –

it takes on new meaning

The only reason I’m there

is because you told me to come

you said it’d be fun

I sit by you, and don’t even watch

The players throw the ball

Final score?

You – one

Me – somewhere in the negatives

Is it wrong to be addicted to eyes?

Is it wrong to be obsessed with someone?

You’ve got a girlfriend,

Lauren told me so

So, why were you always talking about your ex?

Was she that important?

I want to delve into secrets

Share them, please

Don’t leave me hanging here.

I’m waiting for an email

The worst thing is I know it will come

It’s worse knowing it will come,

but not knowing

if there is some hidden message

Do you think out every blue word before you type

or does it just all happen?

I have to think

My words are stilted and wooden

It’s only like that around you

I can’t look you in the eyes

I’d rather have you not know

I’d rather not destroy all I’ve built

the foundation of an English accent

Fell away the last day of camp

English – ‘American English’

you called it

You said you knew when I was online

Is it wrong for such little things –

mere words! –

to trigger such emotional response?

You hurt me unintentionally

I didn’t know if you were stressed or cross

When I didn’t say Nikki did well

you felt angry to me

Were you?

Or was it fatigue from hard work?

Was it all about swimming?

For me it was, at least at first

I remember my roommate’s name

but I have no idea

what she looked like

I’m trapped, you understand

When I came back, I couldn’t get

thoughts back on track

they stayed with you

Your return,

Inglorious though I was then

made me have to remember again

You dug at an old wound

I thought it healed, but maybe it never will

It bled, but being a masochist of sorts,

I simply smiled

drove a knife into it,

followed by lemon juice and salt

It burns like fire.

How did you do this to me?

How have you so easily reduced me

To this?

I’m a writer of sad, soul-purging words

I connect staying hydrated

with a yellow bag

and a funny dance

Mud puddles stare at me,

threatening to ‘get me back’

for a puddle jump you started.

What have you done to me?

My life – I knew it was screwed with

when I was at camp

All I ate was salad and Gatorade

not the best meals

The fake eggs, powdery white and all

the other stuff caught in my throat

One night was stuffed shells,

or was that girl scout camp

two years ago?

I don’t remember precisely. I only know

You came to sit with me

then he was there – who I’d looked for

Andy and his green poison drink

iced tea – unsweetened – and blue powerade

Disgusting, but it was all I drank

My mind connects you with the drinking of water

You pushed it on me,

more than anything.

You wanted me to eat. I ate.

You wanted me to drink. I drank

You wanted me to swim. I killed myself trying.

I still remember the sets

5x100 on 1:30 warm up

it was a joke

5x100 on 1:25

pain sets in slow

5x100 on 1:20

I’m wondering at sanity

5x100 on 1:15

scalding muscles

5x100 on 1:10

I only got through three

I gave up, muscles screaming

My practice yesterday

gave you the idea that I was

superhuman. I’m not.

5x200 swim, kick, drill, pull swim.

Took a while

100 free then :20 rest

I went 1:03, you gave me a Look

200 IM then :20 rest

breathing hard, arms hurt

300 free then :60 rest

a bit to relax and work on technique

400 IM then :60 rest

lungs burning

500 pull then :60 rest

a set to burn my lungs and heal them

400 IM then :60 rest

I went faster than before, for you

300 free then :20 rest

faster again, but I’m in agony

200 IM then :20 rest

I can’t see anything, but it’s faster

100 free

I’m done. I’ve gone 1:02.

You were next to me swimming

Doing an insane set: 50x50 on :50

Not hard, but long

:45’s are easy to hold

:10 rest can suffice, or even :5

When I swim again, I don’t see anything

I only hear, and it’s your voice

Why did Dave have to go?

I’m a transfer case, I tell Lauren

I half believe it myself

Loss and a crush coupled

Is heartache for anyone

I can’t be bothered

to remember

to sleep now

it’s haunted, you see

filled to the brim

with wicked little dreams

teases

tricksters

dreams of happiness

and you.

---

Author's Note: This poem was written as an assignment for the Obession Poem. It seems like a cross between an obsession and love poem to me, but perhaps that's just my view... Anyway, swimming was at the top of my obsessions list, and therefore is very prevelent in this poem. Any helpful ideas about how to make this better are much appreciated! Reviews rock my world.