-A Star Trek Adventure.

Once upon a time there was quite possibly the hottest and most sexiest person you will ever meet in your entire life, (I am of course referring to myself). As she sat, gracefully on her lurverly if death defying and ass numbing computer chair, she pondered the meaning of life until she came to a conclusion. Life was made for only one thing.

To pay tribute to her beauty.

She immediately wrote down this thesis, which was clearly the greatest piece of thinking since Cleopatra made eyeliner, and copied and pasted one of those lil copyright symbols off the bottom of the Meg Cabot Book Club to the top right hand side of the page. Then, she saved it all and put it into a document before verrrr cunningly hacking, (okay just y’know, typing in my username and password,) into the school email facility where she opened a blank email and put her masterpiece, no, genius, no, brilliance, into an attachment before putting on some clothes other than her sexy lingerie-

-Blatant lie.

Before putting on some clothes other than her loincloth-

-Blatant lie.

Before putting on some clothes other than her nuddy pants.

-Disturbing and horrifying blatant lie.

Fine! Before putting on her trench coat and kilt with the wooden clogs imported from Demark and placing her Flaundrissh bever hat (courtesy of Geoffrey Chaucer) gracefully on her wonderful, gorgeous and silky soft electric blue hair and also attempted to stop talking in the third person as it was getting more than a wee bit confuzzling.

Which is only theoretically blue at the moment as she had yet to actually have it blue-ified.

Upon leaving the house she was swarmed by hott guys in fitted Armani suits that gave her lots of money didn’t mind in the slightest that she was small, top heavy, and only fifteen.

-Blatant lie.

Oh come on guys, gimme something here.

-No

Bitches.

-Why thank you

Okay, so, technically only fourteen (bitches) but they didn’t mind and instead took her to their leader. James Marsters who had a slave boy called Daniel Radcliffe (nyaaaaa -dribbles-) James, captivated by her beauty and hugemosity of the nunga nunga’s immediately took her to his bicycle, chariot, car, spaceship.

Upon boarding the spaceship Voyager, Katherine Janeway gave her the helm and said

“Sabrina, this ship is a gift to you for being so god damn shmexxi hawt.”

And I said, “Why thank you, for you I shall destroy Deep Space Nine that ugly, horrific monstrosity that I know you despise just as much as I do, then I shall make you the leader of the Borg as we both know you are a lonely and just leader in need of company on these long dark nights (ha ha ha, they are after all, in space).”

“I can’t thank you enough, Sabrina. You truly are the bomb diggity, allow me to give you the hollodeck for the night.”

Already at a run, the gorgeous and fabulous Sabrina was already entering the lift shouting “Hollodeck” and leaving said lift at a dead run before screeching to a halt and whacking the lil button that opens the doors before saying, “Open program ‘The hotness of Elijah Wood with those huge fingers and large hands’”

The computer replied with, “Access denied.”

Before we knew it, Sabrina Ruston, computer extraordinaire, had whipped open the control hatch and had rewired the whole system of Voyager using only her cunning wit, a hair slide and a copy of ‘Windows For Dummies’. She repeated her request once more, this time, Elijah Wood materialised on a bed infront of her. . .

-cough-

-Okay, this is gonna start getting real old, real fast.

-Yes, I agree.

-So do I.

-So do I!

-What about me? You always forget about me and we all know I’m the genius in here.

--snort- You? Genius? You once tried to get the body to wear Lycra, you need help.

-Better than that loincloth you always have her in.

-EXACTLY! MAKING ME THE MORE INFLUENTIAL OF THE VOICES HERE SO SHUT IT BONE HEAD!

-DON’T YOU CALL ME BONE HEAD YOU BONE HEAD, WE BOTH SHARE THE SAME BODY REMEMBER!!!!

Okay y’all, I’m done.

-Good, now get your act together.

Okay.

-Just before we hush up for the narration once more, was it good?

‘snot too shabby… I like hobbits.

--group shudder-

Leaving the hollodeck proved to be a mighty challenge, for the almighty Sabrina did not wish for anyone to know of her rendezvous with a certain ring bearer, after all, if James or Daniel found out, the consequences would be…

-Dire?

Shut up, I’m telling the story!!!

-It was so totally dire.

Shut the hell up, I was not going to say dire damn it.

-Yes you were, you always say that.

Do not.

-Do too

Do not-

-Damnit?

GET OUT OF MY HEAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

--silence-

Anywho, she instead chose to crawl out of the hatch in the roof which shouldn’t be that busy, but you just know they will be because like, every episode of Voyager which only lasts like, an hour (‘cept the last one which was two) they always come under attack and have to escape through the lil runways in the roof. She just hoped that she’d caught it at the adverts (a.k.a. commercials).

Scurrying through the roof was quite fun really and she played count the various limbs as she went along because there are always dead people up in the roof and you never see them get carried down after an attack so reason states, they must still be up there. Right, so, here she is, scurrying along, counting the limbs, jamming fingers in the AC (air conditioning) and being a general prankster when all of a sudden she heard something behind her.

-OMG! Did you fart?!

Um, no… Shut up! You keep distracting me.

-Oh, alright, sorry

It was the terrifying sound of… the Borg.

--screams-

“You! Species (WTF species are we???) (???) Halt, resistance is futile.”

“Nyahahahaharh, that is what you think, but I am the beautiful and terrifying Sabrina Ruston, captain of the star ship Voyager and I’ll be damned if I see this home in the hands of the Borg!”

-Um, Sabrina, I know you said not to interrupt you, but I thought you should know that there’s about four behind you and er… they’re kind of surrounding you.

Damn. Okay. Never fear, Sabrina is here, and she is packing.

-brandishes paint ball gun-

-Borg do lil Borg laugh which is just a series of flashes from the various LED’s they have implanted all around their persons-

“Oh, you laugh, but these paint ball squidges hurt!”

Crawling ever faster she reached the ladder, below her were Borg, above her were Borg, to the left and the right were Borg.

Like a giant gangbang, but there were two problems with this thesis. Number one, not enough orifices, number two, do the Borg still retain their ‘bits’??? Seven of Nine retained her mammary glands, perhaps guys also kept them? It would certainly be a bit different, bringing whole new meaning to ‘as hard as metal’.

-Um, Sabrina, that’s just gross. And we had a talk about it, and uh, we’re going.

Wha-???

-Yea, we don’t wanna be here when you get killed, sooo… Bye.

Guys, no, don’t do this, guys!!!!! GUYS?!?!?!?!??!!?

-silence-

Right, well, now I’m going to destroy you all!!!!!!!! Nobody takes my voices and gets away with it!!!!

“Come with us, many bodies to one mind, never alone.”

“WTF?”

“You must come with us, attractive female of species (???) Resistance is futile… and I forgot the pink fluffy handcuffs so it wouldn’t be that much fun either.”

“Did you just say ‘I’???”

“No, I would never do that, I’m part of the collective.”

“You just did it again, y’hear that guys? You gots a traitor.”

“Excuse me Sex Goddess of species (???) can I just, er…”

“Oh, right, um, hang on.”

Lots of manoeuvring ensues with such key phrases as “Wow, so you’re definitely still a guy, eh?” and “Hey, buddy, watch where you put those hands,” before finally all the Borg are traipsing down the ladder which will never break because ladders on the spaceship Voyager never break. Everything else breaks, but never important things like the shower or the toilet or the ladders or the condom machine found in both the men’s room and the ladies room. Sabrina, temporarily forgotten, climbs up the ladder, doing the mandatory check before hand and shouting,

“Now don’t y’all be checking out my ass!”

“Would we do a thing like that?”

“I dunno, from what was going on inside that metal plating I’d say you aint gotten any in a while.”

“Are you doubting our manliness??”

“Course not, course not. -whispers- Fridges.”

“What did you just mumble?”

“Oh, me? Nothing, nothing.”

-scurries up ladder-

Upon reaching the actual levels she hastily ran into the nearest room to get a change of clothes, studiously ignoring the grunts and moans coming from the room next to me, noting in the corner of the room was a picture of Bilana and Tom and desperately trying not to think such things as “Ah, one last time,” or “ah, going out with style.” The only thing to wear that fitted her topheavy-ness however was a Lycra sports bra and a pair of Spiderman panties, my kilt and trench coat now thoroughly destroyed. Mumbling all the while and picking up a Klingon battle axe she left Tom and Bilana to pro-create and left the apartment.

She got slightly lost for a few minutes, ending up in hollodeck once more and debated calling Elijah back for one last time, I mean, if she was going to be assimilated, it might be nice to have something to remember when she got saved by the next Catherine Janeway and you know, those action replays can be fun…

-No, you must not, you must resist.

Yay!!!! The voices have returned!!!!

-Actually, no, just me.

Damn, you’re the freak with the thing for Lycra aren’t you!?!?!?!

-There’s no point in me lying as you are after all wearing a Lycra sports bra.

God damn you!!!

-Yea, well, you gotta get up to the bridge if you wanna live.

Hmm, good plan. Leaving the hollodeck at a dead run she ran down the passageway to the mess hall.

-Who’s that singing?

No one. I don’t hear anything.

-OMG, you freak!!!

Wha-???

-It’s you that’s singing.

I am not.

-Yes you are, listen.

-silence is broken only by the melodious voice of the almighty Sex Goddess Sabrina singing ‘I’ma workin’ on de railroad,’-

God damn you, I’ll sing if I want to. Now shut up, I need to think.

-silence-

Hmm, I wonder where I am. Oh look, there’s someone, I’ll ask directions.

“Hey, do you know where I am?”

“Yes.”

“Could you tell me?”

“Yes.”

“Are you gonna?”

“Yes.”

“Well tell me then.”

“For a small fee I’ll tell you anything.”

“God damn you sex crazed Borg’, I’ll find my own way.”

“Suit yourself.”

Running once more, knocking out small children and terrifying the elderly with her hugely bassoomers bouncing wherever which way they liked she came across the Mess hall.

-Don’t even think it you fat cow.

Shut it Lycra freak. I grabbed a donut and considered my predicament.

“Why hello there, you’re Sabrina aren’t you?”

“Why yes, I am, and you’re Neelix aren’t you?”

“Why yes, I am. I knew it was you because you’re a Sex Goddess.”

“Why yes, I am, I knew it was you because when you get freaked, you neck gets a lil crazy.”

“Why yes, it does.”

“Hey puffa fish, back off my woman!”

Enter James and Daniel”

“OMG!!! All is saved!!!!” I cried.

“You thinkin’ what I’m thinkin’???” Asked Dan.

“You thinking three way???” Asked James.

“Why yes, I think he is,” said Neelix.

“Shut it puffa fish!!!” we all cried in unison.

“No, now shut up, no three ways. Don’t look at me like that, we must save the crew from sex crazed Borg’.”

“What? Where????” Dan cried, looking around.

“Ignore the boy, he knows nothing of how to treat a woman.” Said James.

“Hey man, I’m the boy who lived, you can’t talk to me like that.”

“Yeah, well, I’m a 250 year old vampire so go shove it.”

“Both of y’all can go fuck yourselves in a sec if y’all don’t shut it and get it together.”

“Wow, you’re like the best girlfriend in the world!”

“Yeah, you’re really gonna like, let us whip it out and start beating infront of you and the puffa fish???”

Sabrina proceeded to drop the battle axe and grab Neelix’s all famous wok and whack them both around the head. Both fell dead on the floor.

“Aw crap.”

“Aw crap.”

“I can’t believe I killed two of the hottest guys in the entire universe, our children would have been so Goddamn gorgeous!”

“I can’t believe you just killed the boy who lived and a retarded vampire with my wok.

“Shut it puffa boy.”

Neelix did nothing but inflame a bit more.

Sabrina, being as strong and as ingenius as she is, proceeded to throw both James and Dan onto a conviently placed wheely bed before getting them to the Doctor immediately.

“Doctor!”

“Please state the nature of- Oh my! What happened?!”

This is of course a standard line for any emergency, the Doctor is never online he comes online, stops at the exact same place every time before saying the exact same phrase every frigging time.

“Just fix them, I think they’re dead.”

“You killed the un-killable boy and a vampire? Wow, not only are you a Sex Goddess, you’re also a killing machine. Rock on sistah!”

“Shut it, freak.”

“Who are you calling freak? I’m not the one wearing Spiderman panties.”

“Do not diss, the man with the spider like qualities.”

“Whatev girlfreuden, get out of ma heezy an go pop some o’ dem robots”

-punches Doctor in the face-

Leaving the sick bay on a conveniently placed horse that just happened to be in the area, she entered the lift once more before getting to the bridge.

“Whooo-eeeee, the entertainment has arrived!!!”

The Borg’ had been hotboxing the bridge.

Bastard druggies.

“Everybody, stay calm, I am taking over the ship.”

“Okay.”

“Myahahahahaharh.”

As she went to go wake Tuvoc up who had been exploring his manliness for the first time and needed a clean change of pants she distinctly heard one of the Borg behind me ask my horse,

“So baby, wanna gimme some sugar?”

Once she had woken Tuvoc up he kept finding excuses to lean across her until she did the Vulcan nerve pinch on him and he collapsed to the floor once more, but that’s okay, as she now had control over the ship.

“Uh, guys?”

“Yeah?”

“Where’s Captain Janeway?”

“Who??”

“I think she means lil red.”

“Oh, lil Red. The queen has her.”

“Aw crap.”

“You wanna bit o’ this to calm the nerves?”

“Um, nah, I’m fine.”

“Sure, it’s good shit?”

“I bet it is, now er, back away.”

“Or what?”

“Or I’ll knock you out with my nunga nunga’s.”

“How you gonna reach?”

-This is strangely familiar.

Sabrina, swinging the Kilngon battle axe out next to her, brought it crashing into the Borg’s legs, hacking them straight off before sending him flying with a well aimed hit from the breasticles.

“Anyone else gonna make comments on my height?”

“No, ma’am.”

“Good. Now, piss off back to your own ship… And leave the frigging door open on your way out, I need to have a clear head while I think about how I’m going to destroy all you bastards. I know, Seven of Nine, I’ll use her as bait, they’ll never guess, not out of all the times this same plan has been done before and how each time she’s been found out, not this time.”

On the intercom

“Would Seven of Nine stop playing with all her old fuckbunnies and please make her way to the bridge. Immediately.”

Enter Seven of Nine

“Sup?”

“Aw, nutin much, chillin’, killin’, watchin’ the game on the big screen.”

“Coolness, who’s playing?”

“Miami Dolhpins versus the Indianapolis Colts.”

“Go Colts, go!”

“Hell yeah. Now then, the reason you’re here, you must go and penetrate the hive mind.”

“-giggles- You said ‘penetrate’.”

“You’ve been doing enough of that, now, get gone.”

Exit Seven of Nine

On the intercom once more

“All righty you whores and maggots, get your asses our of bed and let’s get this ship up and running!!!”

Cheers heard from all around the ship

-Because they all just came.

No, because I am such a born and natural, fair and just leader.

-Blatant lie.

Shut up!!! Hang on, guys?

-Yes?

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-We love you too.

“Aww, isn’t that sweet?” said James, wearing an Armani tailor made suit.

“Yes, I’d say so,” said Dan, also wearing a tailor made suit, Gucci this time.

“Oh wow, I don’t suppose you guys are good at um… oven repairing are you?”

“Pretty good.”

“Yeah, pretty good.”

“Ah, good, if you’d just like to step this way, it’s in my quarters.”

“Why are you locking the door?”

“Stray Borg, you never know.”

“Right you are, where’s this oven?”

“By the bed.”

“Really? I don-”

-James and Dan were suddenly cut off by a flying, crazed, Sex Goddess jumping on them.

-Where the fuck is that Lycra freak???

-Here.

-Good, guys, go sit on her.

--general sound of movement with the occasional ‘AHHHHH MY SPIIIIINE’ and ‘Hey, I really like that ring, new?’ Just general girl talk really-

-Why are you sitting on me?

-Because she’s wearing Lycra and Spiderman panties.

-Was wearing -

-Shut up, not the point.

-after a glorious three hours of this chat, Sabrina regained control of herself-

Okay, so, here’s the plan, destroy Deep Space Nine, destroy the Borg, get Katherine Janeway back, book deserted cottage in Alaska somewhere, hopefully when a snowstorm is about to go in and dump a few feet of snow everywhere-

-Why?

Not to get snowed in with James and Dan if that’s what you’re thinking. Is it!!!???

-Um, well, no, I guess not…

Good, because if you thought that, you’d be wrong.

Really wrong.

Not even the tiniest bit correct in any way shape or form.

Well, maybe just a tiny bit.

-Back to the list.

Yes, back to the list. Then, travel the galaxy finding out new life and reporting back to the Academy with our findings.

-If we weren’t lost in the Delta Quadrant.

If we weren’t lost in the Delta Quadrant. But I never said which order we’d do the list, so y’know, ha.

“Sabrina?”

“Yes, James?”

“I’m not feeling tired anymore.”

“Yeah, well, I’ve got a headache. Gotta go, lives to save, space stations to destroy.”

“Bu-”

“No, Dan, I have to think of the bigger picture.”

“Bigger picture… That’s an idea, ever thought of maybe using a camera next time…???”

“Only if you’re a good boy and go and kill Voldemort without you first being destroyed.”

“Aww, what?”

“You heard the lady.”

“And you can take that grin off your face James, I am not going to be sleeping with a defective Vampire, where’s the danger???”

“Damn you.”

“Right, well, you two might wanna get out of the bed, change the sheets, have a shower and put some clothes on, you’ve got a big day ahead of you.”

-Dan waves wand, room returns to normal, suits are not now left crumpled with rips and tears along the seams as though someone tried to rip it off with their teeth… -cough-, they are now fixed and back on their designated persons-

“I’ll, err, just, er…. Go. Yes, go, must work.”

-Move your Goddamn feet woman!!!

“Yes, feet… move the feet. Move. Foot. Toe?”

-MOVE!!!!!!

Okay, so, somehow she’s running down a corridor somewhere, not sure where, nor is she sure why she’s running.

“Are you sure you don’t wanna just skip Katherine Janeway??? She’ll survive, she’s a hard woman to kill.”

Ah. Now she remember, ultimate fantasy guys chasing her in suits. Run. Must run, and is running. Ooh, hollodeck…

-NO!!!

No, absolutely right.

-proceeds to run straight into the real Elijah Wood-

“WTF???”

“Oh, I do apologise, you must be Sabrina. I knew it was you because you’re such a Sex Goddess.”

“Aha, well, okay, you erm, you have fun here at camp, no, on the Star ship Voyager, I gotta dash.”

“Ah, thanks man, “ said James, “That belongs to us.” Indicates yours truly.

“Um, actually, no, I have to go.”

…

Okay, so, she’s running once more. Aha!!!! The transporter.

“Beam me up Scotty!”

“Um, my name isn’t Scotty.”

“And???”

“Uh, okay, bye.”

“Whooooooo-eeeeeeeee. The entertainment has arrived!!!!!”

“Are you kidding me? Hey man, that’s my horse!!!!! Get away from him!!!”

“HIM?????? AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Jumps on the back of horse, starts to trot away

Traffic jam. Wouldn’t you know it, eh?

“Hey dude?”

“Yes.”

“Do you know what’s going on?”

“Yes.”

“Are you gonna, hang on, I’m getting some seriously de ja vu. Do I know you?”

“Yes.”

“Okay, so, are you gonna tell me?”

“For a small fee, I’ll tell you-”

“GODDAMN It I fucking knew it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You again!!!”

“Yes.”

“What do you want???”

From here we have some more flash language which she could understand as she is an expert at all things, being as fabulous as she is and all.

“Um, well, ah, the thing of it is right-”

“Sabrina, what are you doing?”

“Ah! Seven, thank you, what have you found out?”

“The captain wishes to remain here.”

“What??? Why???”

“She believes that the queen is her soul mate, they’ve been having lesbian intercourse all day.”

“Um, ew. TMI.”

“What is ‘TMI’?”

“Awwww, you’re like the lil mentally retarded child I never had nor wanted. It means Too much information.”

“Ahh, yes, how verrrry cunning of you.”

“I know.”

“I take it would be TMI for me to say that I joined in.”

“Oh for the love of God, you’re making your own way home.”

“You mean I can’t ride the pony?”

“No, and it’s a horse!!!”

Back on Voyager

“Okay, I am getting sick to death of this backdrop, we’re going home.”

“Erm, Captain?”

“Yes, sex slave?”

“It’s not a backdrop, it’s the stars of the universe.”

“Yeah, well, whatever, get back to the helm. And did I say you could put that hat on? No I did not, hats are scary. Plus, a hat… with a loincloth, I think not.”

“Sorry, ma’am.”

“Yes, well, never let it happen again.”

“Okay.”

“What time is it?”

“21:00 hours.”

“Damn, I can’t believe I got the two hottest guys in the world killed. Damn. Well, I’m going to bed now, you seen Elijah anywhere???”

“Erm no, ma’am, I did however hear him mumbling about revenge and his ‘precious.’”

“Damn. He had a relapse. Oh well, I’m gonna hit the pit. If something goes wrong, just fix it.”

Upon returning to her quarters, she put on her satin negligee…

-Blatant lie.

-le sigh- Upon retunring to her quarters, she put on her corset and garters…

-Blatant lie.

For God’s sake!!!!

--le sigh-, well, if you would insist on putting on clothes you don’t own then what do you expect?

Upon retuning to her quarters, she put on her pink-and-white-cow-pyjamas.

-Better.

Bitches.

“Honey, I’m home!!!”

“As are the rest of us,” added James, “Also, we found Elijah trying to jump into Mount Etna, so we brought him back too.”

“What’s he stroking?” I asked warily.

“Oh, it’s just a skanky old pretzel I found at the Leaky Couldron.”

“Oh, so you defeated Voldemort?”

“Yep.”

“And you got your chip thing done?”

“Yep.”

“Ahh, yes, I can see by the bloodstains between your teeth, you, ah, wanna go brush ‘em?”

“If I must,” replied James before traipsing off towards the bathroom.

“I was so good, if only you were there to see me.”

“Don’t worry bout it hun, I have you chipped, whatever you did I have on camera.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah.”

”Sweeeeeeet.”

“Verrr. So Elijah, what did you do today?”

“They stole it from us, precious, it was ours, and they stole’d it. I hates them, I HATES them!!!! Filthy riverfolk!!!!!!!!”

Elijah proceeds to spend the next few minutes having quiet time in the room next door. Amid the shrieks and bloodcurdling screams of some random characters.

The next morning.

“I’m bored.”

“What, you want to do it again, already!!!???”

“No, you aint got nothing left anyway, but I’m getting sick of this stupid spaceship.”

“Same here.”

“And here.”

“Daniel?”

“Yeah?”

“That’s you???”

“Yeah.”

“Wow, the boy who lived has skills.”

“Why thank you.”