My Heart, My Soul, My Everything

I looked at you, making out your face it the darkened room, seeing you so beautiful in your sleep, so peaceful. How could things be so perfect, but so hard? Watching you makes me happy, it makes me happy to know that you are mine, and that you will never stray from my side. Looking down at you, as I prop myself up on one elbow, I resist the urge to kiss you. I don’t want to wake you up, not after I know how stressed you’ve been lately. I do, however, reach over and brush a strand of your black hair away from your eyes, so I can clearly see your dark lashes meeting in sleep.

I sigh, and roll out of our bed, pulling on my jeans and tee shirt that sit on the chair next to the bed, before padding across the room to open up the door to the balcony. Stepping outside, I leave the door slightly ajar, so that if you happen to wake, then you might know where I have gone.

I allow the darkness to envelope me, the cool night air surround me, its huge arms folding around me. I sigh again, stopping at the balcony wall, to look out over the few trees that shield our retreat from the city lights that I can see glowing through the pine branches.

Everything that has happened has made us so much closer, all the times we had been so down, all the times you had thought about taking the easy way out. All the times I had talked you out of it, the time I had held you while you cried.

I look over my shoulder at the sound of the door creaking, to be met by your beautiful face. I smile, and turn around to face you, taking in your beauty, assessing the way that you have clothed yourself in only you black jeans.

“Hey, baby,” You smile in return, rubbing sleep from you eyes as you come to stand next to me, your arm going around my waist, the way it does every time you are near me. “Can’t you sleep?”

I shake my head in answer to your question, even though I know that you can’t see my movement. I let the silence draw out, before I add a spoken answer. “No, I couldn’t. Lately I never can.” I lean into your hold, wishing to be as close to you as possible.

“Is everything alright?” You ask, voice touched with deep concern.

I turn so I’m facing you, partially closing my eyes. I lean down to kiss you, meeting your lips as you turn your face towards me. Such beautiful lips, to match that beautiful face of yours. I kiss you softly, tenderly, moving my lips against yours, running my hands up your bare arms, and around to rest on your chest.

Pulling back slightly, I give you a reassuring smile. “Everything is fine!” My voice is sure, convincing, and I almost believe my self. But not everything is fine, there is a lot that is wrong.

I love you, I want you to know that, but all the things that I said to you, about always being here, they are lies now. I will not be here forever. I cannot be with you as an old man, not like you had told me I would be. I cannot stay here. I feel my heart sinking. I don’t want to leave you, not now, not when we have so much to live for. But it must be what God has wished. It is what the doctors told me was going to happen.

I pulled out of your arms, pushing past you to run inside. I can feel tears coming, but I don’t want you to see them, I don’t want you to know that I’m dieing. I don’t know how to tell you.

I rush through our bedroom to our adjoining bathroom. I lock the door behind me, sinking to the ground, pulling my knees up to my chest, resting my face on them. I let the tears go then, as I hear you footsteps stop at the door, and hear as you try the doorhandle.

“Baby?” I hear your voice, once again coated with worry. I feel bad because I am just adding to the stress in your life. I feel bad because I know that I now have the easy way out, that it is now going to be you who has to face this world alone.

“Cameron, baby, are you okay?” Your voice comes again, and I can only cry harder.

It’s not fair. Why do I have to die so young? Why do I have to leave you behind, when we should have so much more time together?

“I’m scared, David, I’m scared of what will happen!” I squeak out the words, having no control over my voice, no control over my body which is now convulsing with sobs.

“Cameron, what’s going to happen? I don’t under stand?”

I slowly push myself away from the door, flicking the lock as I do, allowing you to come in, hoping that I will be able to explain what is happening.

The door opens, and you come to kneel next to me, wrapping me in you strong arms when you see me crying. “Cameron, baby, what’s wrong? Please tell me what is happening. I don’t understand what is happening?”

I bury my head into your bare chest, breathing in your smell, drinking in the love that is radiating off of you, love that is for me.

Slowly I allow words to flow from my lips, knowing that it isn’t going to be easy for you to hear them, it’s not going to be easy for me to say them. “David, I don’t want to leave you, I don’t want to die!” I know you are confused, I can feel your body stiffen next to me.

“Your not going to die, Cameron, not for a long time, you don’t have to think about it.” You think you are reassuring me, but you don’t know. You don’t yet know that I am dieing, that you have no say in the matter.

“No, David.” I force myself away from you, for the second time since you have woken. Looking you in the eyes, I force my mouth to form the words that I know I have to say. “No, David, you’re wrong. I do have to think about it. I am dieing!”

I know your heart feels like it is stopping, mine did when the doctor told me that my problems, my head aches were all the symptoms of my cancer. My cancer that is going to take me away from you. If it does that, then I don’t want it to be mine. The cancer that is slowly eating away at me. Slowly taking time off my life clock. Slowly, but not slowly enough.

It is all happening to quickly for you, I know. It seemed quick for me too. One day there was nothing wrong with me, I was fine, we were out at the river, all of us, spending time together, with the family, everything was fine then. It was later that day, when I had to go to hospital, after I collapsed. It was then, that day I lied to you, the day that I told you it was just from dehydration. It was that day they found it.

“I’m dieing, David. I’m not going to be with you forever. The doctors said that I probably wouldn’t live until the end of the year.”

I wait, wait for you to say something, but you don’t. I know that you will be mad at me for not telling you sooner, for not allowing you to help decide if I was to undergo treatment or not. But I didn’t want to. They said that there was little chance of over coming this. They said the chemotherapy would only delay the inevitable.

I know that I have to explain to you what is going on. So I tell you. I tell you while we are sitting there on the bathroom floor. I tell you while you wrap your arms around me again. I tell you everything that they told me, and more. They didn’t tell me that it was going to be this hard to break it to you.

When I had finished, you didn’t say anything, not for along time, until you tilted my head back to kiss me. When you pulled back from the kiss, I could see tears in your eyes, and I knew that I wouldn’t have to go through this alone.

“I love you Cameron, I don’t want to let you go!” You whisper, your warm breath flowing over my cheeks. “I love you so much, I don’t want to be alone for the rest of my life. I don’t know if I will manage.”

I press a kiss onto your cheek, drawing back only slightly, so my lips brush against your skin when I talk. “David, I don’t want to leave you either, but I have to. Please, please just promise me that you will not give up. Don’t die when I do. I want you to live as I cannot. I want you to live for both of us.”

You nod slowly, your tears mingling with mine as our skin touches. “I promise you, my love. I will not give up. I will stay on for you, and in your memory, I shall live to be old. I shall live knowing, and wishing that you should be with me.”

I draw back out of our embrace slightly, so I can look deep into your dark brown orbs. “I will be with you, David, I will always be with you. I just won’t be physically here, not as I want to be. But as long as you and the others carry the memory of me, I will be with you all!” I can feel that my words are true. For this to be the very, very end of my existence, for me to truly die, then you all will have to forget me. And I can feel, and only hope that you will not, not for a long time.

You stand slowly, holding out a hand, and helping me to my feet. You lead me, then, back to our bed. We lay as we had been before, except this time, you wrap me firmly in your arms, and I know, that if I can not be with you forever, if I can not give you my life, then I shall give you what I can offer. I shall give you my heart, my soul and my everything, for as long as I shall live, and for as long as you remember my gifts.

The End