WTF

Episode One - Death, Porn, & Religion

SCENE 1 INT. living room/int. kitchen – DAY 1 09.30 (INTERCUT)

xander walks into the living room to find harry sitting on the couch in a spotlessly clean room.

xander:

This room is cleaner than the time the nun came to stay.

FlashBack:

the nun walks into the kitchen and slips on a pool of yellow liquid.

the nun:

Oh, God. Is that your pee?

xander:

Maybe.

the nun:

Clean it up now!

xander reaches slowly FoR a cloth. the camera zooms in on the eyes of the nun.

the nun:

With your tongue.

End Flashback:

harry is completely shocked at xander. there is a moment of uncomfortable silence. abby enters. she looks around the clean living room and suddenly becomes very scared. Her hand reaches up to cover her mouth.

abby:

Oh God. She isn’t back, is she?

cut to:

SCENE 2 int. living room/int. advertisement – day 1 10.00 (intercut)

xander and harry are sitting on the couch watching television and eating cereal. an advert comes on.

on television:

the advert guy dressed in a fine italian business suit walks through a sunny meadow. he turns to the camera and becomes serious.

advert guy:

Have you recently been made redundant because of one, many, or all, of the following reasons?

A checklist appears in eighties-style computer animation.

advert guy (v.o.):

Gross Incompetence?

Gross incompetence appears as a bullet-point.

advert guy (v.O.):

Financial Irregularities?

Financial irregularities appears as a bullet-point.

advert guy (V.o.):

A sexual encounter with the boss’s fifteen year-old daughter who you mistook for a hooker?

A sexual encounter with the boss’s fifteen year-old daughter who you mistook for a hooker appears as a bullet-point.

cut to:

the advert guy is now standing in a classroom with one knee on a chair and his jacket throw over his left shoulder.

advert guy:

Here at GlobeTechCom we have skilled job-finder type people who can even find jobs for total retards like you. POINTS AT SCREEN Call now and receive a free boat in the year 2150.

in the living room:

harry:

Hey, we need jobs. We should call them.

pan across tO reveal xander IS holding the phone to his ear.

xander:

Plus that boat would be awesome. (PAUSE) Hello? GlobeTechCom? My friend and I need a job. Does it matter if we’re not total retards? (PAUSE)

xander puts down the phone.

harry:

You forgot to press the buttons, didn’t you?

xander:

Yes. Yes, I did.

cut to:

SCENE 3. INT CID DEPARTMENT IN A POLICE STATION – DAY 1 11.30

ABBY is sitting behind a desk filling in paperwork.

ABBY:

God, I hate paperwork. I waste three hours every day on this crap. Time that could be spent doing proper police work.

police man #1 spins round on a SWIVEL chair from the desk behind Abby.

police man #1:

Yeah, like beating up black people.

ABBY:

Gary, I’ve told you before you can’t do that anymore. This is a modern police force in a multicultural nation. We can’t go around beating up black people.

police Man #1:

Which minority can we beat up then?

abby checks a piece of paper.

ABBY:

Muslims.

CHIEF POPS HIS HEAD OUT OF HIS OFFICE.

chief:

Abby! Get in here, now!

abby:

Yes, sir.

scene 4. int. chief’s offce – day 11.32

chief is sitting with his back to abby in BLACK leather swivel chair. he is staring out of the window. in between abby and the chief is a large antique desk. to her left is a bedroom cupboard that looks completely out of place.

abby:

What is it, sir?

chief swings round wildly in his chair to face abby.

chief:

There’s a sir in here?

abby:

(PAUSE) Yes, sir. You, sir.

chief:

Oh. I thought maybe one of the Knights of the Round Table had travelled through time to avenge a grudge against me.

abby:

Why would a Knight of the Round Table have a grudge against you?

chief turns his chair to face the window again. he dreamily looks out of the window. the screen begins to go into flashback mode. the sound of CHILDREN LAUGHING and horses neighing can be heard followed by a large explosion, then silence.

chief:

No reason.

chief spins round in his chair to face abby.

chief:

I’ve called you in here because I have a case for you. You’re not afraid of graveyards, are you?

abby:

(JOKINGLY) As long as they don’t have flesh-eating zombies in them.

chief flicks through the file on the desk in front of him

chief:

Flesh-eating, you say?

abby:

What’s the case?

chief:

There have been a series of thefts at the graveyard.

abby:

What’s there to steal in a graveyard?

chief:

(DRAMATIC PAUSE) Bodies.

abby:

Excuse me? Did you say bodies?

chief:

Let me check.

chief opens a draw and pulls out a tape recorder. he rewinds it and plays the previous conversation from the ‘what’s there to steal in a graveyard?’ line.

chief:

Yes.

abby:

That’s gross.

chief:

Indeed. Someone has been stealing bodies from the graveyard at Houghton-on-sea. Find out who did it by sunset tomorrow or else!

chief laughs like an evil genius.

abby:

Sir, you have gravy on your tie.

chief:

Bugger.

abby picks up the file and leaves. the chief waits until she has exited then stands up and walks to a cupboard. He opens both doors.

chief:

It is done.

Two men in suits are revealed to be standing in the cupboard. they are both slightly too tall for it and therefore have to bend their necks to fit.

cupboard man #1:

Excellent.

all three men laugh like evil genuises.

cupboard man #2

You have gravy on your tie.

chief angrily shuts the cupboard doors.

CUT TO:

SCENE 5. int. job agency – day 1 12.30

job agency girl is standing IN front of twelve men who are sitting at school desks in three rows of four. they all have a piece of paper and a pencil in front of them. job agency girl holds her copy of the piece of paper IN THE AIR.

job agency girl:

Now, if you could all fill in this questionnaire that would be lovely. It helps us to determine which sort of employment you are best suited for. If you have any questions then don’t hesitate to ask.

xander puts up his hand.

xander:

I’ve got one. What do I put down for this one?

xander points to a section of his piece of paper.

job agency girl:

Oh, I’m sorry. That’s a coffee stain. I must have spilt some when swotting a fly earlier.

xander:

Uh-huh. And what about this one?

xander points to the exact same spot again.

job agency girl:

Err…that’s the coffee stain again.

xander:

Oh, right. What about…?

job agency girl:

The stain.

xander:

Right.

CUT TO:

SCENE 6. int. job agency – day 1 12.40

harry is bent over his desk studying the piece of paper very carefully.

harry (V.O.):

Question eight. What is your favourite colour? A. Red, like blood dripping from a dead carcass in a slaughterhouse. B. Green, like the green cut by landscaper. C. Yellow, like the hands of a fast food employee after they have been to the toilet.

CUT TO:

SCENE 7. INT. JOB AGENCY – DAY 1 14.00

job agency girl hands out a printed slip of paper to each of the twelve men.

job agency girl:

Here are your results.

xander:

Wait a minute. There’s got to be some kind of mistake. Mine says assistant to a funeral director.

JOB agency girl:

Let me see that.

job agency girl studies xander’s slip of paper.

job agency girl:

No, it’s right. See, you have an extremely high death score.

xander:

Oh, okay. TO HARRY What does your say?

harry:

Cameraman to porno films.

xander:

Oh, you’ve have got to be kidding me!

CUT TO:

SCENE 8. ext. graveyard – day 2 09.00

abby walks into the graveyard.

abby:

Hello? Is there anyone there?

an old man steps out from behind a gravestone.

old man:

Boo!

abby jumps in shock.

abby:

Jesus, you scared the crap out me!

old man:

Sorry, thought you were an American tourist. (beat) What brings you to the graveyard this lovely day? Did someone die? I bet someone died. Let me guess, I have a gift for this sort of thing. Was it your mother? Unloving evil step-sister? Half-brother with deformed hand? Dog with three eyes?

ABBY:

I’m detective Hersowitz. I’m here about the…

old man:

Missing bodies? Yeah, terrible business that. What sort of world is it where you can’t be buried in peace?

abby:

Yes, I know. That’s why I need you to tell me everything you know about the thefts.

old man:

Well, I don’t know anything myself. But I do know a few people who saw who did it.

Abby:

(EXCITED) Oh, great.

old man:

And by people I really mean wolves.

abby:

(DEFLATED) Oh, great.

OLD MAN:

But it’s okay. I speak wolf.

abby:

(CONFUSED) Oh. Great?

the old man enters a shed. abby goes to follow but he stops her from doing so.

old man:

Best you don’t come any closer. They don’t like women. They hate their cold calculating hearts hidden under a spuriously romantic hallmark-inscribed cloak of bitterness from which they plan their evil manipulations to ruin the lives of men.

abby:

Okay.

the old man sticks his head in the shed. abby listens for noise but there is none.

abby:

Funny how wolf sounds just like silence.

old man:

Shh! I can’t hear them speak.

abby:

Don’t mind me. I’m just gently mocking your dementia.

old man:

Okay. They said they saw a man in a tall black hat arrive on the night of the 26th. He spent several hours digging up three graves and removing the bodies. He then placed the bodies inside of a hearse and drove off in a westerly direction. On the side of the hearse was the name of the funeral parlour and its address, including postcode, contact telephone number, and website. The wolves apologise they can’t be more specific but they were distracted by a sock.

abby looks shocked.

CUT TO:

SCENE 9. INT. FILM STUDIO – DAY 2 09.00

harry walks onto to the film set and is greeted by FILM DIRECTOR who is in his late fifties and wears an indiana jones-style hat.

FILM DIRECTOR:

You must be my new cameraman. Welcome to the set. I assume you have plenty of experience with the sort of cameras you’ll be using.

harry:

Actually I’ve never filmed anything before in my life.

FILM DIRECTOR:

Never mind, it’s not that difficult. You point it in the right direction and, I can’t stress this enough, remember to turn it on. Now, if you come this way we’re about to start shooting.

harry:

Err, what film are you making?

FILM DIRECTOR:

Assitania. It’s the story of a poor little peasant girl from the backwaters of rural Romania who dreams of running her own multi-national steel corporation. So, she has sex with a goat.

harry:

Why a goat?

FILM DIRECTOR:

The goat represents the tyrannical control of men and their repeated attempts to crush her spirit and destroy her dream.

harry:

Yeah, but a goat? Isn’t that a little sick?

FILM DIRECTOR:

(PAUSE) No.

harry:

Are you sure?

FILM DIRECTOR:

(PAUSE) Yes.

harry:

Oh, okay.

CUT TO:

harry being sick in an alleyway.

SCENE 10. INT. Funeral Palour – Day 2 09.00

reginald - a man in his early thirties and in a smart business suit – enters the funeral palour. he is accompanied by jeremy – a man also in his early thirties but a much slopper dresser.

reginald:

I mean, why would you say that? On the day of my wife’s funeral and all.

jeremy:

Ex-wife.

reginald:

Jesus! Would you shut up with that already?

jeremy:

I’m just trying to help the grieving process.

reginald:

No, you’re helping the ‘getting me pissed off’ process.

xander enters the funeral parlour and approaches reginald.

xander:

Hello. You must be the funeral director. I’m Xander, you’re new assistant.

reginald:

Err…I’m not the funeral director. I’m here because my wife died.

jeremy:

Ex-wife.

reginald:

Seriously, man, if you don’t quit that I’m going to beat you so bad you won’t be able to (PAUSE) I’m just going to beat you, okay?

XANDER turns to face jeremy.

Xander:

Hello. You must be the funeral director. I’m Xander, you’re new assistant.

jeremy:

I’m with him.

jeremy points at reginald.

xander:

Oh.

xander sidesteps so that he is now in front of a cardboard cut-out of geoffrey boycott, which has a speech bubble saying ‘our prices are so low they’ll hit you for six’.

xander:

Hello. You must be the funeral director. I’m Xander, you’re new assistant.

reginald:

(PAUSE) That’s a cardboard cut-out of legendary cricketer and infamous wife-beater Geoffrey Boycott.

xander:

Oh.

funeral director enters from a side door, which is covered by a black curtain. funeral director is dressed entirely in black with a small scythe pin on his jacket. he is wearing a tall black hat. he approaches reginald with an out-stretched hand.

funeral director:

Dr Livingston, I presume?

reginald:

Yes.

funeral director:

I’m afraid there will be a slight delay before we can bring out your wife.

reginald:

Why?

funeral director:

Well, there has been a complication.

reginald:

Complication? What sort of complication?

xander:

Hello. You must be the funeral director. I’m Xander, you’re new assistant.

funeral director:

Ah, excellent. Not to worry, sir. We’ll soon have your wife spic and span, and ready for her funeral. Now, come with me Xander. We have a lot of work to do.

funeral director leads xander through the side door.

reginald:

What sort of complications? Hey! What have you done to my wife?

jeremy:

Ex-wife.

reginald:

Oh, it’s on.

CUT TO:

SCENE 11. INT. COFFIN ROOM – DAy 2 09.05

The coffin room of the funeral parlour has row after row of coffins, a la raiders of the lost ark. funeral director leads xander to one particular coffin above which there is a theme park-style sign, which reads ‘Rhino section’.

funeral director:

Here’s Mrs Livingston.

xander:

Err…Hello?

funeral director:

She’s dead.

xander:

You can tell that just by looking at her?

funeral director:

(PAUSE) We have a slight bit of a problem with Mrs Livingston, more accurately with her coffin. More accurately still, with the previous occupant of your job who had difficulty with measuring. Even more accurately…

xander:

What’s the problem?

funeral director:

Her coffin is too small.

xander:

Like the Greek myth?

funeral director:

What Greek myth?

xander:

You know, the one where people don’t fit an innkeeper’s beds so he cuts off their legs. (PAUSE) Or maybe that was an episode of the Good Life.

F/X – The good life theme

xander happily listens to the music while funeral director stares at him as if he’s mad.

cut to:

SCENE 12. int. film studio – day 2 10.00

harry is standing with the film director in a corridor.

HARRY:

I’m sorry about earlier. I think it was something she ate.

film director:

Don’t worry. People are sick all the time on porn sets, though it usually because most of the actresses are bulimic. Well, anyway, the important thing is that the police don’t bust us.

harry:

I suppose.

film director:

What we’re doing here is highly illegal and you could go to prison for at least ten years if the police found out. Now, let’s get started on the next film.

A group of ten midgets wearing zippy from rainbow costumes walk past.

harry:

What’s the next film called?

film director:

A group of midgets gangbang a drunk college chick whilst dressed as Zippy from the children’s television show Rainbow.

SCENE 13. int. coffin room/int. funeral parlour – day 2 09.30 (intercut)

funeral director and xander are behind Mrs livingston’s coffin trying to fit her body into it.

funeral director:

Push! Push! Breath. Push! Push! Hold up a minute.

They stop pushing.

funeral director:

It’s no use. This is never going to work.

xander:

You better think of something quick. I don’t know how much longer your stalling tactic will last.

CUT TO:

reginald reading a sign which says ‘we apologise for the delay. this is due to the wrong type of leaves on the line.’ at the bottom of the sign in small writing is ‘this sign is property of british rail and allied biscuits.’

CUT TO:

funeral director:

Think man, think. What can we do? What can we do?

xander:

I’ve got it. How about if we…?

xander trails off into an inaudible whisper.

funeral director:

Sorry, I didn’t catch that last bit.

xander:

I said, how about if we…?

xander trails off into another inaudible whisper.

funeral director:

Nope, didn’t get it that time either.

xander:

Look, it’s quite simple.

FREEZE-FRAME

xander (V.o.):

It was at that moment that I first realised how much in love I was with…

END OF FREEZE-FRAME

funeral director:

Yeah, you sort of freeze-framed on that one.

CUT TO:

SCENE 14. INT. funeral parlour/int. funeral parlour 2 – day 2 09.45 (intercut)

reginald and jeremy are standing by the british rail sign.

reginald:

If they don’t bring out my wife soon…(PAUSE)

reginald looks at jeremy but he doesn’t say anything.

reginald:

…I’m going to go somewhere else.

jeremy:

Can you do that? Switch funeral parlours?

reginald:

Sure, my cousin Brian does it all the time.

CUT TO:

brian looking at his stopwatch while someone furiously applies make-up to a dead old lady.

brian:

4, 3, 2, 1! That’s it. Time’s up. You’re too slow. Come on, Grandma.

brian picks up the body of the dead old lady in a fireman’s carry and walks out the funeral parlour.

CUT TO:

funeral director enters from the side door.

funeral director:

I am happy to inform you that your wife is now ready.

reginald:

It’s about bloody time.

funeral director:

Xander, if you please.

xander enters pushing Mrs Livingston’s coffin. her two feet are clearly visible sticking out of the coffin. two smiley faces have been drawn on the soles of her feet in black felt-tip pen.

reginald:

What the hell?

funeral director:

Yes, I know. It is a fine coffin, made of ancient wood from pirate ship if I am not mistaken.

reginald:

No, her feet. What have you done to her feet?

funeral director:

Oh, them. We have draw two smiley faces on them.

reginald:

(PAUSE) Why?

funeral director:

It’s tradition. Goes all the way back to the Romans I believe.

reginald:

It is tradition to draw two smiley faces on the feet of dead bodies and then have them sticking out of what is obviously too small a coffin?

funeral director:

Yes.

reginald:

(PAUSE) All right, whatever. Shove her in the furnace. I’ve got a golf game to get too.

funeral director:

Very good, sir.

funeral director gives a hand signal to xander and he pushes the coffin into the furnace located at the other end of the funeral parlour. as he closes the door of the furnace he turns up a dial on the control panel.

funeral director:

Ashes to ashes, dust-to-dust, blah, blah, blah. May she rest in peace.

funeral director turns to reginald.

funeral director:

That’ll be four grand please.

cUT TO:

SCENE 15. INT. Funeral PArlour – day 2 15.00

abby enters the funeral parlour. the funeral director is cleaning the front window. xander is nowhere to be seen.

abby:

Are you the funeral director of this funeral parlour?

funeral director:

Yes.

abby:

Do you own a tall black hat and a hearse?

funeral director:

Yes.

abby:

Where were you on the night of the 26th?

funeral director:

Stealing bodies.

abby:

A-ha!

funeral director:

A-ha, what?

abby:

I’m a detective investigating the disappearance of three bodies from the Houghton-on-sea graveyard.

funeral director:

Bodies? I said fodies. I was making fodies on the night of the 26th.

abby:

Fodies?

funeral director:

It’s a religious thing. I’m Irish (PAUSE) (BAD IRISH ACCENT) So, I am. I love my Guinness!

abby:

Touché.

FUNERAL DIRECTOR:

That’s French.

abby:

Do you want me to arrest you? Because I will. I know the speech and everything. You know, the one about the right to remain silent. To tell you the truth I never liked that speech. It kind of gives the game anyway, doesn’t it? I mean, we don’t want you lot to remain silent but we tell you can if you want. Seems kind of stupid to me. I think it would be much better if we asked you if you knew your rights and if you said no we hit you on your head. Everyone would quickly get to know their rights if we did that.

funeral director:

If I tell you what happened will you stop talking?

abby:

Yes.

funeral director:

I sold them to a porn studio.

abby:

Which one?

CUT TO:

SCENE 16. INT. PORN STUDIO – DAY 2 18.00

harry is vomitting in a bin with the film director standing next to him.

film director:

Sorry this didn’t work out Harry. Here I have a little something for you.

harry:

Oh, I couldn’t possibly accept…

the film director pulls out a carrier bag.

film director:

It’s just a few of our latest products.

harry grabs the bag.

harry:

Thank you.

harry shakes the film director’s hand and exits through an emergency exit into an alleyway. just as he exits abby enters through the front door along with a group of armed police officers.

ABBY:

You’re under arrest. Do you know your rights?

Film Director:

No.

abby hits film director on the head.

CUT TO:

SCENE 17. int. living room/ ext. woodland – day 2 19.00 (intercut)

xander enters to the flat to find harry sitting on the couch watching television.

xander:

Hey.

harry:

Hey.

xander sits down next to harry and watches television with him.

xander:

Is working on a porno everything I imagine it is?

Harry:

Does the Pope shit in the woods?

CUT TO:

the pope is crouching in the middle of wood desperately trying to have a shit.

the pope:

Jesus Christ!

the camera pans across to reveal jesus crouching next to the pope. he is also desperately trying to have a shit. jesus stops and look directly at the camera.

jesus:

What?

the end