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Unguarded, If Only for a Moment
Sea breeze was a much talked about term that I had never remembered feeling in my entire life. Having sat on many a beach’s sandy shores, it amazed me that I could not remember the calmness that others had experienced before me. It should have been something that stuck in my memory, forever glued to my subconscious, only to return whenever I stepped foot on the warm grains of sand leading me to the endlessly green expanse of water. However, I felt nothing when I thought about my days as a child on Newport Beach, kicking sand up in the air to land inevitably on someone else’s sandwich.
Now, here I was, though, sitting out on the very edge of the giant rock bridge, known as the Jetty, and admiring the cool mist in the air as each individual wave crashed against the smooth, weathered rocks. They had been beaten by years upon centuries of harsh thrashing by the waters of the Gulf of Mexico. I admired the light green color of the water, caused not by pollution but Mother Nature herself. Only being exposed to the quiet blue waters of the Pacific, I was transfixed by green, wanting to reach my hand deep into the water to grab a handful of the beautiful liquid. A great fear stopped me as I looked into its depths not seeing anything that remotely resembled the algae-covered bottom. Who knew how deep the waters were out here? We had walked more than a mile out into the sea, leaving the beach and life itself far behind us in our lengthening shadows.
I glanced over at my two companions, Chelsea and Tiffany, both sitting complacently on top of one of the giant rocks perched on the edge of forever. It was our senior trip, our last taste of togetherness before we went our separate ways. Actually, I was the only one brave enough to trudge on the unbeaten road by enrolling in a college that a minimal number of our peers chose to attend. Both of my associates were going to a college that had been deemed “Clarksville High School: Part Two” by a witty group of students that graduated many years before us. They were going to a deathtrap, and I knew it but kept silent about their decision. Maybe they were meant to stay in our small town for the rest of their mortal lives, while I was destined to go somewhere else in the world. I had always felt trapped in the protective arms of our community, struggling just for a gasp of freedom while my companions nestled deeper and deeper into its warm embrace.
Chelsea flipped her hair over her shoulders; the disappearing sun reflected off the orange strands, blinding me for a brief second. Squinting into the sun, she continued to stare off into the distance, trying to judge what was out there. Unconsciously, she covered her engagement ring with right hand, hiding it from the gaze of the rest of the world. It was hard to believe that she was only eighteen and already planning to marry. We had all told her about it, beating the information about the fate of many immature unions into her gullible mind, but she had refused to listen. Even though it was hidden from my sight, I could tell that her ring was burning insecurity into her heart.
On the other side of Chelsea, I could only see Tiffany’s feet hanging over the end of the rock. A long time ago, she had forsaken her sandals, and now she remained barefoot. Unable to read her thoughts, I assumed that they only rested on one of her many boyfriends. Tiffany amazed me to the point where almost everything she said to me was incomprehensible. I constantly misunderstand all of her thought processes and her ambitions. To tell the truth, I didn’t think she even understand the true meaning of having ambitions and goals. She lived for one thing and one thing only: to get married and have a family. That single thought had been drilled into her head by both her family and her church since she was barely able to stand up by herself. Family was the only thing that made sense to her. It was the sole reason why she was here on this earth.
Improbable as it was that I would be friends with this pair, I had by now gotten used to the idea of being the outsider, the misunderstood. Our friendship had begun in the early years of junior high school, and I presume that it probably ended there as well. I was so different from them that nobody could understand why I still clung to them. Maybe it was because being around them was something to which I had grown accustomed. Years of being in their presence had conditioned me to the solitary life of girly sleepovers with bad movies that held no relevancy to our lives and the general feeling of being alone in the world. They did not understand me. I didn’t even understand me.
Change hurt, and I hated it with a passion. In my heart, however, I knew that I had transformed since we first became friends. I had altered to the point where I was completely different from the girl that they had accidentally became friends with in some long forgotten class. Even now, as I stared out at the endless expanse of water before me, I could feel myself changing. What part of my personality would change was unknown to me, but I could feel myself slipping. Things were going to change; I could feel it in the sea breeze that casually ruffled my short brown hair.
Turning to look at Chelsea next to me, I fought to come up with the words to describe what we were experiencing, but nothing came to me. There were no words to describe where we were, where we had come from, and where we were going. After hearing the classic speech entailing how I was never going to talk to my high school friends again after leaving for college, I had spent all of my senior year telling myself that it wouldn’t happen. Now, as we sat in this random place in the Gulf of Mexico with only quiet fishermen surrounding us, I realized the truth in that statement. Chelsea and Tiffany would both lead their separate lives that would not include me or each other. We would all become memories to each other, short reminders of what high school was like.
There weren’t words to describe this place or our friendship, but somehow amidst the confusion, my mouth formed into a smile. It wasn’t a soft, barely noticeable smile either. My lips curved up into one of the hugest smiles in my whole life. A slight wisp of laughter escaped from my throat, and I didn’t fight to keep it caged, never to be heard. Chelsea and Tiffany looked over at me, confused. I had destroyed their moment of silence and their personal thoughts. My laughter increased by the second, and they laughed along uneasily, not understanding the humor in the situation. Finally, they were left out of the joke, and I remained triumphant and unattached from their scrutinizing glares.
For once in my life, I felt the freedom of choice granted to me by the sea breeze. Maybe Chelsea and Tiffany did, too, but I knew they would lose it the moment that we got back into the car and drove the long distance home. With me, however, the truth was uncovered, never to be hidden from me again. I had seen my future in the deep, green depths of the ocean and the orange blaze of the setting sun. A life devoid of my petty high school insecurities and fears appeared before me and then vanished in the very next instance. The disappearance failed to daunt me, however, for in one brief occurrence I had seen inside of my soul. I finally understood myself, as it weird as it might sound. Even though I was going on a separate road, I had no fear, for all roads lead somewhere, whether to pain or happiness.
