"Tarquin, you're going to go sleep at your cousins house while I head off to my needlepoint convention. Bring a friend."

"Aw mom, damn it." Cousin Tent was really gay, and I hated everything about him. He had a back arch that made him look like he was lightning shaped, and he always served eggs for every meal.

"Mom, I hate Cousin Tent. Pleeeeaaaassseee bring me with you."

"No."

The bus pulled up at Cousin Tents a week later with Denny and I on board. Keeeersch. We weren't allowed to bring any suitcases on the trip because my mom said that suitcases are for girls and children, so we had to shove all our clothes under our shirts, and people asked about it and it was embarassing.
"But you are children."
"The strongest children in the universe."

I landed with a thud on the bed and the corner broke, so I rolled onto the floor and all my pants spilled out where they belonged.

"I love pants. Damn."

"Yeah, pants love you back homo." Denny was such a fag.

"Shut the fuck up Denny. I love R-"

"Finish that sentence."

"No. Fuck off." Then we got into a fight, and blew a hole in the wall, and it took us like 4 hours to repair. The sun and wind still come in through the cracks and it's terrible.

Denny and I had to share a singles bed, and it was gay. We kept rolling into each other because it was all broken and shit. Cousin Tent read to us until we fell asleep, and it was this terrible fucking story about aliens and garbage like that. At about 2 AM I was woken up by god awful yelling, but went back to sleep because I don't give in to terrorist demands... Or something.

"Wake up, Shit." Cousin Tent gave us nicknames. I was Shit and Denny was also Shit. It made things hard. "We gots some eggs to make."

I reached deep inside the hens back hole and pulled out an egg.

"This is really warm, Cousin Tent..."

"Gooood, then it's already started ta cook."

"I fucking hate you Cousin Tent."

"I hate you too, Tent." Denny was a follower.

"Shit, grab me some flour." I grabbed a bag of flour, and Denny grabbed these ugly petunia motherfuckers, and we both got into a big fight which ended with a broken stove and no love.

We went to sleep real fast that night, but I was woken up again late in the night by loud yelling that pierced my soul the way a scalpel never could.

"Alright motherfucker, what'choo want?" I woke up Denny who punched me in the face and went over to the wall where the screaming was coming from. We ran our hands all over the flower wallpaper searching for a secret entrance but eventually decided we were idiots and moved the dresser, which revealed to us a badass locked hatch.

"Man, Tarquin, that hatch is locked."

"Fuck off Denny." I grabbed the lock and crushed it with my fingers.

The hatch sprung open and hit me in the knees and I yelled really loud and fell over, waking up Cousin Tent. A little girl sprawled out on the floor, breathing loudly, covered in smelly shit, and barely able to move. She grabbed onto Denny, who hit her in the face. Scared and bleeding, the child crawled towards the other side of the room.

"Holy shit dude."

Cousin Tent rushed in with a shotgun, and aimed it at us.

"WHAT'RE YOU DOING AWAKE?" We weren't sure why he had a shotgun. I just figured he was psychic and hoped that it ran in the family. He quickly spotted the little girl and fired his hillbilly weapon at us. I grabbed the bullets and threw them at him, his head exploding from the fearsome might of my bullet toss extraordinaire.

"Little girl, where you from?" Denny asked, pushing his finger against her forehead.

"Bluesberry," she meekly responded, fear in her eyes.

"Shit, she's the missing kid Tarquin." Denny looked over at me with a look of disgust. I was investigating her chamber, a small unlit metallic room with bowls of dog food splayed out, and shit and vomit covering half the room, visible only under the cold and sickly beam of my flashlight.

"Damn, it must've sucked living in here."

We had to walk home with her, because the bus never comes back, and it was sad the whole way. Taking turns carrying her was fun though. I got a medal for bravery and Denny got a medal for being gay, which I thought was pretty funny.