The familiar scent of alcohol disinfectant fills my nose

The thin gown I clutch around me tightly

Keeps my body cold

The paper covered exam table crackles underneath me

Here comes the moment of truth

The time I’ve been dreading

And at the same time looking forward to

I’m battling this monster

That’s also my best friend

I want to free myself from its clutches

But I also want to hug it

And never ever let it go

The scale looms tall in front of me

And by now I’m shaking hard inside

But I try to hold up a façade

Of being totally okay

Because I already know

What the doctor will say.

“Weight doesn’t matter,

It’s just a random number on a scale

It shouldn’t dictate your day

Or how you feel”

Her words just don’t feel real

I’m battling this monster

That’s also my best friend

I want to free myself from its clutches

But I also want to hug it

And never ever let it go

Slowly I walk towards the scale

Knowing the number that I read

Could make or break my week

I can feel my heartbeat

All the way down to my feet

Suddenly my stomach seems to be bulging out

My arms are swollen

My legs are logs

I try to tell myself it’s a distortion, an illusion, not real

But those words taste like lies

And shatter on the ground

I’m battling this monster

That’s also my best friend

I want to free myself from its clutches

But I also want to hug it

And never ever let it go

One foot hits the scale

Then on slides the other

I hold my breath as the metal clinks

And the nurse pushes the slider towards the left

Eighty-four pounds

I failed again.

I’m three pounds lighter

But I’m not low enough

Part of me realizes sadly

I’ll never be low enough for me

Until I free myself

From this monster I still need

I’m battling this monster

That’s also my best friend

I want to free myself from its clutches

But I also want to hug it

And never ever let it go.

I hate you but I love you. Anorexia.