long long life

12/17/06

ne me quitte pas.
doesn’t matter what she’s saying,
doesn’t matter what she means,
listening to her voice
calms me,
sooths me,
creating a more sane me.

smoking on the porch,
thinking of what has happened
to me.
abuse—
physical, verbal.
i’ve lived a long long life.
heart break and heart ache.
yearning for that which
i am not allowed to
have, hold, touch, love.
i’ve lived a long long life.

i taste nothing but her sweet flesh
upon my mouth,
day after day after day.
wanting to taste her all over,
outside and inside.
wishing she was here
beside me
to comfort me and to hold me.
i’ve lived a long long life.

christmas lights are hung,
christmas time is near—
but where’s the christmas cheer?
i can’t feel it,
deep in my bones,
deep in my soul.
has it gone?
has it slipped away from me?
i’ve lived a long long life.

people come, people go—
some see me, some don’t.
am i invisible?
am i not worth remembering?
have i changed so much—
that no one can recognize me?
i promised i would not change
significantly…
but change has come to me
anyway.
i’ve lived a long long life.