I am Time Magazine's Person Of The Year

By John Westcott

I was driving by the newsstand the other day at a speed that would probably give Ricky Bobby pause and noticed the most recent issue of Time Magazine ('Huge Pink Nipples Weekly' was sold out). I was delighted to find out that I, ME, have been named their person of the year. They even put my face on the cover, coincidentally wearing the same clothes for the photo that I was wearing to get groceries. Was my mind blown! I wasn't even campaigning for it this year!

Now, maybe I'm too hung over from Sunday night Christmas parties (actually, there's no 'maybe' about it, my eyes burn like two piss holes in the snow), but you'd think that with all the great things being done this year by people who've had a lot more press than me, perhaps one of them would actually be given this honor. Granted, I've been working hard in my backyard, attempting to harness the power of the atom, while simultaneously working hard to cure all known diseases (Black Plauge?? GONE!! YESSSS!! Me? One! Diseases? Zero!!) and master the pan flute from my sensei, The Mighty Zamfir, but still the world is in such a great place now it's hard to imagine why any of our illustrious world leaders or roll models haven't been given this incredible accolade.

The greatest leaders of our times, from George W. Bush and his cronies, who has clearly made the world a better place (for Haliburton) by hunting down and shooting all those terrorists and spreading democracy (via civil war and mass executions in the streets), or the ineffective Democrats who, rather than fight for their beliefs, lined up behind the El Presidente and followed him blindly rather than do what they felt was right (apparently using 'The Force' because they were clearly blindfolded), to the mighty U.N., who are clearly at the height of their potency. Look at that Ban Ki-Moon. He's a walking viagra pill. I get a stiffy just looking at him. No doubt, the U.N. will be kicking ass and taking names for years to come.

And what of our moral and spiritual guides... our religious leaders? Well, they're getting off the crack, which is a start. Better times ahead, just call 1-800-money4god and donate so that things can turn around.

What about world disasters like Darfur? We're all over that. That wee little problem won't exist come 07... probably because everyone in Darfur will probably be dead.

Come to think of it... why not me? I go to work and treat my wife like a queen. I rub her feet when they're sore and tell her that no matter what she wears, she doesn't 'look fat in that'. I don't drink heavily (okay, Sunday's Christmas party was the exception, not the rule), or womanize. I even clean the house on occasion.In no way does that embolden the terrorists.

Basically, I haven't killed anyone and I don't shit my pants on a regular basis, which puts me at least on a par with our illustrious world leaders, no matter what side of the political spectrum they represent. I am starting to see why I made the cover of Time Magazine. Why not me? I'm at least as ineffectual as they are.

Hmmmmm, my wife just picked up an issue of Time and says she's been named person of the year.

sigh

Women.

In closing, thank God I'm hung like an elephant and don't have diarrhea .

Happy Christmaskwanzaka!

JW - When in doubt... empty the magazine. -