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And thanks again to all the people reading this! I wish you all a Merry Christmas!
Chapter 6: I’ll Be Home For Christmas, Or Else…
“…Down the Chimney St. Nick always comes with a bound. But for now he was dressed in all fur from his head to his foot, and his clothes had yet to be tarnished with ashes and soot. His eyes – how they twinkled, his dimples so merry! His droll little mouth was drawn up in a bow and he should have had a beard just as white as the snow. He had a thin rather than broad face and his belly did not shake like a bowl full of jelly. He wasn’t chubby or plump and the Hunter couldn’t laugh when she saw him, in spite of herself…”
A few minutes later I stopped stomping and leaned against one of the buildings. Come on, I wasn’t that stupid. Where would I go if I just picked a direction and stomped in it? I’d never get home that way. I was suddenly very tired and wanted to go home. I also wanted people to fix their own problems and to un-banish the Easter Bunny – because I felt awful doing that, even if he did call me names and if Dale were here he would have called me on acting off my feelings instead of off my logic skills. So I stood and waited for Witrick to get the hint and catch up to me. But before he could I heard merry cheers and singing.
“Well, Santa’s officially told the elves he’s back,” I said to myself
But the cheering didn’t die down. If anything, it was getting louder and louder. I finally turned to look and saw a wave of elves starting towards me. Now, that was my cue to up and run, so I turned to do just that and found myself barely a hair’s breath away from Witrick. He was smiling, damn him.
“Human, where are you off to?” he asked
“Anywhere they’re not,” I answered
“Now, that would be a shame. You see, they want to thank the human that saved Christmas and that human is you, Human,” he informed me needlessly
“What ever happened to Anonymous Benefactor?” I asked as he tugged me towards the crowd
“We’re elves; we’d know. You did a very good thing this year, Kale Slater. We elves always know.”
I highly doubted they knew everything but didn’t get the chance to voice this revelation before I was surrounded by elves. You know, whoever thought elves were short never saw these ones. They were taller than I was in some cases. There were a few little ones, but they were obviously children. I sighed and wondered when they would be finished? They didn’t back off until they started clearing a path for a red-clad figure. I could tell it was Nicholas from where I was standing, but I was kind of off in my own little world. He was wearing a coat that was about three sizes too big and I had many different reasons why running through my head.
“Cookies,” Witrick muttered in my ear “And then some magic once he’s done stuffing himself. Would it kill you humans to put out carrots and water or something?”
I smirked at his words and Santa smiled at me as he got closer. He finally stopped in front of me and beamed at me. Well, this was unexpected; no one had ever beamed at me before.
“Kale Slater – yes, the real Santa knows exactly who you are – you have done the North Pole a great service,” Santa stated “And for that I owe you much; including my life. So it is with great thanks that we, the residences of this humble village, make you an honorary elf!”
Oh joy…
“As an honorary elf, I would be honored if you would consider yourself part of Elf Security and the Santa Guard;” Witrick threw in “For you did manage to save Santa where we could not and it is our job.”
I gaped at him for a moment and then at Santa and back to Witrick again. Man, this was too much.
“I just threw a bunch of blessed herbs at him,” I confessed “Anyone could have done that.”
“But not everyone did,” Santa reminded “Merry Christmas, Kale.”
“Why don’t you kiss her, you cheating bastard!” Mrs. Claus slurred the first part, but we all heard the second part loud and clear. I suspected that eggnog was not kid friendly
“Nicholas, you have some time to spare. Why don’t you take Miss Slater home?” Witrick suggested
“I thought you wanted to do that?” Santa looked confused
“Well, after talking with the human, I have decided some things need to be taken care of sooner rather than later, even if it will hurt for a time,” Witrick explained and Santa merely shrugged
“Alright then. If you’d care to join me?”
Santa Claus was offering me his arm and smiling like a sexy actor or model or something…and I was standing there like an idiot. I quickly latched onto him and smiled at Witrick before walking back with Santa.
“I’m sorry; about earlier,” I told him honestly “We Slaters tend to be grumpy sometimes for no real reason and we don’t often stop to consider anyone else’s feelings.”
“It’s understandable, Kale,” he answered warmly “And I happen to know you’re not that bad in comparison to some of your other family members.”
I nodded along with that and followed Santa right up to the sleigh where the elves were trying to buckle the Reindeer into their harnesses. That wasn’t going so well. Dasher was looking shaky, in turn making Dancer nervous to fly with him and he started yelling for someone to bring him a cigarette; Prancer was having a hell of a time trying to stand between where Vixen was trying to give Donner flirtatious looks that only encouraged him to try and climb over Cupid. Comet was chewing on his harness and Blitzen seemed so full of energy that he was ready to get going ten minutes ago. Santa smiled and stepped into the sleigh, clearing his throat loud enough for the Reindeer to hear.
“Your positions, please,” he commanded and they all stepped neatly into line
Santa offered me his hand and I climbed in after him. It was cozy up front in his sleigh and I suddenly remembered my coat. I let out a squeak and an elf was suddenly pushing it into my hands. I checked the pockets and was happy to report nothing was missing. Witrick threw me a disapproving look and I shrugged innocently. When you only had five bucks to your name – you coveted it. Santa smiled at me then and grabbed the reigns.
“You might want to hold onto something,” he warned and I nodded, grabbing onto his arm “Now Dasher, Now Dancer, Now Prancer and Vixen! On Comet, On Cupid, On Donner and Blitzen!”
I yelped as the sleigh jolted and the Reindeer got up off the ground. It was the most amazing thing I had ever done – and that included the whole Box incident. Before I knew it, we were way up high and I was sure if I reached out my hand I would have been able to touch the stars. Santa smiled at me and I know I was smiling like mad.
“Wow.”
“Quite a thrill, isn’t it?” he asked smiling
“I’ll say. We shouldn’t be able to breathe up here, let along talk!”
“As Witrick would say, ‘It’s magic, Human,’” Santa said easily and I laughed
“One of these days he’s going to have to give me a real explanation,” I informed him
“And ruin how people believe just by believing?”
“I’m not just anyone,” I reminded him
“And thus you will be the last one to know the real reasons. You need to believe in something beyond your guns, Slater,” he informed me
I sat and pondered that for a while, during which time Santa and the Reindeer sang songs I had never heard of. One of them went along to the tune of Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer and it occurred to me I had never seen Rudolph before. I asked Santa and he looked a little annoyed – a first for him
“The other Reindeer thought he was a clown – a joke. He was very depressed because of it and I had to find him a new position. He runs the factory now and he’s happy.”
“I’m glad,” I told him earnestly “Everyone needs a place.”
After that Santa went back to singing and I sat tight, watching the different lights below us. Finally we started to get lower until we were on the ground. I looked around and recognized the road off the property back in Colorado. Santa reined them in and turned to me with a smile.
“Your uncle is quite paranoid.” He seemed amused by this
“Yeah, well, it’s kept him alive this long,” I pointed out “Thank you for the ride home.”
“Thank you for your help tonight. Merry Christmas, Kale.”
“Merry Christmas, Nicholas,” I replied and hopped out of the sleigh “And Merry Christmas Reindeer!”
They all returned the sentiment and bounced around excitedly. I smiled and waved as they took into the air again. That was when Santa finally did something that resembled the lore around here.
“…He sprang to his sleigh, to his team he gave a whistle and away they flew like the down of a thistle. But I heard him exclaim as he drove out of sight…”
“Ho Ho Ho! Merry Christmas!”
I laughed then and looked up and down the empty road. You know, if Kane had his way and we lived in Vegas, I’d be rich right about now. Meh, I suppose this was the better way. I had yet another secret no one would believe. Life wasn’t going to be any different than it was yesterday.
And with a shrug I jumped the fence and went back to the life I knew right now.
/-/-/-/-/-/-/
“Man, is it good to be home.” Kane stretched out his spine and smiled a little as he jumped from Dale's truck
“Help me get all this stuff into the house. I still don’t see how you talked me into buying it all,” Dale sighed
“I didn’t talk Dale Slater into buying anything. I talked Clancy Wiggum into it.”
Dale sighed, thinking again that there were a few benefits to popular culture. If Kale hadn’t been such an avid Supernatural fan he would have never thought of the fake credit card scam. Kane smirked a bit and helped his uncle with the many colorful parcels they had made the poor sales lady wrap for them. At least they tipped her well.
Blade barked when they came into the house and Dale shushed him with a hand on his head. Knowing his niece, she was still in bed at this hour. It was barely ten. Dale sighed and thought it was good to be home. The place smelled like wood smoke and that apple spice Kale thought smelled nice, thus it was all over the house in little dishes of dried flowers. And they seemed to be the only thing that Blade would not eat. So Dale permitted them. To tell the truth, he didn’t even mind them that much. The heaters were on, but the fire was out and not for the first time Dale considered getting a heating system put in the house. It would cost a lot and it would bring unwanted attention, though. So, as always, he tossed that thought aside and worked with the kindling in the fire place. By the time the gunpowder caught he was warm and shrugged out of his winter jacket.
Kane, on the other hand, seemed to be so cold he couldn’t move. Dale frowned and walked over to where his nephew was just gaping at the sight before him. That was when Dale noticed the ornate tree and the mounds of presents under it.
“Was that there when we left?” Kane asked and Dale shook his head “That’s what I thought.”
“Your sister couldn’t have done all this,” Dale commented
“No, she couldn’t,” Kane agreed, reaching for the gun he kept in his waistband
Dale sighed and drew his as well. He nodded upstairs and Kane nodded back. They would have to check the whole house now. Dale walked up the stairs on catfeet while Kane wandered down the hall and searched the main level before there wasn’t any room left but his sister’s. He opened the door and found her sleeping soundly surrounded by…
“Well, I’ll be damned.”
She stirred and blinked at her brother as he moved around the room, looking at the different flowers that had been stuffed into it. There were thousands of them. Many of them were ones he’d never seen before, but that wasn’t out of the ordinary. He didn’t know much about any form of plant. For all he knew these weren’t even in season. What was in season with this weather? It was also warm in here and that was odd. The space heaters weren't that great, so they went to bed in layers under mounds of blankets. His sister was just in PJs.
“Morning,” she greeted while she stretched and yawned
“Care to explain your new friends?” Kane asked and Kale looked around the room with confusion before she smiled
“They’re just gifts,” she informed him “I don’t know how they got here, but they are gifts nonetheless.”
“Uh huh. I suppose the tree and all those presents were gifts from this mysterious source, too.”
Kale gave him a puzzled look and motioned her out into the main room. She gaped at the tree and Kane was convinced his sister knew nothing about it. Kane spied an envelope on the mantle between two of the over flowing four stockings (Blade got one, too). He reached for it and saw his sister’s name carefully scrawled on it. He shrugged and handed it over, noticing Dale had joined them as well.
Kale took the letter and frowned at it before carefully letting her thumb slip under the flap where the letter was sealed in the old fashion of a wax seal. She removed the letter from it and let the scrawled writing unfold.
“Dear Human,
This display I was unable to prevent. The workers thought you deserved a wonderful Christmas and it was the least they could do to make it a reality. I know, you’re thinking I could not spark onto the property when we first met, but once I’m invited I can go anywhere I please and thanks to your…dog, this is now possible. I hope you are not upset with me because of it.
Merry Christmas and thank you, for everything
Head of Elf Security, Chief of the Santa Guard;
Witrick Claus
Post Scriptum; Edgar’s followers have been detained and we believe we’ve found a way to prevent this from ever happening again.
Be good. I’ll know. And pass that onto your brother.
Kale smiled as Kane took the letter from her. He read over it with his brow furrowed in confusion. He passed it onto Dale who read it with the same frown. Yeah, they were related alright.
“Kale,” Dale started
“Can I explain later? I mean, it is Christmas and look at all these wonderful presents.”
Dale sighed and nodded after a few minutes because his niece looked at him with those eyes that reminded him too much of her mother. Yeah, it was Christmas; he was allowed to be soft for once. Both twins smiled broadly at him and dug into the sea of presents. Most of them were for Kale, but that wasn’t surprising. She’d obviously done something for this Witrick fellow that equaled big rewards and Kane wasn’t too proud to get a piece of that action. At the bottom of the pile he found several gifts for himself and Dale. He pulled out a couple of identical boxes and passed the one addressed to his uncle across the sea of gifts.
“What the –?” Kane muttered and Kale leaned over to look in his box
At the bottom was sitting a nice, black lump of coal. They both frowned when Dale made the same look across from them. He showed them the lump inside his own box. Kale reached for the bit of paper her brother had neglected to read before opening his present.
“Dear Mr. Clancy and Ralph Wiggum, you should refrain from buying Christmas presents under fake credit cards from this day forth or the rest of these boxes will contain nothing but coal. The reason was noble, though, and our love for the hunter excuses you this year. You have been warned,” she read “Sincerely, Witrick. Man, he does know everything. I didn’t even know you’d picked out names for the applications yet.”
“We were watching The Simpsons and one thing led to another,” Kane offered absently “Kale, what is going on?”
“Let’s just say next year you both should stick closer to home. Seeing is believing and I really don’t feel like being called a liar on Christmas.” She shrugged and opened her own gift “Look – A snow globe.”
“Is that a Reindeer kicking a Leprechaun?” Kane asked, taking it so he could see it better
“Nah. I see a Reindeer kicking a Leprechaun’s ass,” Kale corrected “Dancer by the looks of it.”
She turned it over and under it was written in a very messy scrawl "To Human, from Dancer". She suspected there were seven more like this one hiding in this mess.
Both men threw her odd looks and Dale shook his head, patting the couch beside him for Blade to hop on. He had no idea what she was talking about, but Kane said they needed to talk more. At least now he had something to talk about. This was one Christmas to remember.
Kale smiled at Kane and then looked up at the tree. She muttered a small thank you and knew Witrick could hear her. Somehow she knew she hadn’t seen the last of the serious elf. But today was not that day and there were mounds of presents with her name on them. It was turning out to be a good holiday after all. And she could have sworn she hear someone else in the room whispering…
“Happy Christmas Human, and to all a good night!... Dasher! Put that cigar out before you burn the house down!... Comet, don’t eat that! Donner, Vixen! Bloody Hell! I’m never taking you anywhere ever again…”
The poem quoted and abused throughout the piece was “The Night Before Christmas” By Clement Clarke Moore who wrote it back in 1822. So, no, not my own invention, but it fit well, if I do say so myself.
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to all! See y’all in 2007!
See ya in the funny papers!!!
Sonah
