|A Puff of Logic
Author: DespicableDevil PM
Camereon is a normal young man working in a scientific research lab until a test run of his boss', The Professor, new invention goes horribly wrong. Inspired by various Monty Python skits, Douglas Adams novels, and various other things. Reviews are shiny!Rated: Fiction T - English - Sci-Fi/Humor - Words: 2,784 - Reviews: 3 - Favs: 2 - Follows: 2 - Published: 12-21-06 - Status: Complete - id: 2293796
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
A Puff of Logic
Cameron Darrel was just finishing cleaning his workspace when his boss stumbled into the Laboratory or STEVE as they affectionately called it. STEVE, of course, standing for Scientific Testing on Extremely Vocal Extra-Terrestrials. The Professor muttered to himself as he shuffled through papers on his desk. Cameron labeled the last test tube and shelved it, then wondered over to The Professor.
"Sir…what are you doing?"
"Well, Cameron, I'm looking for the paper we wrote on the particle displacer," was the muffled reply as The Professor bent down to start going through his desk drawers.
"Umm, sir? The particle paper is in the filing cabinet under P for particles." Cam explained, pointing to the corner where the cabinet was.
"Ah, yes. That makes sense. Thank you, Cameron." The Professor nodded and marched over to the cabinet, pulled it open and started leafing through the files. Cameron just stood at The Professor's desk blinking as folders and papers scribbled with The Profs messy handwriting. After about 5 minutes or so of silence, save for the rustle of papers or a groan of frustration by The Professor, Cameron asked
"Sir…if you don't mind me prying, why are you looking for the particle displacement report?"
"Indeed a good question" The Professor looked up from the papers in his hand, Cameron saw a hint of seriousness in his eyes before The Professor continued "You see, as I was leaving to the parking lot, a thought hit me. What if we're going about this project all wrong? Instead of sending things backwards in time, we should be sending them forwards!" The Professor concluded his speech with a dramatic flourish.
"That sounds like an interesting theory, sir but if we haven't succeeded in sending things back in time, how we send them forward?"
"Because, my boy, it's an entirely different method! The polarities are flipped, wires switched and pulses reversed! We haven't traveled backwards yet because we haven't discovered the right combination of parts, but in traveling forward we're more than halfway there!"
"Sir, how does that even begin to make sense-?" Cameron's reply was cut off but a triumphant whoop from The Professor.
"I've found it! I've found it, boy, we're going to travel forwards in time!"
Cameron paled. "Oh goody…"
"Come here, get a move boy! We have lots of work to do!" The Professor called from behind FRED. FRED being a Fast-acting Radioactive Explosion Device, obviously.
"Professor, I really don't think this is a good idea. Even if we do succeed, which I doubt we will, we risk upsetting the entire space-time continuum!" Cameron breathed out after reaching The Professor.
"Aw shush, boy. Let a professional do his job. I know this machine like the back of my hand…hmm, that's a new scratch. Oh well, that's not important. It doesn't affect the inside." The Professor ranted on "You see these two aqua wires? Fixed like that, straight across, nothing happens. When you cross them like this-" The Professor unplugged the wires and BZZZZT!
"Cripes! I guess I forgot to turn the power breakers off! Heh…" a now frizzy-haired Professor yelped. He bent down, and slid underneath FRED, flipped a switch, pressed some buttons and a green light blinked off on the control panel. "There, that should do it. Now let us try this again." The Professor returned to the opened panel on FRED's side. "Ok, when you cross the aqua wires like this…" He plugged the two wires in criss-crossed and a yellow light blinked on in the control panel. "Ha-ha! Yes! I did it!" The Professor whooped and began do to a victory dance which reminded Cameron very much of what a modern time-warp might look like.
Cam didn't want to interrupt The Professor but something was gnawing at him. "Sir…what now?"
The Professor stopped amidst a pelvic-thrust. "What do you mean what now?" the scientist demanded.
"Well, it's just…nothing has happened. All you did was cross some wires and watch a light go blink, blink." Cameron added.
"…" The Professor just stood there imitating the yellow light. Blink, blink, blink…
"Uh, sir? Are you ok?" Cameron was worried, after all The Professor wasn't as young as he used to be and had just been electrocuted for gosh sakes!
"Of course I'm ok you foolish little boy! How dare you insult me like that! …Oh, sir, nothing happened sir, all you did was cross some wires sir…you know nothing! I know what I'm doing, I've been working on this longer than you've been alive you ungrateful little brat!" The Professors face was growing purple with rage.
"I'm sorry sir, it's just...I was…you see…" Cam stuttered out, trying to apologize.
"Oh, stop you're blubbering boy." The Professor reprimanded Cameron. "And what are you talking about I haven't done anything? I've created a wormhole in the fabric of reality by flipping that mauve switch" he gestured towards the control panel, where indeed there was, a mauve switch.
"One problem, Professor." Cameron said.
"What now, boy?" The Professor huffed.
"You haven't flipped that switch yet."
"…Oh. Well, I guess I should do that now, eh?" At Cameron's nod The Professor flipped the mauve switch on the control panel. "Watch carefully now…" Cameron watched as a thin, zigzagging asparagus colored beam shot out from FRED stopping when it hit the wall. A swirling vortex started to from on the wall, looking oddly like an eggplant would if left out in the sun too long. Cam, intrigued by the hole appearing on the wall, moved closer.
"Watch it, boy. Don't get too close!" The Professor warned him. But by then it was too late. A gust of air pushed Cameron over and pitched him head-first into the vortex.
"Cameron, no!" was the last thing he heard before slipping into total darkness.
When Cameron woke up, he wasn't sure if he actually had. Pitch blackness covered his vision, so dark that he couldn't even see his own hand and inch from his face.
"…Oh, God that hurt." He moaned, rolling over onto his back.
"Sorry about that." Cam shot straight up at the sound of the deep voice.
"Who…who's there? What do you want?" Cameron spluttered out.
"You don't know who I am? You called me here!" the voice boomed. Cam was confused.
"What do you mean, I called you here?" he asked.
"You're exact words were, '…Oh God, that hurt.' I hadn't intended to harm you, so I came to apologize." The voice answered.
"You…what…you're GOD?" Cameron forced out, in shock.
"No, I'm Michael Jackson…of course, I'm God!" the voice replied angrily.
"I'm sorry, but I'm kind of in shock right now." Cam apologized, then continued, "Wait a minute, if I'm talking to God…am I dead?"
God sighed "Unfortunately, yes. You are indeed, dead." Cameron looked downcast. "Why so sad?" God continued.
"Well, I'm dead at 19 for one thing! I had my whole life ahead of me! Now I have nothing…" Cam trailed off as he sank to the floor in defeat. 'Hold on…how is there a floor?' "Um, Mister God, sir?"
"Please, no formalities, call me Bud, Bud Weiser." God replied courteously.
"As in the beer brand?" Cameron was now, officially, confused as heck.
God sighed "That's a long story. You see, the creator of that particular brand had a car accident, died, met me, then the paramedics came and got out the defibrillator. Then the jerk used my true name to market beer! Man, do I hate it when things like that happen."
"Ah, well that clears that up. But what I wanted to know is where are we? Because there seems to be a floor, but I can't see a darn thing and –" Cameron was cut off as God hurriedly apologized.
"Oh my! I'm terribly sorry for that. I have no concept of light and dark, being an omniscient deity of course." Cam thought God sounded a little smug at that last bit, but his thoughts were thrown off as a loud clapping sound echoed through…wherever they were. Suddenly lights flooded the area and after the spots faded from Cameron's eyes, it looked like he was standing on the pitchers mound of…the Yankee Stadium? And an empty Yankee Stadium at that.
"Umm, God-I mean…Bud?" Cam called out.
"Yes? What is it? Can you still not see?" Bud's voice floated up from nowhere.
"No, no. I can see fine now. But I was just wondering why we're in the Yankee Stadium?"
"You wonder a bit too much, have you noticed that?" was the reply.
"Well, no. I hadn't noticed. But, could you answer my question please?"
"I wanted to choose a location that would make you feel comfortable. I was under the impression all Americans loved the past-time know as 'Baseball'."
"Well, actually, I'm not much of a baseball fan, but the Stadium is fine. Also, I was wondering-darn it, I do wonder a lot- where are? Can I see you?" Cam wondered out loud.
"I don't have a corporeal form, but I could appear as something. Just a moment." A bright indigo light bloomed in front of Cameron, slowly taking from into…a blob of orange play-dough.
"Interesting form, Bud." Cam smirked.
"Bloody randomizer. Oh, how I hate that thing!"
"Alright, it's ok. Don't worry about it. So, what now?" Cameron stated barely hiding his laughter.
"Well, I did bring you here for a reason." The floating blob of pumpkin play-dough replied.
"And what's that?"
"I need your help. I need feedback on how the earth is doing. What's it like? I haven't been there in ages. Do people like it?"
It sounded to Cameron that God was actually nervous about the answer!" Well, be rests assured, you did a good job. The trees, oceans, mountains…they're amazing!" Cameron ranted, lost in the vision of his home world.
"Trees…mountains…? Oh no! I meant to make it entirely out of custard!"
"Wait, you wanted to make the earth completely out of custard!?" Cameron couldn't believe his ears!
"Well, yes, of course! Why not?"
"Why not!? I suppose because custard isn't something one uses to create a planet."
"Well, the moon's made of cheese, so why can't earth be made of custard?" God was indignant that Cam thought that it was a crazy idea to make the world out of custard. "I happen to enjoy custard very much. It's only fair I share that pleasure with the human race, is it not?"
"I guess that's understandable…the moon's made of cheese?!"
"Of course! What? You thought it was rock? Please, I'm not that boring."
"Of course I thought it was rock! Why would the moon be made out of cheese?!" Cam was almost in hysterics. His beloved earth was supposed to be created with custard and now the moon is cheese! What next?
"Again, why not? I happen to like cheese. And calm down, you haven't even heard what the other planets are made of."
"I don't want to know! I really don't want to know that every scientific fact about the solar system is false! Wait! If the moon is really cheese, why do all the scientist and astronauts think its rock?"
"Ah, manipulating the human mind. An easy task if I do say so myself. Your race believes the moon is made out of rock because they wanted it to be made out of rock. Their scientific research would be practically useless if the moon was truly made from cheese. Therefore to them, the moon is made of rock"
"So, your saying, that everything humans have proven scientifically true, is wrong? That they only see it that way because they need to?" Cam was in shock. This couldn't be true!
"No, no! Of course that's not true. Most of what you people have discovered is real. Just the things I got a little creative with, they ignore."
"What have you gotten creative with?" Cameron asked, scared to know.
"The moon, for one. Another was snow. It's actually vanilla flavored."
"Are you serious? Is there anything else?" Cam wondered…again.
"Yes I'm serious and there are other things but I'm afraid your head might explode if I told you."
"Glad you're looking out for me." Cameron replied sarcastically.
"I don't want the only person worth talking to in over 40 years to explode, that's all."
"Alright, I guess that makes sense. But, what are going to do about you custard world thing?" Cam conceded.
"I'm not sure. I may just destroy, and then re-create, the earth. Out of custard of course." God mused. Although, coming from a blob of squishy, orange play-dough the statement was not particularly menacing.
"Are you honestly going to do that?"
"I don't know. I might. Do you think it would work? A custard earth that is."
"Err…I don't think so. Wouldn't people just sink through the surface?" Cam pointed out.
"Oh, maybe. Depends how heavy I make them, I suppose."
"Uh…yeah. That makes sense. How light would they have to be then?"
"I'm not sure. Would you find out for me?"
"Huh? What do you mean?" Cam was worried now.
"I'll create a model of my custard earth as out you on it. Then lighten your weight until you don't sink." God replied as though it was the most common thing.
"Will it be dangerous?" Cameron was anxious to know.
"Not at all. How about a deal? You test my new earth and I'll give you another life! How about it?"
"I guess that seems fair." Cam agreed.
"All right then, give me a few minutes. I'll tell you when I'm done." And with that the blob of play-dough vanished in a poof of flax colored light. 13 minutes passed before the play-dough reformed in a swirl of malachite colored smoke.
"Alright, it's complete. Here, I'll show you what it looks like." The Yankee Stadium started to dissolve and when it was fully gone Cameron saw they were floating in outer space, right beside…a full earth made of custard.
"Oh my, you actually did it! It's amazing." Cam gushed at the planet.
"Calm down. It's only a model." God huffed, and then continued "Ok now, I'll bring you back to life and transport you onto the new world. You can name it if you like."
"Wow, thank you! I think I'll call it 'SquabashIII' if that's ok."
"If you'd like. What does Squabash mean?"
"I have no clue, but I like the sound of it. Anyways, can we get on with this? It's kind of freaky free-floating in space."
"Oh alright, you need to learn patience though. Here we go!" the blob swooped down and covered Cameron's face with it's self. Cam blacked out for a second and when he woke up he was slowly sinking into a custard-cream centre of the newly named SquabashIII.
"God! Make me lighter!" Cameron called out, but no reply came and he sunk a little farther down into the ground. "God, God where are you!?" Cam was almost in hysterica now as he sunk even farther down. Meanwhile back in space, floating in orbit around SquabashIII the blob of play-dough wondered to itself. 'I wonder if I forgot to mention I can't communicate with the living…oh, well.' And promptly vanished so as not to be late for a racket-ball game with Jesus.
Back on the surface of SquabashIII, "God!" Cam cried out another time, "I could really use your help down here!" He was now up to his neck in custard and it was turning into a very sticky situation, indeed. A few minutes passed with Cameron calling out for help, until he slipped completely below the surface of the custom-custard planet. His last though before slipping into death by dairy was 'Oh Lord, not again.'