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A/N: This is kind of a rant/stream of consciousness/journal entry/whatever. I don't even know whether I'm done with it or not... I don't even know why I'm posting it, actually...
I recognize that I have a masculine side. I even like to express it in my outward appearance, to compensate for my very feminine inside. I wear boys’ clothes, and I recently cut my hair really short. In fact, among my friends there is a running joke about which of us is the most masculine. As the only lesbian in the group, I usually win.
But on the other hand, I love being a girl. There are so many things I love about it. Admittedly, a lot of it is societal, but society is something we all have to live with. I love crying when I’m sad and crying when I’m happy, and being allowed to cry in front of people. I love tight hugs. I love talking about feelings, being sentimental. I love to talk about just about anything. I love it when I talk with my friends for hours.
So, there’s a reason I’m thinking about all this gender identity stuff. It’s because of a funny thing that happened to me yesterday.
I had band first period yesterday morning, but the band teacher wasn’t going to be there (she told us she wouldn’t be there the class before), so we were going to have a study. When I woke up that morning I figured I could sleep for an extra 10, 20 minutes and it wouldn’t really matter. I got to the bandroom, late of course, and the sub was on the little platform, giving her little spiel about what was going to happen in class. I put my head down a little and quickly walked in behind her. I went up to the third riser and stood. When the sub finished talking she looked around and asked, “Who’s the gentleman who came in late?”
My friends all cracked up, and one of them said “That was Lauren” I was really embarrassed. The sub was like, “Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t see you.” I was just like, “ouch”.
All that day, I couldn’t stop thinking about it. Partly because I told the story to a bunch of my friends (I’ll admit, it was pretty funny) and partly because I wasn’t really sure what I felt when it happened.
One part of my mind felt a little insulted. I’ll admit, she didn’t get a good look at me at all as I walked in. And I have short hair and basically dress like a guy. But, I really feel strongly that I don’t wish I was a guy. I am really happy as a girl. Sometimes, when I would get depressed about being gay and the whole 5 thing, I wished I was a guy, but those were my lowest moments. That’s why it was insulting to be mistaken for a guy. Also, I had thought that despite my style and hair I still looked like a girl.
On the other hand, even though I am happy as a girl, I like to embrace my slightly masculine side with my hair and how I dress. So I also felt a little happy that she thought I was a guy. It made me feel kind of good that my style is working. But then I feel guilty that it made me happy because I really like being a girl, and I don’t want people to think that I want to be a guy because I don’t.
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LEDlorien7