Title: No Guarantees

Characters/Pairings: Elliot/Jordan, Jordan/Dawn

Claimer: Mine. Oneshot mine.

Warnings: Angst. VERY angsty. PG13-ish.

Summary: One day he’ll wake up

And realize all he needs is me. - Peter, Are You There?, Bare: A Pop Opera

Author's Notes: Angsty. o.o Debatable which guy I feel more sorry for. . snugs both

We’ve been through this before!

One day he’ll wake up

And realize all he needs is me

Until then, god, I wish I knew

I need a guarantee-

Peter, Are You There?, Bare: A Pop Opera

“No, Elliot. For the last time, no.”

The other boy, thus addressed, didn’t show any surprise at having had his proposal rejected, he simply turned his gaze out of the window, and rested his chin on his hand again. “Didn’t mean any harm, I was just ask-“

“Asking,” his friend filled in, turning this way and that in front of the mirror. “I don’t know why you even bother anymore, you’ve heard the answer enough times to know how it’s going to go.”

Elliot managed a shrug, dropping his gaze to the sidewalk below the apartment, watching the people walk storeys below in as ordinary a way as possible. Jordan was right, it wasn’t like it was a surprise, he was used to having his offers rejected by his best friend but it didn’t mean it hurt any less each time it happened. “I know,” he murmured, and tilted his head further, pressing his hot forehead to the cool glass, trying to borrow the coolness and draw it into himself so the fresh wound of pain wouldn’t burn in his chest and eyes and throat so much. “Just thought you might have changed your mind, you know.”

“Elliot,” Jordan started, and Elliot felt his shoulders tense up in a way that meant Jordan was approaching. He hated that particular sixth sense. He longed to swap it for something more useful, something that could actually be of worth to him- like an ability to know for sure when Jordan’s mind had changed- if it ever did. That would be nice to know.

“Elliot, you’re not crying, are you?”

“Of course not,” Elliot retorted scornfully, fully ignoring the fact that he might have been if he was alone.

“Good,” Jordan mumbled, moving around to sit on the window seat in front of him.

His eyes were hatefully earnest, the blue burning into Elliot’s brain in a way that somehow made him love Jordan even as much as he hated him. He knew Jordan was sorry the feeling weren’t returned, he knew exactly how much the other boy regretted the fact that he just simply couldn’t feel that way about him, and perversely, it just made Elliot love him more.

Jordan hesitated, then tentatively reached out a hand and gripped Elliot’s shoulder, squeezing for a second before pulling his hand away entirely, cutting off all contact again. “I don’t want to hurt you- I really am sorry, you know. “

“I know,” Elliot replied before Jordan could say more and peel off the scar tissue for another old wound. He’d never thought his love was something to be sorry over, had never imagined that it would one day need to be apologized to.

That wasn’t how it was supposed to happen.

Of course, none of this was how it was supposed to happen.

He wasn’t supposed to fall head over heels into helpless hopeless devoted love with his best friend, but if- if he had to, then the best friend was supposed to feel the same way secretly, and they were meant to get together and be happy forever.

No such luck, unfortunately.

Elliot sighed.

Jordan offered him a slight grin. “Don’t sigh like that, Elliot, it makes you go all wheezy and piggy eyed.”

Elliot stared at him, and managed to crack a grin, the pain simmering down enough to be covered up by the fun of punching Jordan’s arm and retaliating for such a terrible remark.

--

He didn’t realize how much of a threat Dawn was until the girl had become a bigger one than he was capable of handling.

He should have seen the signs, he thought. He should have paid more attention to the slight reluctance in Jordan’s tones when he called to arrange to spend another night or day hanging out with his best friends. He had previously thought it had been a painful but natural reluctance to spend time with someone who was getting more and more focused on his unnatural feelings towards Jordan.

He might have understood that.

It would have hurt an awful lot, but he would have understood it, because he had been expecting it almost daily for the past three years, since the first time he had confessed his feelings to Jordan.

It would have been normal.

But now he realised that it was just Jordan’s reluctance to spend so much time with him when he had a girl he was falling in love with, and wanting to spend that time with her instead.

Hell, he might have liked Dawn if he had met her as a stranger on the street. She was sweet, and cheerful, and quiet, and just about the perfect girl for Jordan.

Except Jordan already had someone perfect for him, in the guise of his best friend-

And Elliot had even liked Dawn the few times he had met her with Jordan, had almost thought that they could be a nice group of friends, but no.

Jordan broke the news to him one nondescript day, about as plain and ordinary and blank as Elliot’s mood.

“Elliot,” he said, sounding reluctant and apologetic but so very reasonably normal, “I can’t come to your place on Friday.”

Elliot stared at him for a few seconds before grinning slightly, sure it was a joke. They had, after all, created a tradition of the meeting, that involved food and whatever they felt like doing at the time. “Don’t be silly,” he teased, and later wished that he could have hidden his reaction better. “You’re bringing the Chinese food, aren’t you? I thought this week we could-“

“No,” Jordan interrupted gently, his eyes pained and apologetic, but firm. “I can’t come.”

And somehow, after that news, Elliot hated that Jordan knew- he knew- he knew exactly what he was doing, and how it was hurting him, and he was doing it anyway-

And still, a part of him loved the other boy for his honesty, for letting him know ahead of time so that Elliot could pretend and save face and-

“Oh,” he sad blankly, not really noticing the wince that flitted across Jordan’s face. “No, I see, that’s okay, I was going to have to call off too- work, you- you know, and we’re very busy now anyway, and there’s just no- there’s no time, so you see, maybe- maybe this Friday night’s not such a good idea.”

And it hurt, more than perhaps anything he’d ever known before, the fact that Jordan just nodded quietly, agreeably and offered him a small half smile. “Yeah,” he said. “I thought so- but I’ll see you next week again- Wednesday, right?”

At least when Jordan had rejected his feelings he had felt numb for the first half an hour afterwards. At least he hadn’t been there to see the break down, even if he knew it must have happened. At least there had been some time before the reaction broke through the numb grief and into the surface.

This time, Elliot had no such assurances. A small sound escaped, and he hurriedly turned it into a cough, nodding his head before he couldn’t think of what to do next. His eyes were burning before he could even think up a more decent agreement to Jordan’s question, and Jordan saw that, and gripped his shoulder, squeezing it in a way that let Elliot know that Jordan knew exactly what he was doing-

That he had been dumped, and he hadn’t even had the pleasure of being dated beforehand to ease the pain.

--

He saw Jordan less over the next year, their Fridays cut down to less than a third of their original regularity, and Elliot knew without a doubt that not only was it real love, but also that Jordan was still his best friend.

The fact of the matter was, Jordan was his entire life, and it was all he could do to wait around the phone when he wasn’t at working, hoping on an off chance that Jordan would call and ask to spend some time with him again.

Jordan didn’t call very often, he had a steady serious girlfriend to cater to, a job with a promotion that Elliot only learned about two months after it happened when before he would have known almost as soon as it had, and Jordan was just busy.

And Elliot tried to hate him for it, tried to use the time to get over his feelings and to coax himself to find someone who actually wanted to be with him more than a girlfriend- he had to keep reminding himself that Dawn was a nice girl, and would have been right for Jordan if he hadn’t been right for Jordan first.

And it all came to nothing, all his attempts, and efforts, because when Jordan did eventually phone- and he always did, if only to return Elliot’s constant weekly ones- when he did phone, Elliot jumped at any chance offered to spend time with him again, where it would be just them again, and he could pretend that the reality of the world matched the idealistic version of it that he held in his heart.

The most shattering phone call came at work one day. The sun was bright, and the sky was blue, and it was a disgusting despicable day for any news like the kind Jordan had to share, but almost, almost, the warm tenor tones of his voice, speaking excitedly over the phone, made it worth it.

“Dawn and I are getting married in the fall! I want you to be my best man, Elliot.”

The moment froze in time, and he could pinpoint exactly when his stomach had dropped thirty floors down to splatter on the sidewalk next to his heart like a suicide. He wanted to join them. He wanted to die, he wanted to forget Jordan, he wanted to steal Jordan away. He wanted to give his heart to somebody who wanted it and would take care of it, not somebody like himself or Jordan, who would let it shatter on the hard concrete like they had been cruel enough to do.

He wanted to hang up the phone without replying, but then Jordan said “Hello? Elliot?” and he forced a smile and replied as best he could.

--

Jordan didn’t apologise for making him stand in the church with him at the alter and wait for Jordan’s bride to come down the aisle.

Jordan quite clearly couldn’t spare many thoughts for anyone not his bride, but Elliot didn’t mind that really, he told himself, watching Jordan’s bright smile and shining, happy eyes.

Why, he wondered with a kind of blank numbness that he was distantly grateful for, couldn’t he make Jordan smile like that?

Jordan had apologized a few times during the months of wedding planning, having a fair idea of what he was asking Elliot to do, and how hard it would be for him.

Jordan was always so bloody earnest and thoughtful, and honest, and Elliot sometimes wanted to loathe him for it, but it was easier to loathe Dawn for screwing up his and Jordan’s relationship, when Jordan would actually make up for his cruelties with time spent with him.

It was several minutes after Jordan started fidgeting that Elliot began to wonder where the bride was. The chapel was full, and the priest was waiting, and he just wanted to get it over with so he could claim a sudden stomach bug and skip the reception, but Jordan was shuffling his feet and glancing around nervously.

Elliot smiled and felt his heart skip a beat when Jordan gratefully returned the expression.

He was still Jordan’s best friend.

No one, not even some sweet nice girl could steal that place from him- just like he couldn’t steal her place either.

And she still hadn’t arrived ten minutes later, and the bridesmaids were exchanging worried looks. Jordan hadn’t looked away from the door once since the smile, and Elliot’s hands were getting clammy.

It was Dawn’s mother who finally rushed in from the back, walking calmly but hurriedly up the aisle to give the news, the bad news, the great news, the news that set Jordan free again.

And for a moment, he felt glad, relieved, ecstatic, almost born again.

But then he saw Jordan’s face, and he sobered up immediately, because the look on his best friend’s face was very much like the one he had seen in his own expression after being rejected years ago…

And he knew exactly how Jordan was feeling.

--

“I’m straight,” Jordan told him, but it wasn’t forceful, and Elliot thought that maybe Jordan wasn’t as straight as he thought he was, because his hands were returning the clasp of Elliot’s own hands as Elliot led him into his living room.

“I know,” he soothed, and wanted to prove to Jordan how very wrong he was, how very wrong he i had i to be- but he knew the truth.