Random acts of Stonerism

“A Christmas thingy…”
You know, something you see on
Christ-m-a-s!

“This is SBS, and since we have to be politically correct about the whole Holiday Season, Happy Hanukah, Merry Christmas, Happy Kwanzaa (what the fuck is Kwanzaa anyways?), Happy Chinese and Japanese Christmas, Happy Spanish holiday, Happy French holiday--wait, Christmas (my bad, a stoner wrote this), and for all you Muslims out there--happy… um… whatever you celebrate! Be merry! Bust out some eggnog, grab some liquor, and fire up a doobie dude, it’s the Christmas thingy!” the announcer exclaimed.

It was a nice cold Christmas Eve and Herbie was on his front porch enjoying a doobie. It was pretty much freezing out, but fuck it, he was way too stoned to even care. His life was a daze right now since he had been pretty much a busy hippie throughout the year. His girlfriend was supposed to come over, and he had never seen her in over months. While smoking, some carolers walked up to his house and began to sing.

“We wish you a merry Christmas, we wish you a merry Christmas and a happy New year!” the carolers sung.

“Wait! Man! You guys rock! Play Freebird! Play freebird!” Herbie exclaimed as he tweeked.

“Oh sorry sir, we don’t know that one.” one of the carolers said.

“What? Who the hell can sing and not know freebird? I mean, what the hell man?”

“Um sir, could you please not cuss, this is a church quire.” the woman said as she lowered the song book.

“Oh, I’m sorry man. Like I totally dig God and Christmas.”

“Don’t you think that it’s the lord’s plan for you not to smoke?” one of the kids asked.

“You know little dude, if I had a nickel for every time somebody told me that smoking is badm I’d go out and buy me an ounce.” Herbie said before cracking up. He bent his torso down and continued laughing for a while before sitting up and taking a hit. “Like man, can I carol with you guys?”

The group kinda paused and looked around before muttering out a few sentences. The evangelist stepped forwards and smiled at him.

“What the group is trying to say is that we’d love to have you come along!” the evangelist exclaimed.

“Oh far out man. That would be so swell.” Herbie said before walking towards them.

“So have you ever been caroling before?”

“Naw man. But I have been caroling… on weed!”

“Well child, may you please keep your smoke away from us, it’s dangerous.”

“Naw man, it’s good. But I’ll stay near the back.”

After handing him a book, they walked down the road and spent the night caroling. An hour later they came to one house that had a menorah in the window which made the carolers wonder.

“I think we’ll have to skip this one.” one of the carolers said.

“Nonsense, they love music. I smoke up with these people all the time. They love music!” Herbie exclaimed.

Inside, the family was lighting another candle on the menorah when they heard Jingle Bells being played really loud.

“What the fuck is THAT?” the mother asked.

“Carolers. I’ll get rid of them.” the father said.

Smoke was passing over the crowd and many started to cough. Herbie continued singing out loud before opening up into Stairway to Heaven. The father stepped outside and signaled to them.

“Excuse me, but we celebrate Hanukah, we are not of Christian faith. I mean, we admire what you’re doing, but sorry, we don’t wanna hear it.” the father said calmly.

“OH man, nonsense. Come on people! Let’s sing them the 12 days of Christmas, they’ll LOVE it!” Herbie exclaimed as he came to the front.

The crowd started to sing and the father was a little bit angry as they continued. Herbie laughed in glee before looking back and seeing that he was angry.

“Ok, change of plans.” Herbie said as he lifted his hands.

“Please leave.” the father said.

“Let’s sing Silent Night!” Herbie exclaimed.

“Silent Night, Holy Night, all is calm…” the carolers sung with a slur.

“Mother fucker…” the father said before walking inside.

Herbie conducted while the father stepped outside with a gun in his hand. Once Herbie turned to him, he fell into shock after seeing a gun being pointed to his face.

“Holy shit!” Herbie yelled before lifting his hands up. “I don’t wanna be the first hippie to die from a gun shot man, don’t shoot me!”

“Get off my damn lawn!” the father yelled.

“Just one more song man!”

“I don’t wanna hear another one of your fucking songs! Shut the fuck up and get down on your knees!”

“Oh shit man, don’t shoot me!” Herbie cried as he got down on his knees. “I got my own wife and kids man, like dozens of them!”

“Now get started.” the father said as he held the gun down to him.

Herbie looked up at his crouch at the cringed. “Bah, fuck no man!”

“No you prick, get praying!” the father yelled.

“Oh man, I don’t know how. I only know how by smoking man. And I haven’t had a god burn in twenty, maybe thirty seconds man!”

“Alright, roll a doobie.”

Herbie lifted up his book and ripped out a page while crying and rolling his joint. IN a few seconds he had a nice spliff in which he started to smoke.

“Oh dear God, if you’re listening, HELP! Please!” Herbie cried.

“Damn man, that smoke is getting to me.” the father said as he hacked.

While he waved the smoke out of his face, Herbie snatched the gun out of his hands and then stood before holding him up at point blank.

“Ok man I got ya now! Get on your knees!” Herbie exclaimed.

“Ok man, don’t shoot me!” the father cried as he got on his knees.

“Now get started.” Herbie said. The father place his hands together to pray while Herbie only laughed. “You got me all wrong buddy, I didn’t say start praying.”

“Oh shit…” the father said as he closed his eyes and opened his mouth. There was a loud zip…

“We’ll return after these important messages.” the announcer exclaimed.

“It’s Christmas time… Having bad luck with the ladies or men under the mistletoe?” the man asked with a frown.

A fat dude stood under the mistletoe when suddenly a woman walked towards him. She looked up and then placed her hand on his shoulder before the guy smiled. His teeth were funky, his breath smelt bad.

“Ew, get away from me!” the woman cried before running.

“Son of a bitch.” the fat dude said. “I tried everything, but my breath just stinks. Not even the hobo woman will kiss me, and she’ll sleep make out with anything. Even a horse!”

“I’ve seen her do it too!” the crack head in the back exclaimed.

“Fear not tubby friend, I’ve got some help. Once used to fight Ebola scares in Africa is now available in your home!” the man exclaimed before lifting up a bottle of mouthwash. “It’s Blisterine. This product is so powerful! Every year over 3 million illegal immigrants cross the border into America, but every 10 minutes over 30 MILLION germs form in your mouth! Those are bad odds!”

“Oh wow. I’m scared!” the woman cried.

“Fear not! Blisterine is a fast acting formula. It’s as effective to bacteria as napalm is to a group of small children in peasant villages!”

“Yeah, I used to have a set of pearly whites. And then I used Blisterine, now I only have seven, thanks blisterine!” a random act exclaimed as he opened his mouth, smiled, and then let the light shine off his mutilated but pearly white teeth.

“We so love Blisterine!” two kids said as they held up their thumbs and lowering them.

“Man nigga, get them hands up!” the gangsta with a gun yelled as he poked the gun at them.

“Go Blisterine!” the kids shouted in glee as tears filled their eyes.

The fat man stepped under the mistletoe before smiling and revealing his pearly whites with almost awesomely fresh breath. The woman walked up to him, gave him a big kiss before squeezing his shirt.

“Oh fuck me now you man meat!” the woman exclaimed in joy.

“Thanks Blisterine!” The fat guy exclaimed.

“See, it works! Be merry!” the announcer exclaimed.

“Warning, Blisterine may cause swelling and burns, use with caution.” a quick warning said.

“And now were back to A Christmas thingy on SBS, bringing you Stoner Bull Shit one word at a time!” the station announcer exclaimed.

Herbie sat in the van with the carolers just smoking away. His head was bobbing while the carolers just coughed at all the chronic.

“oh man, where are we going?” Herbie asked.

“Who are you?!” the evangelist screamed as he lost track of where he was.

“Damn man, we’re in a van. Like, where are we going.”

“I dunno man. I honestly don’t know…” the evangelist cried as he lifted up his hands. “Oh shit! Man, I can’t feel my hands! I can’t feel my hands!”

“Naw it’s cool man,” Herbie said as he locked hands, “I can feel your hands!”

The whole van broke out into laughter and tears while Herbie just rolled on the floor laughing. The driver looked back and coughed a few times as the whole choir group laughed.

“Hey, where are we going?” the driver asked with his red blood shot eyes.

“To hell if we don’t change our ways!” one of the carolers exclaimed.

The whole van broke out laughing while the driver lost track of the road. Soon the vehicle went over the edge of the road and slammed into a patch of snow.

“HOLY SHIT!” the driver screamed as the van rolled on through the snowy field.

The people inside the van were thrown around all over the inside while screaming in horror. Herbie dropped his joint and then screamed in horror as it rolled away. The van finally reached the edge of the patch and got back onto the road. As it rolled on, the driver quickly slammed the brakes and struck something that he couldn’t make out. Blood splattered all over the cracked windshield while the van came to a rough start.

“Oh my god, we’re alive!” The evangelist exclaimed as tears formed in his eyes.

Herbie looked around at all the carnage and blood before turning to his right and grabbing the joint on the ground. He lit it up and took a hit before smiling.

“Oh thank God.” Herbie said after sighing.

“I think we hit something.” the driver said before laughing.

“Yeah man, the fuckin’ van is trashed.”

The whole group got up and stepped out only to see Santa’s sleigh and crippled reindeer all over the road.

“Holy shit!” Herbie cried before running over to one of the reindeer. “Dasher, no! You were my favorite one of Santa’s reindeer! Why God? Why?”

“Oh man, that’s Prancer.” the evangelist said in horror.

“Oh. Which one’s Dasher?”

“That one.”

“Oh.” Herbie said before dropping the deer and getting up to cradle Dasher. “Dasher, no! You were my favorite one of Santa’s reindeer! Why God? Why? Why?”

He broke out into tears before holding the reindeer closer. The evangelist helped Herbie up and then they observed the wreckage.

“Oh god, if these are Santa’s reindeer… Then wait… oh god, he’s dead.” the woman said.

“Not Rudolph too! Damn it, I can’t stand this anymore!” Herbie cried.

“No man, Santa! I think he might be skewered from the magnitude of this wreck.” the evangelist said.

“Help me.” a voice muttered from the wreck.

The whole group ran towards the sleigh and saw Santa’s brutalized and barely living body on a skewered collection of wood chips.

“Deliver these presents…” Santa said.

“No Santa, don’t die man! There’s so much I’ve wanted to know so much from you!” Herbie cried as he held his hands

“Ask now child.”

“How do you fly around the world in one night man?”

“Magic dust…”

“Can I have your sack?”

“What?” the evangelist asked.

“Come on, this dude is as good as dead, he ain’t gonna need it where he’s going!” Herbie exclaimed.

“Oh, good point.”

“Yes child, take it. Deliver the toys.” Santa said before croaking.

Herbie lowered his head and cried before the kids looked at the list.

“He was like a father to me.” Herbie said as he broke into tears.

“You were on the bad list.” one of the kids said.

“What? Man, fuck Santa! Let’s rob his ass!”

“But that is wrong.” the evangelist said.

“Come on man, he’s not gonna need em now!”

“Good point!”

The group stripped Santa down and started pulling stuff out of the bag. After getting a good share, they had to dispose of the body. Herbie tried burying out in the snow with all the reindeer while the children and the evangelists cried.

“His body isn’t gonna fit inside this hole!” the evangelist cried as he tried to stuff Santa’s corpse into it.

“Well then you know what were gonna have to do? One of us will have to chop his body up and stuff him in.” Herbie said before looking around. “One, two, three--not it!”

“Not it!” the evangelist cried.

“Uh oh! Looks like little Timmy is gonna have to cut up Santa Clause!” Herbie exclaimed before laughing.

“I’m scared!” Little Timmy cried.

“Nonsense, it’s easy. Just take a hacksaw and then his limbs will come right off.” Herbie said.

“mom, help me!” Little Timmy cried.

“Nope, you’ve gotta do it!” the mother exclaimed.

Little Timmy started to cry before hacking of Santa’s limbs. Herbie--now stoned--just laughed his ass off while the young boy continued to chop away. Once Santa was perfectly disposed of, they went back to the van. The driver happily got into the drivers seat before looking back.

“Alright, are you all ready to go home?” the driver asked with joy.

“Damn straight!” Herbie exclaimed.

“Let’s go!” the evangelist shouted in glee as he lifted up his fist.

“Alright snowy desert, I’ll see you some other day! And now, we are out of here!” the driver exclaimed before starting the van. There was only coughing and sputtering before it went dead. “And we are off!” He tried it again and the vehicle just went dead. “Well son of a bitch!”

“Damn. I guess were stuck…” Herbie said as they sat around.

“Momma, these toys suck.” one of the kids cried after throwing down a rocking horse.

“Come on people, lets be more happy.”

“Why don’t we just fire up a doobie?” the man asked.

“Naw man, I’m feeling down. I realized my girlfriend was coming into town, we just killed Santa, and this Christmas Eve had been a disaster… not now…”

“Yeah man, I’m feeling down too…”

The whole group sat around just looking at the walls while wallowing in their own grief for killing Santa and his reindeer. Herbie looked at the floor before staring up.

“You guys wanna smoke a doobie?” Herbie asked.

“Hell yeah, light that shit up!” the man replied before clapping his hands together.

Herbie lit up a fat ass blunt before passing it around. But no matter how much weed they smoked, they couldn’t hide the fact that it was cold and that in a few hours they were gonna die from the cold. After smoke clouded out the van, Herbie suddenly had an idea.

“Holy shit… I got it!” Herbie exclaimed. “I know how we’re gonna get out of here!”

“Explain.” the driver said.

“I’ll do some of that magic dust that Santa had and then go get help! I can beat the cold and get us out of here! What other choice do we have?” Herbie asked.

“He’s right. Go ahead, just snort it man.” the evangelist said.

Herbie smiled and then busted out a mirror that was in a purse before chopping up one fat rail to blow. He nodded before looking around.

“Here goes nothing.” Herbie said. He snorted up the whole rail in one pass before lifting up his head and holding his nose. “Holy shit. Somebody give me a cigarette!”

“Are you feeling it?” the evangelist asked.

“Not yet man.”

“Well feel it man, we don’t have any other choice!”

Herbie sat around before suddenly everything slowed down. His eyes became so dilated that they gave off an alien appearance.

“Oh man!” Herbie said as he looked around. “OH man! This shit is FANTASTIC!”

Everybody was non moving, so he just got up and then took off running for the outside and back to town.

“Oh man! Oh man! This is fucking wicked!” Herbie exclaimed as he ran past his house to find help.

“Herbie!” a voice cried out.

“Huh?” Herbie stopped and saw some gothic looking girl standing in front of his house.

“Herbie, I’m back! I’m so happy you were here!” she said quickly.

“Oh man, Jennifer, you have no idea what kinds of shit I’ve been through tonight!”

“Oh baby, come inside and tell me all about it.”

“Oh, but like…”

“We can make out…”

“Far out babe!”

And Herbie the Hippie and Jennifer the Goth both went inside the house and enjoyed a nice cup of eggnog while Christmas Eve became Christmas day. He was so happy to see her, and she was so happy to be with him. Isn’t it magical how Christmas can be? So then all was well, and all was just right. Merry Christmas to all, I’m tired, Good fuckin’ night…

“Oh man, that was our Christmas special.” Darket said as he smoked a spliff with Herbie.

“Yeah, well, we were hoping to bring you all something good tonight. So here they are without further ado, Metallica.” Herbie said as he pointed towards the door.

The whole group looked over towards the decorated front door as knocking occurred. Travis stood up and smiled.

“I wonder who that could be?” he asked with a wink.

Once opening it, he was rather shocked to see MC Hammer at the door.

“Sup! I heard you all were having a party. I’ll gladly play some music for you!” MC Hammer exclaimed.

“You’re not Metallica, you suck!” Darket exclaimed.

“COme on man, I’m the main man! Dude, people pay millions for me to perform at parties.”

“I’ll give you fifty bucks!”

“What? AH hell, why not.”

“Get on in here ya’ broke motha’ fucka’!” Travis exclaimed before doing a handshake with MC.

After breaking out into song with “You Can’t Touch this,” the party was under way. Darket and Herbie sat back with Jennifer while just talking.

“So what all happened?” Darket asked.

“Uh, something with Santa I promised to take to my grave. I mean, I was out in the snow with a choir group and our car broke down.” Herbie said before stopping to think. “I can’t seem but to forget that I was supposed to do something.”

“Forget it, be merry!” Jennifer exclaimed.

“Yeah! It was nothing too big anyways.”

The whole choir group was frozen solid and then the sun began to rise. It was the 26th, and Christmas ended. Little Timmy opened his eyes and found out that he was still alive.

“Mom, dad?” Little Timmy cried.

He was all alone before stepping out into the road. After seeing the dead family behind him, he just cried before standing in the road to see the rising sun. Now he was a drifter on the road--one on his own… As the day went by, he just walked along before hearing “I Disappear” being played on a PA system in the distance. After turning around, he saw Metallica’s tour bus driving straight at him.

“Hey man! Over here!” Little Timmy exclaimed.

Kirk Hammet was at the wheel and he was slam dead wasted. They were all mad that they missed the party, but things were slow due to the increasing difficulty on the tour.

“Who’s that guy man?” Lars Ulrich asked as he saw Little Timmy hopping up and down.

“It’s Bob Rock! I hate that fucker, let’s squash him!”

“Yeah!”

Little Timmy jumped up in down before seeing the bus come straight on at him. He screamed “oh shit” and then… Well, you can guess what happened here. What a country!

Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays
Whatever, fuck it

Peace