"Doctor is in" is the second installment of SUICIDA ANTHOLOGIA.

This particular poem is about a doctor who has suffered the brunt and irony of not being able to save the life of his loved one: his dad – while being the best at what he does all along. It’s the ultimate quirk of fate. I did not hint on how much he has already suffered seeing his dad on a hospital bed because I saw no need for it and because I think it just follows.

I based this poem on one of my suicidal ideations, i.e. when I planned to retrieve a vial of succinylcholine from the OR (operating room) when I was on duty in that area.

Succinylcholine is a muscle relaxant which is usually injected into a bundle of muscles – particularly the deltoids or the shoulder muscles. An overdose of which can cause paralysis, apnea (cessation of breathing), and eventually, cardiac arrest (cessation of the pumping action of the heart). It’s pretty lethal – which was why i contemplated using it in the first place. Plus it doesn't really mangle your appearance much. You’d probably drool a bit, but that's manageable.

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DOCTOR IS IN

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the patient desaturates

and goes to code

they call him in and he does CPR

-

five compressions

one breath

three minutes in

and they give the patient

a shot –

epinephrine

-

a bead from his forehead

stings his vigilant eyes

he looks on

-

no progress

-

he opts for emergency surgery

they rush to OR

-

induction

they scrub at lightning speed

he cuts the patient

open – a blade to the skin

a chainsaw to the sternum

-

and retracts to reveal

a dying heart

in a bloody cavity

telling him to grasp it

and squeeze

in a hopeless attempt

to salvage it

-

oh but alas

the heart fails

in his gloved hands

-

he blacks out

inside

-

surreptitiously

he snatches a syringe

and a vial –

succinylcholine

and scrubs out

-

he rushes to his office

and locks up.

a corner serves

as his confessional.

he mumbles:

"I'm sorry Daddy...

I did my best."

-

with eyes flooded,

he struggles

to aspirate

all 500 milligrams...

and to bare his deltoid

-

he injects

just enough –

painful twitching sets in

abrupt paralysis

apnea and cardiac arrest

senses fail

-

and comes

sweet release...

-

the doctor is in

but is no longer here.