I knew I should have gone home this weekend, thought the freshman as she looked at her computer screen. Chat windows littered the monitor, and dishes littered her sink. The computer clock read 3:53 AM, and she was not planning on sleep any time soon. Her roommate's empty bed almost laughed at the freshman, like it was saying, "Don't you wish you could be with your boyfriend tonight?" The kettle began to chirp, and the girl made herself a cup of green tea. When she returned to her desk, a chat window was blinking.

BurningDreams xx: my javalanche is finally wearing off, I'm going to bed.

The girl sat down her tea and typed a reply.

xphoenixfictionx: k, gnight, cya tomorrow.

BurningDreams xx: sleep well and pleasant dreams.

xphoenixfictionx: same to you

BurningDreams xx signed off at 3:58 AM.

The freshman sighed and closed the chat window. She noticed that erohw2 had also signed off. Bitch can't even say she's leaving after sending my mind back to hell, the freshman thought as she closed that window as well. She was starting to relax when a new window popped up.

LemonCaesar333: You're still up?

xphoenixfictionx: yeah, can't sleep

xphoenixfictionx: how was your night?

LemonCaesar333: fine.

LemonCaesar333: why can't you sleep?

The freshman hesitated; she should tell him, but that might bring about some extra repercussions.

xphoenixfictionx: katie got me back in the senior year mindset, sarah blew me off again, and that didn't lead anywhere good.

She had offered an explanation; a little ambiguity should be understandable, right?

LemonCaesar333: what happened last year?

xphoenixfictionx: the whole section leader thing with marching band, that complete failure

LemonCaesar333: do you want to talk about it?

LemonCaesar333: actually, better yet, call my cell.

The freshman sighed again. She didn't want to not tell him, but she didn't want to get into everything now.

xphoenixfictionx: it's 4 in the morning, don't you want to get to bed?

The reply did not come immediately, and the girl knew she was in for it.

LemonCaesar333: fine, bottle your frustrations and kill yourself a 30, no skin off my nose.

The girl knew she had touched a nerve, but he added,

LemonCaesar333: I'll be rich :-p,

complete with an emoticon to cancel out all hurt feelings.

xphoenixfictionx: I'm not bottling at this point.

LemonCaesar333: you still don't feel comfortable talking about your problems with me.

LemonCaesar333: maybe not for nothing, I can be insensitive.

xphoenixfictionx: I don't want to sound like I'm whining and complaining to you.

She knew her excuse was lamer than a three-legged dog.

LemonCaesar333: it's not whining if you've got good reason.

LemonCaesar333: I'm willing to listen.

xphoenixfictionx: I did some things I'm not proud of…

LemonCaesar333: I'm willing to listen.

xphoenixfictionx: I'm divided. I'm tired, but I don't want you to feel shut out.

LemonCaesar333: my offer stands :-p

xphoenixfictionx: ach, I opened the can of worms, I'll just go with it.

She then reached for her cell phone. "Hey," said the voice on the other end.

"Hi," she said.

"What's on your mind?" he asked.

"I, I don't know where to start," she began. "It must have been Sarah. Apparently I can't hang out with her when she's with her friends from Japanese class. Then the crap comes with Stacey, since our friendship is basically falling apart. Every time she says something demeaning to me, I start to wonder if our friendship is dying or if I'm just seeing it for what it has been all these years."

"There's not much I can say to that, I haven't had that problem," he replied.

"I know," she said. "That's not the bulk of it. I was talking to Katie, since she and Stacey used to be so close, and as usual Marching Band came up, how I could never get Stacey to cooperate, all the insubordination-"

"I don't know why anyone would want to be a Section Leader," he interrupted. "Plus, you don't really strike me as a leader type."

"I'm not," she agreed. "I knew it was me or Stacey, and I thought she'd just goof off. But see, that tangent led back to the week of hell before State Finals."

"Tell me about it,"

"It was the week we had usual Tuesday/Thursday 3 hour practice, and an extra rehearsal Wednesday. Tuesday, the section wasn't listening to me, didn't know their music, and Andie started complaining about her dumb OCD section leader when I was only two and a half feet away from her in a set. Wednesday was basically the same, except the instructors gave us more hell. Both of those nights, my parents yelled at me for being so negative when I got home.

"Thursday started out great. Everyone was motivated in sectionals, and we were actually fixing Marching issues when our section instructor showed up. He made us stop what we were doing and run something else. That's when Lottie said, in his clear hearing range, 'We were having a productive sectional until he shoed up.' Dan jumped into his truck, drove to the band room, and quit. I yelled at Lottie for saying that so loudly, but I half-agreed with her, and she didn't care.

"After rehearsal, which went abysmally thanks to destroyed morale, Hartin called me and Stacey into the band office. He had it out on us, yelled at us for screwing up the section, and basically said if the band didn't make finals, it was completely our fault."

"You shouldn't let that stuff bother you," the boy shot it. "So many people take it so seriously."

"I had to, my section didn't respect me as a person," she defended. "Plus, I couldn't vent at home without my parents freaking on me, too."

"Still, that was a while ago," he said.

"Well, there's more," said the girl. She hesitated, but it was too late to stop now. "Thursday was the last straw. I threw my head back and screamed when I was stopped at a light on the drive home. My parents asked how band went, and I told them, and they blew it off and told me not to be negative. That frustrated me even more, and I accidentally slammed the door harder than I'd intended, and it got stuck in the frame; we had to push it open from inside the garage. They yelled more, and I stormed upstairs. I was so mad I was seeing red. I went back downstairs and asked my parents what a good stress reliever would be, and they said walk around the block. I pointed out that it was 11 at night and I didn't have time, and they yelled at me for being negative again. I couldn’t take it anymore. In the shower that night, I started cutting myself again." There, I said it, it's out there, she thought as she winced.

"I kind of figured something like that happened," said the voice on the other end.

"You did?" asked the girl.

"You always get a funny look whenever anyone jokes about death-slays, and one time you pointed out that the ones who don't do it for attention make sure no one sees," he explained.

"Well, death slays are attention whores," the girl said with a laugh. "'Don't look at me. I'm already dead!' Most real cutters don't let anyone know if they can help it."

"Real cutters?"

"Someone who does it because of pain," said the girl, and her serious manner returned. "My section didn't respect me, Hartin was pissed at me, my parents wouldn't let me vent, and I just felt like a complete failure." Her eyes began to water.

"You shouldn't be afraid to talk about it," said the voice on the other end. "You shouldn't burry it."

"I know you and Matt and everyone think it's silly," she said. "I was afraid you'd think less of me."

"I just- eugh, I don't think I could do that to myself, to actually hurt myself like that," he replied.

"It's actually an endorphin rush," said the girl, "with the adrenalin and everything, you don't feel it the way you'd think…"

"You don't still do it, do you?" he asked.

"No, I know I need to deal with my problems, not let them control me," she said.

"Then you really shouldn't be afraid to talk about it," said the boy. "I wouldn't break up with you just because you have problems. Hell, I dated Laurie."

"Yeah, I must seem pretty tame compared to her issues. I told you she's pregnant, right?"

"Yes, yes you did," he groaned. "Anyways, are you feeling better now?"

"Much," said the girl. "Thanks for coaxing it out of me, and for understanding."

"Yep, you're welcome," he said.

"I am now completely exhausted, and it's nearing 5 am, so I think it's time for bed."

"Ok," the boy agreed. "I'm definitely sleeping till noon."

"Me, too," said the girl.

"Well, goodnight, love you, sweet dreams," he said.

"Love you too, g'night, talk to you tomorrow," she said, and she closed her cell phone. She climbed into her bed with a smile on her face, and she was asleep before her head hit the pillow.