Nine Simple Steps to Dining Out

Do not…

1) under any circumstances, move from the table you have been seated at without first alerting your hostess.

2) attempt to engage any member of staff in unnecessary chitchat when A) he / she is carrying a tray, B) when it is prime dining hour and he / she is obviously in a hurry / harassed, and C) he / she obviously does not want to make small talk.

3) be a cheapskate.

4) try to cheat the restaurant by pretending you’re missing something in your take-out.

5) ask random servers for ANYTHING (ex.: lemons, condiments, etc.). You will either A) not get it and waste your breath, or B) harass an innocent bypassing waiter.

6) grill your waiter extensively about the dishes past basic ingredients. He/she is NOT the chef.

7) be picky and make excessive special requests for your food unless you’re highly allergic. In which case you shouldn’t be dining out.

8) complain about your food AFTER you’ve already finished it.

9) blame the server for the quality of the food; contrary to popular belief, he/she has no part in actually cooking it.

10) JIP YOUR WAITER. EVER.