Say “Not me!” to Celery!

As many of you are well-aware, recently there was an outbreak of E. coli, a potentially lethal bacterium caused by contamination, in none other than packaged spinach. Along with 1 death and 113 cases of contamination in people, the FDA has encouraged all consumers to avoid fresh spinach. While federal health officials told Californian farmers (California is the source of the outbreak) to improve their produce conditions over a year ago, I, as a matter of fact, could have predicted this crisis over a decade ago. I have known veggies were the root of all evil from the first time I was forced to eat my carrots. I propose that not only spinach, but all vegetables be banned as a result of this outbreak.

Ever since I was a child, I knew that if I ate vegetables, it would kill me, so I took every mean possible to fend for my life; hiding them in the dog’s dish (but even my dog wouldn’t eat them), burying them under my mashed potatoes, knocking them off the plate, or stuffing my face with them and immediately running to the bathroom to “brush my teeth”. Due to my skill and vivid imagination, I am still alive today and veggie-free. To this day when my doctor asks me if I eat my vegetables, I answer with an affirmative, “Absolutely not.”

While “veggie experts” (Oh, what a life) claim that vegetables are a great source of fiber, vitamins, minerals, and are even a great diet food (They even promote anorexia… yet another dark side to these seemingly innocent plants.) But what is most laughable is that the veggie-nerds claim that people who eat vegetables have a lower chance of catching illness. Funny that many vegetable-consumers have now been plagued with E. coli, while my fellow veggie-haters and I are free from disease. Had I been a spinach fanatic, I might not be here to tell this story, and warn you all of the evils of vegetables.

I don’t believe there is any need for vegetables. You can get your daily nutrition from fruit, vitamins, Fiber 1, etc, without suffering from the dull taste of veggies. Even if you do like the taste, is it worth risking your life for celery sticks?

I have devised a three-step plan, which the government should consider enacting into legislation. I am sure the White House will stand behind me, as they have not been noted for their love of vegetables (Ex-President George H. Bush was quoted saying, “I do not like broccoli. And I haven't liked it since I was a little kid and my mother made me eat it. And I'm President of the United States and I'm not going to eat any more broccoli.”) The first step will be to stop educating the public about the “upsides” of vegetables, in school and at Wegmans (“Strive for Five”? No thanks). Vegetables cause nothing but harm! The second will be for the sale or growth (don’t waste garden space on this junk) of vegetables to become illegal, with the same restrictions and penalties as drug trafficking. And lastly, it will be banned in all restaurants and food establishments, especially on pizza (And while I’m at it, I’m banning pineapple and anchovies from pizza because that is just grotesque.) With this flawless plan, our country will be on the road to recovery from spinach, and the monstrosities that are vegetables.

Vegetables need to be no more to our society than a bunch of weeds on a farm. They are distasteful, dirty, and deadly. Consider this spinach epidemic a warning sign. Soon all vegetables will be proven fatal, and you can thank me for warning you in advance. So next time someone offers you a carrot stick, think of the life you have ahead of you. Don’t take any chances, reach for the Oreos.