Screaming Into Thin Air

Chapter One

I woke up on a park bench, only a few blocks from the house. I hadn’t made it very far, but I hadn’t gone back. I couldn’t feel my hands or my feet, which I realized when I went to stand up and fell right onto the ground. I got up again quickly but noticed that my hands were now bleeding and I could already see my breath when I let out a sigh. I didn’t know what time it was but it was already cold enough that I wanted to be inside. I sat on the bench again and took off my shoes, but after a few minutes of attempting to warm my feet with my hands, I knew it was hopeless and just began to walk. It was awkward but I knew it wasn’t far to a 24-hour coffee shop. The people who worked there knew me, and Taylor and The Secret Goldfish. I hated being referred to as Taylor Haywood’s girlfriend all the time. They probably didn’t even know that my name was Virginia Collins. Gin. They definitely didn’t know that I had known Taylor since I was twelve and he was fourteen, and now, eight years later, we were still together constantly. Except now we were apart. I could hardly believe it as I sat there in the corner of the coffee shop, without him. I hadn’t gone back. I had stood my ground. It was going to be different now. Maybe he would start treating me better. Maybe he would appreciate me again. Just maybe.

One of the waitresses, Sarah, smiled at me when she saw me, but looked immediately confused. I knew she was wondering where Taylor was. But she didn’t know I was wondering the same thing. I was thinking about him, of course. Wondering if he had slept at all, if he was still asleep. Maybe he was already up and the band was practicing by now. It was just after eleven a.m. But even though I was curious about his whereabouts and what he would be doing that day, I knew I couldn’t go back to the house. Not just yet. I would just be giving in to him again if I did. After my cup of black coffee and eating the double chocolate donut far too fast, I thanked Sarah and other employees and left, thinking they would question me if I stayed too long.

But I didn’t know where to go or what to do. I was pretty much lost without Taylor, mainly because I was so used to having him around and doing whatever he was doing. I wasn’t used to having to do things for myself, or really think for myself, I guess. And as I began walking again, I found myself going in the direction of Luke and Andre’s house. More than once, I stopped and considered turning around, going another way, going somewhere else. But each time I just kept on going. Soon I was standing outside the front yard, staring aimlessly. I didn’t want to hear him tell me ‘I told you so’. I didn’t want to fight with him. I just wanted everything to be okay. I wanted him to tell me he loved me again, like he used to. I wanted him to apologize for being an asshole to me for so long, and tell me that he was going to change. Maybe I was asking too much.

The front door of the house opened suddenly, startling me. I saw Luke and two other guys I didn’t recognize, come out of the house. No one saw me at first, and I didn’t say anything. When Luke finally looked over, his eyes widened and he waved.

“Where’ve you been?” he asked me in his deep, masculine voice. Luke was twenty-four, two years older than Taylor and four years older than me.

“Around,” I answered, not looking right at him.

“Taylor’s in the bedroom, in the basement. He’s got the door locked and didn’t answer when we knocked, about an hour ago,” Luke went on, as I took a few steps closer to him. “I think he’s upset that you didn’t come back last night. He drank a lot more after you left and then went down to the basement and crashed.”

I rolled my eyes. That sure sounded like Taylor. “I’m sure he’s fine,” I told Luke, already annoyed.

“Yeah. Well I’m just saying, you should check on him. We’re going to the studio. Will you tell Taylor to get there, whenever he’s up and around?” Luke asked me, and I nodded right away.

“Yeah, sure.”

“Thanks. We’ll see you later?”

“Yeah. Later.”

I stayed outside until the car filled with Luke, Andre and three other people backed out of the driveway and drove off down the street. Then I went up the porch steps and into the house. My feet were cold, as were my hands and face, but the warmth of the house felt strange, uninviting even. I locked the door behind me and went down to the basement right away. I missed him, even though I was angry with him and it hadn’t even been very long.

“Taylor,” I said loudly, from outside the bedroom door, “open the door.”

I knew there was no way he was still asleep. It was after noon already and Taylor never slept in that late, even if he had only gone to sleep at five a.m. He hated sleeping in, and never did it. He always said it was a waste of the day.

“Taylor, come on,” I said again, a little bit louder, “I know you’re mad at me. I’m sorry, okay? I should have come back. Let me in.”

And then I remembered that there was an extra key for the bedroom hidden under the sofa bed in the basement. Smiling, I went over and reached under the sofa, and pulled out the tiny key. After unlocking the door, I turned the handle slowly and pushed the door open, just a crack. He was lying on the queen size bed. I opened the door more and stepped into the room. I noticed then that smelled strange. Taylor’s body was lifeless and I assumed he was still fast asleep, but was quite shocked by this.

“Taylor,” I said in a quiet voice, and placed my hand on his arm.

It wasn’t until that moment that I realized something was wrong. His arm was very cold when I touched it. He didn’t move, or even stir in his sleep. I started to panic and when I touched the inside of his wrist, which was my first instinct, I realized he had no pulse. He wasn’t breathing. His heart wasn’t beating.

“Oh my God, oh… my… God,” I yelled out loud, even though I knew no one would hear me.

And then I saw the open bottle of pills lying next to his body, on the edge of the bed. I grabbed it, without thinking, and found it empty. I read the label but didn’t understand what it said, and saw that it was prescribed to Andre. It ordered him to take one pill, every four hours, and not to exceed this limit. But the bottle was empty now. And Taylor had taken them all. I shoved the bottle into my pocket of my sweater, without even realizing it.

I left the bedroom then, and found the cordless telephone in the main room, lying on the sofa. I dialed 911 and let it ring in my ear, but when the woman answered, asking me what the emergency was, I couldn’t find my voice.

“Hello? Is anyone there? What is your emergency?” the voice asked for the third time.

Finally, I cleared my throat and opened my mouth to speak. “My… my boyfriend…” I couldn’t even finished the sentence, as tears started pouring from my eyes and ran down my face before I even knew what was happening.

“Miss? What happened? Are you okay?” the woman in the telephone asked me quickly.

After a minute or two, I was able to speak again. “I just found… my boyfriend… he’s not breathing.”

“Are you sure, Miss? Did something happen to him?”

“He’s not breathing!” I yelled angrily, “I just got here… and found him… and he’s cold and he’s not breathing.”

“Okay, what’s the address? An ambulance is on the way,” the woman told me.

I can barely remember telling her the address and then hanging up the phone. I fell onto the floor, crying hysterically, screaming Taylor’s name. I asked him why. And how could he do this? But he just layed there in the bedroom, only twenty or so feet away from me, cold, lifeless, dead.

The ambulance came. The paramedics broke into the back door, because I had locked it, and came intruding downstairs. I was still in a mess on the floor beside the sofa. I didn’t want them there. I didn’t want them to take my best friend away. I screamed at them to leave him alone, and let him be. I told them that he would be fine, as long as they left him alone. But they told me that Taylor wasn’t breathing – as if I didn’t know that already – and that he hadn’t been breathing for at least eight hours. They tried to resuscitate him, but it didn’t seem like they tried very hard to me. Then they told me that it had been too long, and that there was nothing they could do. I broke down again, screaming and throwing things and telling the paramedics that they were wrong, and that they just didn’t care about Taylor like I did. Then I went into the bedroom again and sat down next to him on the bed.

“Taylor, I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry… that I left last night. I should have stayed here with you. I love you so much, Taylor,” I told him, but he just layed there, his eyes closed and his hair falling in his eyes.

I leaned down and kissed his cheek. It was cold against my lips but I didn’t care, so I kissed him again. I didn’t know what I was doing or what was even happening. I couldn’t even think about it, I just wanted to sit there with him. It felt like a few minutes later when the paramedics told me that they had to take Taylor to the hospital. It reality, it had been almost half an hour.

“Why do you want to take him away?” I asked them, still crying, and still holding onto Taylor’s hand.

“If you weren’t here last night and don’t know anything that happened, we have to find out the cause of his death. They’ll do an autopsy and –“

“I don’t want them to cut him up. He wouldn’t want that. Why can’t you just leave him alone?” I yelled, not looking at any of them.

“Miss, it’s important that we find out the cause of his death, for his family. Do you have contact information for his parents or –“

“Taylor doesn’t have a family. He only has me. And his band.”

“His band?” one of the men asked me, looking confused.

By this time, two other men were lifting Taylor’s body off the bed and onto a straight, white stretcher. I watched, not wanting to see but unable to look away. Taylor looked so peaceful. I had never seen him look the way he looked at that moment.

“Miss, what do you mean, his band?”

“His bandmates. Taylor’s in a band. The Secret Goldfish,” I answered, without much hesitation.

“So you don’t know his parents’ phone number or home address?” the same man asked me, obviously not caring at all about the band.

“Taylor doesn’t have parents. I told you. He doesn’t have a family,” I replied, more calmly now.

I could tell then that none of the paramedics knew what to say to me. This wasn’t something that happened often, I presumed. Or maybe it just surprised them a little. I watched them take Taylor and the stretcher out of the bedroom, through the main room and up the stairs. I just remained there, on the bed, tears still streaming down my cheeks. I sobbed quietly for a few minutes, as two of the four paramedics remained in the room with me, as well.

“What is your name, Miss?” one of them finally found it appropriate to speak to me.

“Gin,” I said quietly, and then corrected myself, “Virginia Collins.”

I noticed the younger of the two men was writing something down on a notepad in his hand. I wanted to tell him to stop, that he didn’t need that information in writing. But I didn’t have the strength to even put together a sentence with those words.

“And Taylor, what’s his last name?”

“Haywood,” I told them, my voice even quieter.

“And there’s no one we can contact to tell about what has happened?”

I didn’t understand. I had already told them. It was just Taylor and me. “I’m the only family he’s had in eight years,” I said, and as I heard myself say the words, it really hit me. The fact that I really was the only family that Taylor had had in all those years. It had been just the two of us for so long, up until that past year.

“Alright. Do you want to come in the ambulance with us?”

I repeated the question over a few times in my head, before coming to the conclusion that I had to stay there, at the house. The guys would call soon enough, to find out where Taylor was and why he wasn’t at the studio yet. I had to be there when they called.

“I have to tell the guys,” I managed to say. “Taylor’s bandmates. They’ll call… or come back… and I have to tell them.”

The paramedics didn’t ask any more questions. They took down the phone number at the house so they could contact me. And then they left. With Taylor. And I knew I was never going to see him again.